Jealousy
I’m jealous of my husband.
Not jealous OVER my husband. Although I guess I would if he had a girlfriend. I guess. Maybe I would. I definitely would. Eventually.
And I’m not jealous because he’s a MAN. No, I never wanted to be a man. As Elaine Benes said, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”
And I never felt held back because I was a woman. I worked for 15 years at ESPN – that bastion of testosterone. And I held my own with the guys and got promoted and even joined the football pool. And I played in the ESPN Golf Tournament with all the jocks. I came in last, but that just goes to show you what a good sport I am.
I actually sometimes feel sorry for men. How sad it must be not to cover a pimple with a little makeup, or neaten up your eyebrows, or control your tummy with some Spanx, or accentuate your sexy parts with a little padding. (Well, okay, I think some guys do that.)
No, there’s just a couple of little things that lately have me jealous of my husband.
1.
The cats prefer my husband to me. We have four cats. Every time we’ve adopted a cat, I figure this one will be MY cat. But no, they all like him better. Sure, he’s home more, but you’d think that would make my presence all the more precious. But no. I’m just a can opener.
My husband also doesn’t understand discipline. And the kitties love that about him. When we took in homeless Stewart, my husband hated him and told me to find someone to take him off our hands. That was eleven years ago. Now they sleep curled up together. Stewart considers me a third wheel.
2
He’s retired. We’ve been married for almost 22 years. For all those years, it has been a great comfort to me that I am younger than him. But now he’s retired, and I’m getting up and going to work every day. It’s so unfair. He reminds me that I am still way behind; he was working like a maniac when I was still in high school. But that is completely beside the point. The fact is that he shouldn’t be able to enjoy himself if I can’t.
I make him get out of bed and have breakfast with me at dawn. No sleeping late. That’s the least he can do.
3.
Christmas shopping. I buy presents for my mother, my sisters, my sisters’ husbands, my brother, my brother’s wife, my nieces and nephews and their spouses and children, his brother and his brother’s family. his cousin and her husband. And a few friends. My husband buys presents for me. And complains about it. And I am easy to buy for. I like: clothes, jewelry, perfume, makeup, books, candy, flowers, music, china, art materials, and wind-up toys. And if you are still stuck, you could always buy TWO pieces of jewelry. Not only does he have a much easier job – he has the best job in the world.
I know personally that nothing is more fun than buying something for me!
- Posted in: Aging ♦ Home ♦ Humor ♦ Marriage
- Tagged: Aging, Elaine Benes, ESPN, husband, Jealousy, Marriage, middle-aged, Pets, retirement, Spanx
notquiteold 
My wife is jealous because when we go out, I always get better service than she does by the waitress. Bigger portions, the correct stuff extra french fries. Happens all the time. I wonder why?
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Who leaves the tip?
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Oh yeah, you think that’s it?
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well you’re a cutie, but not exactly George Clooney.
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LOL, Yeah but, I’m pretty funny.
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Further proof that we did marry the same man.
AND Nancy you were my first thought yesterday when I had a problem. I had backed out of the garage, clicked the door closed, when I bumped my coffee. As I cleaned it up, the garage door went almost all the way down AND THEN BACK UP! A bit of weatherstripping had come loose and was setting off the auto-stop mechanism. So our husbands are right! If I hadn’t spilled my coffee, i.e. waited to make sure it closed, well, the house would have been empty when I returned home later. And cold. I hate it when they are right.
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My husband always waits. And he can’t do anything else while he waits (adjust mirrors, fasten seatbelt,etc.). He has to watch the door the come down.
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The only thing I’m mildly jealous of my husband for is the fact that eating is optional for him – he’s rarely hungry. That means he can always out-wait me, so I usually end up doing the cooking. But I’m not really complaining – I work happily from home while he slogs downtown every day. I’d much rather cook!
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My husband is an adventurous eater. He likes everything and will try anything. Which makes him easy to please. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that he has taken over the cooking responsibilities now that he is retired. When it is his turn to handle preparing a meal, well: Dinner is not something you make; it is something you get.
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I DO feel sorry for men because they can’t use makeup to cover up a pimple etc. I would most definitely be jealous the cats prefer THEM compared to ME. Other than that…we each have our part and woman do things so much better…*grins*
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My aunt used to make sure my uncle didn’t have a unibrow. She told me when they were dating that she couldn’t wait to take her tweezers to that brow!
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*rolling on floor laughing*
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Reblogged this on My Blog snuppy.
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Thanks.
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Just came across your blog – I love this entry!
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Thanks… I hope I made you laugh a bit.
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Ha ha ha! Stuart peeking out of the sheets made my day 🙂
I’m also easy to buy for — we are kindreds there sister!
MJ
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Stewie and I have the same argument every morning. He prefers the bed unmade, and I – weirdly – insist on making it.
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I use to make lists of things I need/want and leave them randomly around the house. I would go through catalogues and circle items. If it was clothes I would circle colour and size. We would have long conversations in front of an item I wanted in a store. I was brazen with my hints. He-Who never once took a “hint” from me but he always did a great job of getting me something I never wanted and can’t figure out how I ever lived without it.
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Last year I gave him a picture of the sweater I wanted and directions to the store.
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Love this…”never took a “hint” from me but he always did a great job of getting me something I never wanted and can’t figure out how I ever lived without it.” Totally Mr. G., yet even if he gives me a hint and I take it, or I try and guess what he can’t live without it’s a huge fail either way. And as for the cats….had 2 when we met, and the one he wanted me to get rid of if it didn’t work out having 2, ended up practically glued to his side and would bat at me every time I walked by! The other one probably wanted to go to him as well but stayed with me out of pity I’m sure of it.
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I think there are more “pity” cats out there than people are willing to admit.
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It’s just the opposite in our house. I’m retired and George is still working, but he says he actually likes it that way because he likes coming home to a relaxed wife. And I always get up and make breakfast for him and pack his lunch. As for the cat thing, I say get a dog.
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Oh, dogs like him too.
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My husband is also the non-disciplinarian. I have allergies – severe ones – and when I’m not looking the cats are sleeping on my pillow.
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Have you considered that your husband puts them up to it?
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I’m pretty sure he does, actually. Which is why I tell him the dog sleeps on his side of the bed when he goes out of town.
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LOL! I don’t know how it is possible but your stories keep getting funnier and funnier. This one is at the top of the heap. “I’m just a can opener” had me practically rolling out of my desk chair!
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P.S. I also love the illustrations and especially the picture of Stewart guarding his favorite guy.
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I have to admit – I read a book where the cats considered the human beings to be can openers – and I could identify.
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And that’s my favorite picture of Stewart – it captures his ‘essence’ – and Essence of Stewart is powerful.
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Funny post. I take some comfort in knowing there are other clueless men out there.
Do you do the drawings? They are great.
As for walking around with those “things”….it’s not hard at all.
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Yes, I do my own drawings. Glad you like them. And those things are just yucky.
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The gift buying thing is never going to balance out. We have the same argument in our house every year.
Good luck trying to sway one of the cats into your corner. Maybe you can start bribing one of them 🙂
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I tried the bribing with the newest cat. My husband out-bribed me.
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I make certain I am very difficult to buy for, always moving my Wish List on Amazon and giving it ‘secret names’. Like you, I buy all the other gifts so at least buying for me should be a challenge!
I am not jealous of my husband, he has it easy in fact he has a fabulous life…he is married to me.
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Well, I am jealous that he is married to ME. I think it would be a lot easier than being married to HIM.
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When I worked full time in a cubicle in corporate America I was always jealous of my self employed husband who was free to ski or golf whenever the opportunity arose. Needless to day it wasn’t very good for our marriage.
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Before he retired he was self-employed – so I really understand you.
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Your husband actually goes out and buys your Christmas presents?!!?!? Lucky you! I buy my own, put them in a bag on the floor on his side of the bed, and try to act ‘surprised’ when I find them under the tree on Christmas morning (well, I AM surprised that they’re wrapped … sort of).
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I usually accompany him for my “big” gift – because early in our relationshio we had a couple of disasters.
https://notquiteold.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/o-christmas-pan/
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A delightful read! Thanks for dropping by my site. Hope to see you there again some time. Itty
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Thank you Nancy. I am 70, my husband is 73. He retired at 65. I am still waiting to retire. Why is this? While working he helped with laundry, floors, cleaning the bathroom and making the bed. Not anymore, he is “retired”. Me, I am working harder, doing more housework, laundry, you name it I do it. I am the chief accountant, banker, pick up from the pharmacy and make appointments. I buy all the gifts, he finds it difficult to buy one, mine. I am sick & I am tired of shouldering all responsibility. After fifty years of marriage I am starting a new life. Wish me luck.
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