notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Practically Perfect

When last we met (well, almost every time we’ve met), I discussed a few of my husband’s little quirks. It’s probably my laziest subject – there’s not much challenge here. He has so many quirks and I watch him – and them – incessantly.

But fair is fair, so I figured I should now reveal some of my own little quirks.

I’ve spent days looking for them.

It is the curse of the writer to be so perfect and so normal.

If you are also a WordPress blogger, you may have recently experienced a surge in subscribers of the weirdest kind. Namely, of the nonexistent kind. I now have Followers who appear to be bloggers with no blog. I suppose I should be surprised by this, but in truth, it seems quite fitting that fictitious folk find me fascinating.

And then there are some subscribers who actually write a blog, but on subjects completely without connection to my own. News, Science, Weather. But then again, perhaps the weatherperson not only likes hailstorms but also false eyelashes.

But I digress.

And no, that’s not one of my faults. My digressions are  – I’m sure – quite charming.

And anyway, this is not really a digression. There’s a point coming up, just a couple of sentences away.

Two weeks ago I gained yet another mysterious subscriber. This blogger has an actual blog. It purports to be a news site. But mostly it just reblogs some tasteless videos. You have to start somewhere though, so that’s okay. I’m sure you could go from whacked-in-the-nuts videos to the Pulitzer Prize.  But I think this blogger might have a better chance of success if he were to try blogging in his own language. That English is not his first language is excruciatingly obvious. And humorous.

Especially as he describes his goal: ” To improve our perfections”.

And see?  There’s the relation to this blog.

I can’t find any faults in myself.

But I can see a couple of places where I just might be able to – slightly – improve my perfections.

Like my phone skills.

I am not a phone person. My husband, however, is among the world’s greatest phone persons. I usually let him make my calls for me. I would have him call my girlfriends if I could.

For someone whose head is chock full of ideas I can write about, I can’t seem to think of anything to say when I am on the phone.

My conversation with my Mother goes something like this:  “I’ll come over and we can talk then.”

Because I need to be face-to-face. I can’t talk unface-to-unface.

Because if you can’t see me, I can’t pay attention.

I’m sure I would do okay skyping. Because I’d know you’re watching.

But if I’m invisible, it takes approximately 46 seconds before my mind wanders.

Years ago, I used to watch TV while on the phone. And though you may be a sparkling conversationalist, let me confess: the TV always won.

And now with cordless phones, the possibilities are limitless. I can get a snack, neaten my underwear drawer, play online games, brush the cat, try a new lipstick, or watch one my husband’s annoying quirks.

I had a phone call at the office on Friday. It was important.

But even though there’s a cord attaching me to the phone and the phone to the desk, I can’t remember who it was or what they wanted.

Damn you, Grumpy Cat.

Anyway, if that was you I was not listening to, please don’t call me back. Write me an email.

unremembering.jpg

35 Comments

  1. I always suspected you were perfect. Now I know for sure. 🙂

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  2. That is a perfectly perfect imperfection! 🙂

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  3. LOL

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  4. Just so perfectly perfect!

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  5. I’m not a phone person either. Luckily, I work with mostly international people for my job, so I can get away with almost never having to talk on the phone because of the time difference. Email all the way 🙂

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    • Me too. My favorite business associate is the guy in Holland.

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  6. The only time I can really pay attention on the phone? When I am in the car, bluetooth all the way.

    Your quirks are nothing, thus you are perfection.

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    • I’m distracted in the car too…. don’t call me there either.

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  7. I was always a great phone person — I got paid to convince people of things over the phone. Now I never use it. If you don’t have email or don’t use it, you will never hear from me. Email allows me to improve my perfections by recalling the message when I forget or mistype.

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    • My husband was in phone sales before he retired. I am going to have “Sold Ice To The Eskimos” carved on his headstone.

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  8. I’m thinking of having a cell phone surgically implanted in my husband’s ear. He loves to talk on the phone. Yesterday, I called my girlfriend, and as we were talking, he said he needed to talk to her. The two of them talked longer than she & I did!

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    • I like it when my husband talks to my girlfriends. Then I don’t have to.

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  9. Ugh, I hate talking on the phone. Dread it. Within seconds of a conversation I’m just wishing I could hang up. The good thing is mostly it’s my mom that calls me, and she doesn’t require I do anything other than breathe into the phone.

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    • My mother’s standards are about the same. But my brother is even worse on the phone than I am. She tells me that he called and said “Hello” and not much more. But he calls, so she’s happy,

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  10. Something happens between those teenage years when we can’t get enough of the phone and those….ummm….post-teenage years when you make your husband answer all the time. You also get more perfect too.

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    • I have both of those phenomena happening to the extreme.

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  11. I had no idea perfection can be, you know…perfected.
    I can’t make myself use the phone. If someone calls me, fine, I’ll talk someone has to call ME.

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    • I think we should all strive to improve our perfections. Except for talking on the phone. We shouldn’t have to.

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  12. Very funny….I’m not a phone person either….hate it! And yes, I have seen the bloggers with no blog and am a little perplexed by it. At first I was impressed that my blog was gender neutral, but then realized most of the guys are ??? not sure what….spam likers? nice post!

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    • Several people have reported weird subscribers lately. I think perhaps spammers just subscribe in the hopes that their site is publicized. But then again, they have no site. So I don’t know….

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  13. So I am not alone in this. I was wondering what the blazes was up.

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    • My non-existent subscribers are beginning to outnumber the real ones.

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  14. Thank you. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to know I am not the only one who does that. Within thirty seconds of answering the phone I am working on something else. When I hang up He-Who will say, “Who was that?” and my answer is, “I don’t remember”. He follows it up with, “What did they want?”…me… “I don’t know”.
    It is really bad when I am here alone and I put the phone on speaker. I can do just about anything without having to hold the phone. I have left the room and come back only because I heard voices and there is the person still yacking away on the phone that I had totally forgotten about. I am a very bad person. 😉

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    • How can anyone expect you to listen to them if they aren’t there to make sure you do? Totally their fault.

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  15. “And now with cordless phones, the possibilities are limitless.” Well, yeah. Is that wrong? I thought that’s why God invented cordless phones. Cell phones with tiny bluetooth ear thingies are even better, since they leave BOTH hands free.

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    • I don’t want callers in my ear – too much like a gnat, and they are close to gnatdom already.

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  16. hate the phone. if i lived alone i would change my answering machine message to, “i’m not available to come to the phone right now. please email me.”

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  17. My sister-in-law does this all the time. I’ll be chatting away about an important topic having to do with ME, and her “uh huh, uh huh” response makes it crystal clear that she is not listening on the other end of the line. Grrr!
    And your perfections don’t need any improvement.

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    • I’m sure that I am less obvious that your sister-in-law. Right? Right?

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  18. i scrolled down my reader specifiically just to find your latest post 😛

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    • Thanks. But please go back to the other bloggers too. I may not be able to handle the entertainment pressure. 🙂

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  1. Dis-Stressing | notquiteold
  2. Eureka, Sort Of | notquiteold

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