notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Not Mad As Hell

But definitely peeved as all get out.

Does anyone even used the term “all get out” anymore?  If not, then THAT peeves me too.

I have had a very peevish week.

It started last Saturday. I ran into Target to buy the Easter equivalent of stocking-stuffers for the little ones in my family. I knew they were already getting enough candy. I took pity on the Moms and Dads and didn’t add to the sugar-high. But I couldn’t have nothing either. So I had a cart full of cheap toys. And in aisle 3, I met up with my Zumba teacher. And she said,

“Buying gifts for the grandchildren?”

Now the fact that I am old enough to be a grandmother (my sister has four) is beside the point. I decided last year that I would be 46 instead of 62. Doesn’t Zumba-girl notice how I waggle my butt to Shakira?  That I have cool pants and blond hair? That I wear my eye-makeup and lipgloss to class? That I check my cell-phone before we start? That I haven’t fainted since week 2?  How could she assume that I am a grandmother?  Geez.

And that was only Zumba-annoyance number one.

At the gym this week, we Zumbaists were informed that the Saturday morning class was being replaced. The biggest determinant of whether you will stick with your exercise program is how much you like it. I have been practicing Yoga for eleven years, and I appreciate it a lot. But when I found Zumba, I knew I found the love of my life. I may feel serenity and accomplishment in Yoga; but I rarely smile in class. (well, maybe when someone farts in downward dog). But in Zumba, every time I watch myself in the mirror (which is constantly, of course), I am smiling. Big, goofy smiling.

And so what are they replacing my Saturday morning class with?

Boot camp.

What are the odds that boot camp will make me smile?

So I am even more annoyed.

There’s only one cure for that.

Shopping.

I decided to treat myself to a present from one of the pricey-pricey stores in the center of town. I live in Litchfield, Connecticut, which is a bit of a tourist destination. With a quaint Norman Rockwell green lined with artsy little shops whose duty it is to soak serve the tourists. And there are some choice choices. So I went into the best store in town. And the jeans were on sale! “50% off”, according to the sign! Oh boy! I was going to get some designer jeans with designer holes in the knees!  There was a pair in my size –  faded to almost white! I was so excited!  (see all the exclamation points???!!!!!) And I checked the tag. Regular retail price:  $565.00.

I drove to TJ Maxx. I tried on new fitness clothes. After all, I still have one smile-making Zumba class and my less-thrilling but nice Yoga.  I found some great capri fitness pants with a little gather at the shin. Cute cute.  And there was an adorable top to match. And it was sexy and TIGHT.

I am NOT a Grandma.

And then I couldn’t get it off. My shoulders were stuck. I almost had to walk out with the damn thing around my head and my boobs peeking out, and beg the number-ticket-lady to help me out of my sexy clothes.

Crap.

Maybe I should go back and buy some jeans.  I could borrow against my 401K.

stuckintheshirt.jpg

39 Comments

  1. Hilarious as always. But I’m not sure you’re actually allowed out without expensive jeans in Litchfield. Tres chic! (Such a beautiful place — I’m glad you are there. I think I’ve even been to your nursery!

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    • Is it a coincidence – or do you know that I work at the nursery?

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      • You work at White Flower Farm? I love that place. I fondle their catalogs all bloody winter! If you were a grandmother (and you don’t look like one) you would have had to have your kids at puberty!

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        • I’m the Controller at White Flower Farm. No reason to keep it a secret anymore since they all know about my blog anyway. And I’m 62, even though I say I’m 46 – so definitely grandma age, even if I had kids at 40!.

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          • What a perfect job! I couldn’t work there because I would owe them more money than they owed me! If you were a grandma at age 46 (let’s stay with the 46), you would be a very young cool one!

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      • I knew that you worked at one, but didn’t know where. I haven’t been there in 20 years though so we didn’t likely cross paths.

        It’s such a beautiful town/area. I miss the feel of the old houses and towns.

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        • Yes, I’m the Controller at White Flower Farm. My secret is out – and now I can’t make too much fun of work anymore. I can give up on the secret, because almost everyone there now knows I write a blog – and sometimes they even read it.

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          • When we lived in Simsbury (1989-95) we would go there periodically. It is a lovely nursery. You are lucky.

            Folks in my office read my blog — it just means I can’t let it show that I pay attention to it other than at lunch time. Not that I ever do …

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  2. You do NOT look like a grandma! Also, anyone who can do Zumba has to be young and lithe! Now on the other hand, I probably do resemble a grandma since the sales people always say, “Oh, my grandmother has one just like that and she loves it!” Grrrrr. You are sooooo funny and you are always “right on.”

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    • I worry more when someone tells me that their granddaughter would love my outfit.

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  3. I hate it when that happens. Not that it has happened to me. Well, there was that one time I got stuck in a sports bra…

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    • Yeah, this top had the built in sports bra…. I couldn’t get it off. Imagine trying when you are sweaty too…

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  4. I can definitely empathize with you…I am not a grandma nor do I see myself becoming one in the foreseeable future (what with today’s protection, and all),and yet I’m made to feel as if being a grandma is all that is left once a woman reaches a certain age! Lord, give me the strength to kick certain people in the teeth and the restraint not to do it! And I’m sure you look very cute in your new capris…

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    • The pants are adorable. The top I left behind in the store for the next unsuspecting customer.

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  5. I’ll be 47 in August, so, with some authority, I feel I can say you don’t appear “grandma” ish. And I mean that in all get out…

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    • aww…. get out! (Do people say it that way anymore?)

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      • It’s an indicator that you you avoided

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      • Only those who managed t o avoid the Valley Girl speak, which I’d a GOOD thing. 🙂

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  6. I’m not a grandmother either, and probably will never be. But my long time friend (TEN years YOUNGER than me) became a grandma last summer: the same month she turned 50.
    Smiling at the image of you being trapped in the outfit in the fitting room…

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  7. I know I’m supposed to have grand kids at my age, but I do not…so grandma envy is there when my sister talks about hers (she lives with me) until the little tyke comes for a visit overnight (he’s 3). Oh my, we all veg out and take naps after he leaves!! I’m happy to be the great auntie…you are so funny but its so true!! and what’s with all this power, boot camp, exercise until you drop classes..even at work, the gym is all geared to the twenty-something’s? I feel the “hey, what’s going on” (four non-blondes) song coming on!

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    • I think if they bring in the young, hot chicks, the GUYS are happy.

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  8. Boot camp sounds miserable. There’s something like a boot camp that happens next to the zumba room. People are grunting and yelling in pain…rarely smiling.

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  9. I’ll never be a Grandma. I was able to tease my baby sister when she became one but it was short lived as I realized she got the better end of the stick. I would love to Zumba around the room with a big smile on my face. These days I can barely walk around the room.
    Does spanx count? I got stuck in spanx once.

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  10. Boot camp?!? That just sucks. I’m a jock and I love doing muay thai, but if somebody made me go to a boot camp class, I’d probably kick the instructor in the head the first time they yelled at me.

    Music=good. Yelling=bad. Getting stuck in too-tight clothes in the dressing room=an urgent need to either kick something or eat vast quantities of ice cream. Or both.

    Sorry for your crappy week, but thanks for sharing it – you’re funny as all get-out! And I nearly snorted my tea at the mental image of somebody farting in downward dog.

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    • Downward Dog farts are fairly common. There is even a position in Yoga called “Wind Relieving Pose.” I only do that one at home.

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  11. I am 62 years old! I love Zumba 🙂 I hate bootcamp 😦 Great Post!!!! (notice all the exclamation points)

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  12. I am still chuckling at this. Me thinks that fitness clothing is coming with a bit too much spandex in it these days because I have also experienced being trapped in a top as you described. Fortunately or unfortunately as it turned out– I was in my own bathroom and had to be rescued by my guffawing husband. gaaaa!

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  13. Too bad about the Zumba class. Bootcamp classes can be tough but you will see results and not all instructors yell like drill sergeants. Of course, if you really like to dance, you can do what I do and take a tap class with middle schoolers. That’s a workout that will put a smile on your face!

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  14. i don’t know which is more scary – boot camp and the possibility that i might vomit or yoga and the probability of farting. thank you for making me laugh pretty hard today with this post.

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  15. Bootcamp and dying vs. Zumba? They have got to be kidding. Can you find another class?
    I almost wet myself when you mentioned being stuck in the cute top. Who designs these things?
    And NOOooo, you do NOT look like a grandmother.

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  16. I think my Wayward Dog should try Downward Dog since he is an expert at passing gas. I love your illustration! And I completely empathize. We were at lunch today with my daughter’s swim coach, and the waitress kept asking me to pass things down to “the young lady” (the coach, of course). I wish I had appreciated being called “young lady” a bit more a few years ago when I still qualified.

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  17. Laurie

    You buy Easter stuff for the nepotes? I used to but I haven’t in years. (Partly because the stores don’t carry cute irresistable things like they used to, partly because our mutual nepotes get so much stuff already, and also partly because we never got anything from grandparents, aunts or uncles at Easter. Our Easters were pretty minimal – a basket full of chocolate eggs, a chocolate rabbit and maybe a stuffed bunny.)

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    • I only buy for the kids because I will be seeing them… but trinkets only – an extremely small token of my affection.

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  18. doesn’t Superman say all get out? And hey, if you could get INTO those clothes, you must be one sexy muthafucka!

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  19. Hahaa this made me laugh out loud, especially the bit about getting stuck whilst trying things on! That has happened to me so many times and on occasion I’ve actually had to rip myself out of said item. And PS. My v cool mum ‘Zumba-tastic’ says “All get out” x

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