I am a pretty opinionated adult. Although, I am also very polite, and try not to insult other people’s opinions even if they
are totally wrong differ from my own.
But I have an excuse for my many (though adorable) opinions.
I was born that way.
From the time I was in my crib wondering why my great aunt wasn’t more careful with her mascara, I just KNEW what worked and what fell short.
What I liked and what I didn’t.
Television helped. My parents got their first TV right when I was born. We (the Sylvania and I) were equally important to the family. Although being the third girl in a row, I will grudgingly admit that the television might have been saved just a little ahead of me had we ever had the need for an emergency evacuation.
Television is an amazing tool for creating and steering your values.
I knew by the age of six that:
– Colgate was better than Crest.
– Maxwell House was better than Chase & Sanborn.
– Lucky Strikes were better than Winstons.
– Tide was better than All.
– And Alka-Seltzer was better than eating right.
Being able to form these assisted judgments is the first step in being able to make important evaluations on your own.
Although I didn’t need a whole lot of help.
I just knew: (in order of appearance)
– Johnny Weissmuller was the real Tarzan. All others were fake.
– If your anklets were lacy you were rich.
– Trying to build anything with Lincoln Logs was just asking for disappointment.
– An episode of Spin and Marty was way better than a Mickey Mouse cartoon. Except it would have been even with girls.
– Shirley Temple was a much better dancer than singer, but nobody seemed to mind. Which meant that just one talent was enough to get you through life. (If you were pretty.)
– Hot dogs tasted better than hamburgers; chicken tasted better than pork chops. But nothing tasted better than spaghetti and meatballs.
– Christmas was better than your birthday, even though you got all the presents on your birthday. Which meant that everyone getting a little something was a good idea.
– Scraping your knee really hurt, but falling on your ass wasn’t really bad, so when roller-skating, always try to fall backwards.
– Eyeglasses were so cool, it was worth purposely flunking your eye exam, even if it never really worked. (Until that is, I actually needed glasses. Then they were dumb. Contact lenses were very cool.)
– Plaid was for boys.
– Parades were boring, but you didn’t want to miss one either.
– Bobby Rydell was cuter than Frankie Avalon. Fabian was cuter than Paul Anka.
– Donuts were better than cake.
– Patent leather shoes were wonderful, even if they were so stiff they gave you blisters on the back of your ankles.
– Speaking of shoes, doll shoes were a complete waste of money, since no doll would wear them for more than six minutes before one shoe went missing. (Glue did not help.)
– And speaking of money, dimes were the prettiest money. But whoever thought they should be smaller than nickels and pennies was not thinking very clearly.
And finally – and most important:
– My father was the best looking man in the whole world. And he was funny and smart. And my mother was the most gorgeous and stylish person that ever existed. And she was funny and smart. They were better than movie stars. And I wanted to be just like them.