notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Oh, Now I Understand

This morning at breakfast, I had some very nice toast and butter. My husband and I are careful with the carbs and the calories, so really good bread is a treat. We are also careful with the evening snacking, so I was really hungry.

But there was a pair of sad, pleading eyes staring up at me. A bottom lip thrust a little bit out.

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And as hungry as I was, I gave that last bit of toast, so nicely buttered, to Theo.

Which of course made me think of:

My Mother.

Oh, she doesn’t have those mournful eyes or that trembling lip.

No.

I’m thinking of her because now…

Now I understand.

I never had children of my own. Motherhood was a concept always just out of my reach, always just a bit out of focus.

But now I have a dog.

And now I am just a little bit closer to understanding motherhood. To understand my mother.

And I have something to say.

To Mom, who turns 94 this week, I’d like to say more than ‘Happy Birthday!’

I’d like to say:

“I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for all the times you gave me the last cookie, the last M&M, the last piece of pie, when you really wanted it for yourself.

I’m sorry for all the times I acted like a brat to get your attention when you were with friends or talking on the telephone.

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I’m sorry for all the times I was sick and I didn’t even try to make it to the bathroom, but threw up just wherever I happened to be.

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I’m sorry for all the times that you were sick, but got up and got me fed and clean and dressed anyway.

 

I’m sorry for all the times you got me all bundled up in sweaters and snowpants and boots and scarves and mittens and hats and parkas – and then I stayed out for four minutes and wanted to come back in.

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I’m sorry for all the times you told me that something was a really bad idea, and I did it anyway, and then I found out it was a really bad idea.

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I’m sorry for all the times you were tired from your job and from making supper and from cleaning up from supper, and all you wanted to do was sit down and watch Andy Griffith, and I said: “Play with me!”

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I’m sorry for all the things I broke because I wasn’t supposed to throw that thing in the house or run in my slippery socks or jump on the sofa.

I’m sorry for all the times I “helped” when I was much more of a nuisance than an actual help.

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I’m sorry for all the noisy toys you ever bought me.

I’m sorry for all the times I whined and pleaded for new clothes that I just “had to have’ and then didn’t really like them that much after all.

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I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t come when you called me. I’m sorry for all the times you wondered where I was and for all the times you had to picture me lying in a ditch.

I’m sorry for all the times you had to step in and settle the petty squabbles I had with my siblings, when it would have been so much easier to let us kill each other.

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I’m sorry for all the times I made a mess right after you cleaned the house.

 

Oh yes. Now I understand.

And I understand how a mother forgives even before you say:

“I’m Sorry.”

 

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Thanks for forgiving me for all that and more!

mom & me - through the years

 

Unfair! (with an update)

I wrote this blog exactly 2 years ago. 

It’s a trivial subject – but then again – maybe not so trivial.

So I have added an update at the end with some recent photos.

This is BEAUTY!

UNFAIR

 

Last week was Goldie Hawn’s 70th birthday.

I’m about a medium when it comes to celebrity infatuation. I’m not overly obsessed with the famous, but I am not above enjoying People magazine in the doctor’s office.

I like Goldie Hawn. She always had a unique look, and seemed to accept herself just as is. She appears to be at ease, embracing even, the character she created – the ditzy blonde who’s intelligent and shrewd underneath the giggles. And she even produced a couple of movies – like “Private Benjamin” – that exploited (in the best sense of the word) her rather adorable persona.

And on top of that, she has lived her life on her own terms.

So I like her.

And I became mildly incensed – is that possible? – mildly AND incensed? – it seems like a contradiction, but that description feels right – when I saw TWO internet articles recently about

“Stars Who Have Let Themselves Go”

And there she is:  Goldie.

In the most unfair way possible.

First, these articles show a photo of Goldie in her most youthful loveliness

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And then they jump to this:

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This pisses me off.

The first photo is a glamour shot – taken by a professional, with hair and makeup and lighting just perfect.

And the second is probably the result of some paparazzi with a telephoto lens shot while Goldie was taking out the garbage or something.

And that’s called “Letting Yourself Go.”

Why wouldn’t they compare the first photo to a comparable contemporary pic? Nicely dressed, hair and makeup done?

Like this one:goldie now

 

Or perhaps, let’s do the opposite.

If you are going to show a bad “Old Goldie” – why not compare to a bad “Young Goldie”?

Like this:

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Or – even better, why not show “Bad Young Goldie” side by side with “Nice Old Goldie”?

Like this:

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And then you could say:

“Stars Who Just Keep Getting Better”

For God’s sake, Goldie is SEVENTY years old!  She isn’t letting herself go. She is letting herself AGE. And pretty well, I might add.

And some nasty folks might be thinking, “She’s probably had some work done.”  Well, sure. She works in HOLLYWOOD. Where you are not allowed to age, remember?

And while I’m at it, let’s defend Barbra Streisand too, who always makes these “shocking photos” lists.

Instead of showing her horrible aging process:

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Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to show her fabulous aging process?

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Holy Crap!  She’s gorgeous!

Right now!  Gorgeous!

And SEVENTY-THREE!

In the U.S. there are 43 million people over the age of 65.

And in a few months, I will be one of them.

And we are getting more beautiful every year.

 

*****

 

So here is my update:

Here’s what we old women look like in 2017:

 

Goldie – Now 72:

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Barbra – now 75:

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And me – closing in on 67:

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Us three girls!

Old?    Maybe.

Beautiful?   Absolutely!

Will I Ever Listen?

Will I ever listen –

To myself?

I give lots and lots of advice. I am always writing about stuff that you should do or not do. Stuff to make you feel better or at least not feel so bad. Stuff to help you through difficult times or to enjoy sweet times.

I’m very good at doling out the advice.

And lots of people seem to appreciate it.

Apparently, I am not one of those people.

This year, I disregarded two of my most valuable pieces of advice.

#1:  Do not be ashamed of what you like.

I wrote about hearing a woman tease her friend about the romance novel her friend was reading. And the romance-novel friend kind of laughed and agreed that the book was a little trashy. I felt bad. Because I wanted the romance-novel friend to say,  “I LOVE THIS BOOK!” Because she did. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

But I have been a little ashamed this year of what I like.

I like makeup.

In fact, I love makeup.

I love wearing it, I love buying it, I love how it looks on my shelf. I love reading about it in blogs and in Youtube videos.

And writing about it in blogs looked like fun. And I saw a tiny niche that I could fill – makeup and skincare advice for us stylish, but older, women.

And it would give me an excuse to spend as much money as I already spend.

So I started a blog … 8 months ago … “Age Before Beauty.”

But I didn’t promote it. I hardly mentioned it. I added a link at the top of this blog, but that’s all.

Because I didn’t think it “fit” with how deep and thoughtful I am.

I am deep.

I am thoughtful.

And I love me my makeup.

So there.

But here’s the thing.

I violated another one of my ‘rules’:

#2: Don’t do stuff you don’t like.

Oh, we all have to do shit we hate – pay taxes, go to work with a headcold, not hit people who don’t share our opinions.

But, we also do stuff we dislike that we should just STOP.  Stop reading a book you’re not enjoying, stop going to parties you don’t want to attend.

But did I listen to me?

No.

Because after eight months of blogging about makeup, I have to admit:

I don’t really like it.

I don’t like taking photos of little tubes and silly swatches on the back of my hand.

And even though I like to tell people what products I really love, I really dislike advising anyone else to use the same thing. For one thing, it might not work for someone else. For another thing, next week I might decide I don’t like it after all. In fact, probably tomorrow I’ll decide I don’t like it after all. I have a new favorite several times a month. And one thing I KNOW I dislike is saying, “Sorry, I made a mistake.”

I am going to stop what I don’t enjoy. I don’t know yet whether I will actually delete that blog. Maybe occasionally I will feel like writing about some cool makeup product. But I doubt it.

 

So here’s my final makeup advice:

Use what works for you. Use a lot. Use a little. Use nothing at all.

It’s all good.

Women are beautiful.

Any way at all.

Enjoy your beauty. Enjoy your own self.

all look alike

 

 

Can’t Hardly Wait

In April of 1966, I was fifteen and a freshman in high school.

There was some kind of evening event – a Spring Concert I think, although I now cannot remember. But back then, it was oh-so-important.

And for some reason (or perhaps no reason at all) I wanted a trenchcoat to wear to this event. Now April and raincoats go together. But I had a raincoat. I wanted a trenchcoat. One of those secret agent man type of coats. Beige, double-breasted, belted.

I wanted a trenchcoat like I had never wanted anything more in my life. (Except for a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend more.)

The day of the event, I was still pleading with my Mom to let me get a coat. My navy blue raincoat would not do. My yellow slicker would not do. I needed a beige trenchcoat.

And she finally gave in.

We went to Robert Hall, a clothes store that mainly catered to men, but had a decent women’s department. Well, decent if you were desperate and your mother wouldn’t take you anywhere else.

And I found a trenchcoat. And I bought it.

And it was not what I wanted. It had big cheap plastic buttons, and a too-wide belt, and a huge oversized collar that would not lay flat. And it wasn’t even the right color beige. It was sort of off-white. Off-white is not beige.

But I bought it.

Because I had to have a trenchcoat and I had to have it immediately.

I saw later – much later – maybe 20 years or so later – how foolish it was. To settle for something that was shoddy because I couldn’t wait.

Let me be honest.

It did not take me 20 years to see my mistake.

It took 51.

Because I just did it again.

And with something way more important than a trenchcoat.

My novel.

Over the last year, I wrote LUCINDA’S SOLUTION, a novel set in the early 20th century about the changing mores and the changing role of women in society.

And I knew that it was good. It was really good.

And I couldn’t wait to get it out there. See my book in my hand. Give it to everyone. Have it read. That’s why writers write. For readers to read.

I sent it off to my formatter, and she turned it around very quickly. And I proofed it very quickly, and published it. Very quickly.

And my gorgeous, excellent, important novel – that I love so much – is:

A Mess.

There are typos everywhere. The punctuation is worse than awful – missing quotations marks and quotation marks looking in the wrong direction everywhere. Commas instead of periods. Crazy spacing. And worst of all, through some formatting error, the paperback version is missing two very sweet scenes – scenes that are referenced later in the story.

I screwed up my baby.

Haste makes Waste, my Grandma used to say.

And I’m mortified. And I’m sorry to anyone who read my book in such an awful state. It’s a great story and well told. But it looks awful.

Why didn’t I take my time and do it right?

Why did I buy a cheap trenchcoat?

Because, as Grandma also used to say, I can’t hardly wait.

Yes, my formatter made a serious error and deleted scenes in the paperback. And yes, it turns out that my word processing software has a glitch in punctuation, and just uses open or closed quotes in sort of a random pick-a-card kind of fashion. But neither one of those things is to blame.

I am to blame.

I put out a book I am proud of in a way I am not proud of.

But I can fix it.

No one died (except my pride).

It’s fixable and I’m doing it right now. I’m getting it right. Using better software. Reading and re-reading. Not reading what I expect to see on the page. READING. And with a great giant font that lets me see which way those goddamn quotes are facing.

Impatience is not a virtue. Except maybe when you are impatient for Justice or Kindness in the world.

If you are doing something wonderful, take your time. Make it right. Nothing and no one is perfect, but make it as good as it can be.

Self-imposed deadlines are destructive.

Wait for the beautiful trenchcoat – the one that will last forever and never goes out of style.

And if you have made a dreadful mistake:

Take responsibility and Fix it.

It’s worth it and you are worth it.

I’m fixing my beautiful story so that it is as impeccable as it deserves to be.

 

nancywithbooks

Me with my books – So happy before I realized my impatient mistake. But I will be happy again.

 

PS:   Please know – to anyone who may have already purchased LUCINDA’S SOLUTION: I am so sorry. I will get a replacement book – a Kindle version or a paperback version – out to you at my expense. Just email me at nancyeroman@yahoo.com.  We both deserve to know that mistakes can be corrected. And apologies can be given. And accepted. 

PPS:  The Kindle version is not missing any scenes… it just has all the annoying (but not terminal) typos.

 

 

 

Thank You, Eddie

In the early 80s, I worked for an Easter Seal Rehabilitation Center.

The work we did was mostly physical therapy, speech therapy, and vocational rehabilitation. It was in the north end of Hartford, Connecticut – one of the poorest sections of Hartford. I was glad we were there, even if it was not the best neighborhood. Because that’s where we were needed.

I had spent several years working at another nonprofit – a program that offered services to the elderly. (On Aging and Kindness). There I learned Compassion and Respect. And it carried me well throughout my career.

At Easter Seals, I learned Gratitude.

Because I saw all sorts of people managing with a whole lot less than I had. Financially, physically, mentally. People deal with what Life gives them. It’s what they do. They work with what they have. And I saw how much I had.

Not only with our clients – our employees also made the best of their lot in life. Within my own subordinates, there was a blind medical transcriptionist, a deaf accounting clerk, a bookkeeper with a prosthetic arm. I was thankful that my own physical impairment was trivial. I learned to be less self-conscious of my scoliosis. And I learned that even serious physical handicaps do not define a person. That we are all much more alike than different.

And of course the clients: Living good lives – lives that were full of love and not sorrow. Not DESPITE their handicaps but WITH them. Good lives, with what they knew and what they had. There were those born with cerebral palsy or spina bifida or perhaps a cleft palate. Some may call them abnormalities. I hate that word. These are NORMAL people. The human body comes in more than one style.

Sometimes your body style changes from the one you were born with. And you need to adjust to a new normal. And so we had many clients adjusting to life after a stroke or permanent change from a car accident. (And I try very hard not to be preachy here on my blog, but if we all could understand how fast our lives can change, we would all know the importance of good and affordable medical care for everyone. Don’t tell me that you don’t need insurance because you are healthy. You are healthy today….that’s all.)

So many people showed me in a thousand different everyday ways how lucky I am … what I had to be thankful for.

But especially Eddie.

We had a sheltered workshop that was an important part of our rehabilitation program. We concentrated on providing skills, and sometimes permanent employment, to those with broken or fragile souls. Those folks who not strong enough to manage the stress of the average work environment. Some of our clients had limited intellectual capabilities, or had not quite recovered from nervous breakdowns or other mental illness. Every one of us could benefit from a supportive work environment – these delicate and breakable individuals just needed a little more of it that the rest of us.

Some of our clients – to the outside world – were quite crazy. We helped a woman with partial catatonia train for a job – she could scoop mashed potatoes in a cafeteria line – and did it very well, by the way. We had one guy who was such a germaphobe that he not only sprayed everything with Lysol constantly – he sprayed himself constantly too.  Yes, he was a weirdo. But he was OUR weirdo. And we loved him.

And in the sheltered workshop is where I met Eddie.

Eddie had a borderline IQ. He functioned quite well but was easily confused and upset. I never saw his records, but I’d guess Eddie was somewhere on the mild side of the OCD spectrum. He liked to count things and he liked to make neat stacks.  One of the subcontracting tasks we regularly took on in the workshop was opening and sorting proxy votes for large companies. Eddie was great at sorting votes.

Eddie had been at the shelter for years. It was his life. He lived on the other, almost-as-poor, side of Hartford and took the bus to and from work. He packed a generous lunch in a big metal lunch box – the kind that makes you think of construction workers sitting on a girder. He was a very good eater but was a slight, skinny man. His nervous energy burned up the calories I suppose. He was probably in his thirties. So was I.

One day I had a meeting at the office of one of our board members. I did not know exactly where the street was. But our facility had a transportation department, because we had a van and picked up wheelchair-bound clients to bring them in for their therapy. So I went to the transportation office and consulted the big map that hung on the wall.

And Eddie walked by the room. He stopped.

“What are you looking at?” he asked me.

“Well, I’m going to somewhere I’ve never been before, so I am checking the map to see where the street is,” I explained.

He was silent for a second. And then he whistled a bit through his teeth. “Wow,” he said. “You must be really smart.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because you can read a map. My father says that you have to be really smart to read a map. They’re very confusing.”

And I thought about that. About this man living his life – getting back and forth to work, and making his lunch, and cashing his paycheck. Maybe going to the movies once in a while. Paying his taxes. Just living. With what he had.

“Eddie, you take the bus every day. I can never figure out the bus routes. You must be pretty smart to do that,” I said. And I meant it.

“It’s not so hard once you get the hang of it,” Eddie answered. “I could teach you.”

I left that job soon afterwards. Eddie never taught me the bus routes. But he taught me so much more.

I am thankful that I am strong and healthy today. (I know that can change. So I am thankful for just today.)

But even more than physical strength, I am thankful that I was lucky enough to be born smart.

Eddie taught me to be thankful that everyday chores are not overwhelming for me. I can read a map. I can navigate a computer. I can manage my money.  I can understand the fine print in a contract. I can follow a recipe. I can communicate with my doctor.

That shit is HARD. And I can do it.

I don’t take for granted that I can use my brain. I try to use it often.

Thank you, Eddie, for reminding me.

theo&me 10-17 thanksgiving

from Theo and Nancy.

 

P.S. I also want to thank all of you who helped make Amazon’s free Kindle promotion of JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED such an amazing success! I hope you enjoy the book, and if you do, I hope you also read my new novel, LUCINDA’S SOLUTION.

 

 

 

 

 

Three Little Kittens – The Sequel

A few weeks ago, I shared a little story (The Pushover) about how a tough heartless family (also known as: us) took in 3 foster kittens for a temporary, 10-day stay. And how they stayed. Permanently.

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The little monsters are six months old now.

They are adorable, demanding, playful and naughty.

And hungry. I never saw such good eaters.

They will eat their own food, then our old cat Lillian’s food, and then they take on our dog Theo’s kibble. They do not care if he is eating it at the time.

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They may be triplets, but they are also unique.

There’s Niko. He’s sort of the E.T. of the feline world. A friendly alien.

 

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And Athena.  Beautiful, aloof. She’s Greta Garbo. “I vant to be alone.” Yes, I believe Athena has a foreign accent.

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And then there’s Thor. He’s cuddly. He purrs. He drools. He’s a goofy-eyed dreamer.

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They have managed somehow to sneak on their little cat feet into the very depths of my heart.

And how are the other little monsters adjusting?

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Well, Lillian is not in love. She is still grouchy. But then again, she was born grouchy. She has increased her tolerance level however, to the admirable point where she doesn’t immediately hiss and hit. It is about a five second threshold, however. But the kittens have learned to count to five.

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And then there is Theo. As much as Lillian is not in love, Theo IS in love  – totally. And the kittens love him back.

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Of course, they are not quite kittens any more. At six months, they are hell-raising teenagers.

They have learned to scale the baby gate to our storage area, which is just full of wonderful things like wrapping paper, tissue, and ribbon. And since these items are surely for gifts – they bring them to Theo, who cannot scale the baby gate. Theo happily tears these presents into tiny little pieces.

And they knock things off counters. They tip over water.

They explore in the potted plants.

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They play the piano.

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And as adolescents, they needed to have their hormones dealt with.

So one month ago we sent them to bed without supper. And in the morning we scooped them up into their respective carriers for a trip to the vet.

Almost. We scooped two of the three: compliant little Niko and affectionate little Thor.

We could not catch horrid little Athena. My husband and I chased the wily female until we were panting. But she was not. She could have kept it up all day.

And I had some deep battle wounds.

So we gave up and brought only the boys for their little-boy-surgery.

And consoled ourselves that at least there would be no incest under our roof.

And a few weeks later, we made another appointment. We sent Athena to bed without supper, and locked her in the small bathroom. No more hiding under the bed for her!

And in the morning, when my husband opened the door, Athena jumped over his head and hid under the bed.

And my husband had some deep battle wounds.

We will try again before Christmas.

And even though I am swearing at the monster as I write this, I have to admit that a part of me is impressed.

You go, Girl!

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P.S. I had lots of fun on this post using the Prisma app for interesting filters.

 

And P.P.S. –  Do you have a Kindle?  If you do, and you would like to read my first novel, JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, for free (FREE!)-  Amazon is offering a free (FREE!) download from Nov 14 -18!  Just click here for your free (FREE!) download during those dates. Or just go to Amazon and search for the title . You’ll like it. I promise. Did I mention it was FREE?

 

Untested Magic

One of my favorite movies is “Funny Girl.

It was released in 1968, when I was 17 – and oh, how I loved everything about Barbra Streisand, Fanny Brice, the music, the costumes – and the whole era. Perhaps my enchantment with this film may have partially motivated me to write LUCINDA’S SOLUTION – which is set in the same pre- and post- WWI period.

My favorite scene from the “Funny Girl” is the adorable Roller Skate Rag. Fanny gets her first break into show business in a novelty roller-skating number. Of course, she’s a disaster on skates, completely out of control. Eddie Ryan (the soft-hearted guy who gave her the part) catches her as she careens wildly into the wings.

Eddie:  “I thought you said you could skate!”
Fanny :  “I didn’t know I couldn’t.”

Wow.

Just wow.

Just because Fanny has never roller-skated before, doesn’t mean she thinks she can’t. She instead assumes she can – because  – well, why not?

I mean, just think about that line for a minute. And put it into your own life.

Instead of focusing on all the things you can’t do, think about all the things you just might be able to – only you don’t know it.

This life is so complex – so full of possibilities. No one gets a chance to do everything. We are only just scratching the very surface of all the possible experiences.

And it’s very likely, with all the things that we never get a chance to do, that some of them we might actually be pretty good at.

We have undiscovered abilities that we will never know about.

For me, perhaps, I might be able to do lots of stuff that I most likely will never get to do.

But who knows? Maybe I could.

I don’t know that I can’t.

I will never know that I can:

 – Make friends with a bear

 – Create Christmas ornaments of blown glass

 – Deliver a baby

 – Ride a unicycle

 – Live in an igloo

 – Solve a murder

 – Discover a constellation.

Years ago, I knew a guy who had a plane. And he took me up for a ride. But before he took off, he showed me how to steer and what I would do if he had a heart attack or something. It was kind of surreal. And of course I never got a chance to land that plane. but who knows?  Maybe I could have.

Like Fanny, I don’t know that I couldn’t.

And how about you?

You are just full of amazing potential that you will never get to explore.

But it’s still there.

Doesn’t that just blow your mind?

You magical creature, you.

rollerskaterag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Excerpt

As I mentioned – okay,  SHOUTED – in my previous post, my new novel LUCINDA’S SOLUTION is finally available on Amazon. 

Amazon’s ‘Look Inside’ feature allows you to read the first several pages. But just in case that is not enticing enough, I thought I would share a scene from later in the story.

In this scene, Lucinda goes to her father’s lumberyard to tell her best friend Peter that she is going to be married – to the husband of her dead sister.

***

 

I went around to the back of the yard and waited for Peter to come back with the horses. The yard had been transitioning to delivery trucks for the last year – Father had been brought along to the 20th century with Malcolm’s encouragement – but Peter still drove the old wagon with the now-ancient team.
I sat on a bale of hay and shivered, although it was a warm day for the end of December. Forty minutes later I watched him drive in. He didn’t see me in the shadows, so I sat silently while Peter unhitched the horses. He put away the tack, and brushed Zeke and Carthage, cleaned their hooves and fed them two carrots each, all the while cooing to them about being the best creatures in existence.
“You two are the loveliest smartest animals in Springfield. You are the loveliest animals in Massachusetts. You are the loveliest in New England. The loveliest in the whole of the United States of America. In the world. In all the planets.”
“What comes after the Universe?” I asked, jumping up.
Peter laughed. He wasn’t the slightest bit surprised or embarrassed by his effusion.
“The Heavens!” he answered.
He led Zeke to his stall, and I took Carthage and led him to his.
“It’s so good to see you, Lucinda,” said Peter. “I didn’t even know that I missed you until you are in front of me and then I think to myself, “Now the world is straight!”
“I’m back, but it is only to say goodbye.”
“Are you off to school then?” he asked. “Off to write of injustices and dirty dealings? To save the universe?”
“No. I am off to save a family.”
“Catherine’s, I expect,” Peter said.
“Yes, Catherine’s. Mine now, soon. It has been decided that I will raise her children. I’m to be married to Martin.” I added, “Tomorrow.”
Peter spun around to face me. “Jesus, Lucy!”
“Don’t swear, Peter!”
“It’s so fast. And you’re so young… what are you now, fifteen?”
“Seventeen.”
“Well, if I knew you were ancient I would have married you myself!”
“Very funny,” I said.
He turned and gave old Zeke another carrot. “Seriously, Lucinda I had a mind to marry you.”
“You did? Oh, Peter that’s so nice to know.” I sat down on an upturned bucket. “I would have made you miserable.”
“That’s likely,” he said. “How can you be married so soon? What about the Banns and all?”
“Monsignor got a dispensation from the Bishop. Martin needs to return to Connecticut right away.”
Peter sat down on the packed dirt of the barn floor facing me where I perched on my makeshift chair. He sat so near me that I could feel his breath against my leg. I thought for a moment he would put his head on my knee. I wouldn’t have stopped him.
“I saw Catherine once, he said. I was about ten. I think she must have been the age you were when you first came to the yard. She was so lovely it was a minute or more before I could get a breath.”
“Yes. She was beautiful for sure.”
“You look like her, you know.”
“Ha,” I said. “Only to someone with your poor eyesight.”
“I see well enough.”
I couldn’t think of anything to end this conversation. “Her children are as pretty. And they are smart and happy too. They have my heart already.”
“And Martin?” Peter asked. “Does he have your heart?”
I looked away. “He’s a good man.”
“I wish I had married you a year ago,” he said.
“Oh Petey, you would have made a fine husband. And you will. You will find a girl as beautiful as Catherine, who will see your good heart.”
“I will have a farm and seven children. All redheads. They will have so many freckles, the neighbors will call us the Spotted Farm.”
“When you find the girl, I would ask your brothers for advice. Ask Samuel if your girl is smart enough. But ask Richard if she’s beautiful enough.”
“Oh, I may be blind as a bat, Lucinda, but I know for a fact that smart and beautiful are the same thing.”

 

What happens next? 

Here’s the Amazon link:  click here to buy LUCINDA’S SOLUTION

 

Lucinda's-Solution (3)

PS… I apologize that the paragraph indents have disappeared.

It’s Here!!!!

My new book!

Lucinda's-Solution (3)

 

LUCINDA’S SOLUTION is a love story that encompasses the changing mores and the role of women from 1918 to 1920.

The novel was inspired by my own family – especially how my paternal grandfather’s family coped with the devastation brought on by the influenza pandemic. LUCINDA’S SOLUTION is fiction, but hearing the family stories for years and years ignited my imagination, and created characters who quickly became family –  in my heart.

Here’s the description from the back cover:

backblurb

 

LUCINDA’S SOLUTION is available in paperback and kindle versions on Amazon.

Here’s the link:  LUCINDA’S SOLUTION

I hope you will consider buying my book, and I hope you like it.

If you do like it, I hope you will also contribute a review on Amazon.

I am thrilled that I did it… that it’s real … that I can hold my creation in my hands.

I’m so fortunate – my dreams keep coming true.

 

 

The Seniors’ Door

Back when I was in high school – which was either just yesterday or fifty years ago, I forget which – there was a tradition associated with a door.

The Seniors’ Door.

The high school was a low, 2-story sprawling structure. I don’t think it was all built at the same time. It looked to me like every time the city (Bristol, Connecticut) grew a bit, a new quadrangle was added. Certainly the classroom numbering was fairly odd – like someone made up numbers as necessary. It reminded me of adding a new exit on the highway, and instead of renumbering the whole slew, they just added some As and Bs… Exit 25A, Classroom 213D.

So it was a big school that never seemed crowded because of the long wide insane squares of hallways. But it was pretty big for a rather small city – there were 450 kids in my graduating class alone- and another couple of hundred at the crosstown rival school.

But back to the door.

A rambling structure like that – holding two thousand kids and maybe 100 teachers and staff – had a gazillion doors. Fire drills were chaos, but everyone got out fast. (Getting everyone back in was a different issue.)

But there was one door – facing the main parking lot – that was reserved.

Seniors only.

Freshmen, Sophomores, and Juniors used mainly the other front-facing door.  This lowly door  (in status only; it was huge) was just a couple of dozen feet away from the Seniors’ door. But there was no honor in that door.

I think about it now.

How crazy and useless the separation of those doors was. And who in the world decided to give such designation to doors?

But when my time came, how I loved the Seniors’ Door. Even if a different door was more convenient, I would walk to the Seniors’ Door. Opening that door conferred my specialness. Well, mine and my 449 classmates. It was as if that door opened into the world of adulthood. And we Seniors were ready.

But I remember a day – a year before, when I was still a Junior. I was working on a project (I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. I hardly ever volunteered for anything) with two other girls who were seniors. And we were leaving to go to one of the girls’ homes to finish up, and they were heading out the Seniors’ Door.

I made a dead stop.

“What?” they asked.

“I can’t go out that door!” I said. “I will go around and meet you in the parking lot.”

“Are you kidding?” said the girl whose home were were going to. A girl who – in our very ordinary, very middle class community was considered ‘privileged’. I think her father had a print shop.

“It’s the Seniors’ Door!” I explained.

“It’s a DOOR!” she said.

And held it open for me and I held my breath and walked through.

Holy shit. I went through a door I was not allowed to go through.

And the world did not come to an end.

I did not get arrested. I did not even get detention. I did not even get noticed.

And it felt AWESOME.

I would recommend that we all go through all the forbidden doors more often.

Not the ones with the alarms though.

The ones with rules. The ones with stigmas. The ones that only allow certain people to go through.

Go through.

Dance through.

Push the damn door open and run like hell – right through.

 

opendoor