I’m jealous of my husband.
Not jealous OVER my husband. Although I guess I would if he had a girlfriend. I guess. Maybe I would. I definitely would. Eventually.
And I’m not jealous because he’s a MAN. No, I never wanted to be a man. As Elaine Benes said, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”
And I never felt held back because I was a woman. I worked for 15 years at ESPN – that bastion of testosterone. And I held my own with the guys and got promoted and even joined the football pool. And I played in the ESPN Golf Tournament with all the jocks. I came in last, but that just goes to show you what a good sport I am.
I actually sometimes feel sorry for men. How sad it must be not to cover a pimple with a little makeup, or neaten up your eyebrows, or control your tummy with some Spanx, or accentuate your sexy parts with a little padding. (Well, okay, I think some guys do that.)
No, there’s just a couple of little things that lately have me jealous of my husband.
The cats prefer my husband to me. We have four cats. Every time we’ve adopted a cat, I figure this one will be MY cat. But no, they all like him better. Sure, he’s home more, but you’d think that would make my presence all the more precious. But no. I’m just a can opener.
My husband also doesn’t understand discipline. And the kitties love that about him. When we took in homeless Stewart, my husband hated him and told me to find someone to take him off our hands. That was eleven years ago. Now they sleep curled up together. Stewart considers me a third wheel.
He’s retired. We’ve been married for almost 22 years. For all those years, it has been a great comfort to me that I am younger than him. But now he’s retired, and I’m getting up and going to work every day. It’s so unfair. He reminds me that I am still way behind; he was working like a maniac when I was still in high school. But that is completely beside the point. The fact is that he shouldn’t be able to enjoy himself if I can’t.
I make him get out of bed and have breakfast with me at dawn. No sleeping late. That’s the least he can do.
Christmas shopping. I buy presents for my mother, my sisters, my sisters’ husbands, my brother, my brother’s wife, my nieces and nephews and their spouses and children, his brother and his brother’s family. his cousin and her husband. And a few friends. My husband buys presents for me. And complains about it. And I am easy to buy for. I like: clothes, jewelry, perfume, makeup, books, candy, flowers, music, china, art materials, and wind-up toys. And if you are still stuck, you could always buy TWO pieces of jewelry. Not only does he have a much easier job – he has the best job in the world.
I know personally that nothing is more fun than buying something for me!