notquiteold

Nancy Roman

No Thanks

This Thanksgiving, I am not only thankful for all the wonderful things I have – I’m thankful for all the things I don’t want.

I have always been the type of girl who wants everything she sees.

I consider this an asset.

If I like everything, then it means I am really easy to please, right? Just think of how easy it is to buy me a gift, when I like a pretty notebook just as much as diamond earrings. (Okay, that may not be the best example.)

Of course, as easy as it is to buy me a present, it is dangerous for me to go shopping for myself. It is all so beautiful, I want it all. In every color.

When I got my first professional job, I also took a part-time job in a clothing store, so that I could buy some nice new clothes for my “real” job. Not only did I love all the stuff I normally love – I’d help a customer and she’d try on something I wouldn’t have considered – and I would see how cute that was too. And so I bought all my own taste in clothes and everybody else’s as well. The day I quit, I told my manager I just couldn’t afford to work there anymore.

And now that you can shop without ever leaving your house, well…now I want stuff that I have never even seen. And I can love stuff from all over the world. My desire is endless. 

Almost.

Because now that I am sort of mature…I have actually found a few things that I don’t want.

BOTOX.

I am as interested in staying young as the next person – (okay, quite a bit more than the next person). But my idea of young is not exactly the History Room at Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum. Nicole Kidman is a very beautiful woman, but I think she might be just as beautiful if her forehead …um… moved.

PERMANENT MAKEUP.

Otherwise known as tattoos. I love makeup. I wear it every single day. But I don’t want my eyeliner inked in permanently. For God’s sake, Styles CHANGE. How silly would I look now if I had my Twiggy lashes tattooed under my eyes in 1968? Yes, I have to put on my makeup every single day. But you have to be pretty lazy to think it’s too much trouble to draw a little line on your eyelids in the morning.

A STAR NAMED AFTER ME.

I can’t tell one star from another – even the famous ones. But you can now buy one of the insignificant stars and have it named after you or a loved one. I may be naive  – but even I don’t exactly believe that those star-registry websites sell you a star, and don’t sell the same star to a boatload  rocketshipload of other fools who wouldn’t know the difference.

Yes, see that star over there – that little dot next to all the other little dots – well that one is named Nancy. 

Ja, siehe diesen Stern dort – die kleine Punkt neben all den anderen kleinen Punkte – gut, das mann mit dem Namen Heidi.

Si, ver esa estrella alla – que pequeno punto al lado de todos los otros pequenos puntos – asi que uno se llama Consuelo.

PET CLOTHING.

I love all my little kitties. And if I had a dog, I would love my doggie too. I don’t have a dog only because I came to my senses just before I walked out of the Agway with Bob, the no-tail little rescue mongrel that was blackmailing me with those big sad eyes. But as much as I baby all my cats, I don’t dress them up. They don’t have Halloween costumes or Santa suits. Shit, they don’t even have store-bought toys. I tend to wad up a piece of paper and say, “Here’s a ball!”

DISHWASHER MAGNETS.

I have a friend who has a magnet on her dishwasher. It has a little arrow that points to “Clean” or “Dirty.” I admit that my husband calls me at work to ask  “Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?” So yes, those phone calls might be prevented.  Instead he would call to ask “Is the arrow pointing to ‘Clean’ right?”

A TWESUME.

Yes, the wave of the future is tweeting your resume. I had a hard enough time getting my resume to two pages. Future resumes (and hiring decisions) will be based on 140 characters. Good thing I am close to retirement age.

twesume

21 Comments

  1. An answer for everything. This one captures this post, “…If I like everything, then it means I am really easy to please, right?” 😀

    I’m with you about the second half of your post. The star named after you is a rip off. Not exciting at all. Permanent makeup? Ouch. Hee hee hee.

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  2. Who wouldn’t want to have botulism injected into their body? Or still look like Twiggy?

    OK, I will admit to having a costume for my (now departed) dog Cooper. It was actually given to my previous dog, Charlie. Both tried to eat it, which is really fun to watch. We time each dog to see exactly how long they will permit themselves to look like Uncle Sam.

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    • I will admit that part of the reason my cats don’t get costumes is that they wouldn’t stand for it. Maybe if I had a very obedient dog, I could dress him up. A little cardigan, maybe…

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  3. I’m with you. I wouldn’t want any of those things either, well maybe the dishwasher magnet if I had a dishwasher that worked.

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    • Well, if your dishwasher doesn’t work, you can just leave the magnet on “Dirty” and never have to remember to change it.

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  4. A twesume. Now I’ve seen everything. But yours is great! I’m tempted to try it just to see if I can… here goes: “Slightly OCD writer & computer geek. Talks to imaginary people. Does not play well with others. Completely unemployable.”

    Wait, what do you mean, ‘I’m supposed to be trying to get the job’…?

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    • It’s just a matter of changing “Completely unemployable” to “Will work from home”

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  5. Thank you, Nancy. Needed a laugh, and as always, you delivered.

    And Happy Thanksgiving!

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    • Happy Thanksgiving to you too. Let’s all be thankful that we can say NO to a few things.

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  6. I have that dishwasher magnet. Thanks for reminding me! Nobody ever looks at it. We decide that the dishes are clean if the upside down glasses have water on their tops (or technically, their bottoms).

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    • That’s the clue I use too! But Hubby isn’t sure the standing water doesn’t just mean that I rinsed stuff before stacking the dishwasher.

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      • Or, that’s your husband’s story and it’s working for him!

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  7. Fantastic post!! I sat here nodding throughout and found that I too could expand this list by a few more!

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    • Oh. let’s do another one. I also don’t want a camper.

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  8. I agree with that list wholeheartedly. That twesume things makes me hate the world a little.

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    • When I heard on the radio that we have to start working on our twesumes, that’s when I was glad I was too old to look for another job.

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  9. That is a list I can’t argue with. I hadn’t heard about the twesumes. If that is yours you did a spectacular job. I’m in big trouble.

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  10. I had a friend who always, always had on lipliner, even without any other makeup. I finally had conclude it was “permanent.” (I never asked.) Only in her part of the world–I won’t say where–would that still not be considered freakish.

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  11. I think women in general are easier to buy stuff for! I can always find an inexpensive trinket that my mom, or my sister, or daughter, or nieces would love. The men? If it doesn’t cost hundreds of dollars, I’m stumped! (not that they are money grubbers, it’s just the stuff they like is “guns, cars, electronics….” What cute thing do you pick up for a guy at the dollar store??!)
    Cat Costumes – we have one t-shirt that my daughter picked out for our cat a few Christmases ago. We put it on him once a year because it’s hilarious! You would think that little cotton tshirt weighs 50 pounds… we put it on him, he takes one or two slinking steps, lays(falls) down, rolls over, and doesn’t move. It’s great entertainment!

    Like

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