I Could Do That!
I received an interesting email yesterday. I believe it came from the same gentleman who needs me to help him get four million dollars out of Nigeria. Currently, he wants to employ my services to sue a client for breach of contract.
I want to do that. I want to sue someone. I want to defend someone. I want to prosecute someone. I want to be an attorney.
And I have the experience.
I’ve seen every one of the 456 episodes of “Law and Order” at least five times each – and that’s 2,280 episodes, not even counting all the S.V.U. and Criminal Intent episodes. And my overall legal education is even more vast – I go all the way back to “Perry Mason” in 1957. And then there’s “The Defenders,” “Arrest and Trial.” “Owen Marshall, Counselor-At-Law.” “The D.A.,” “Ally McBeal,” “The Practice,” “Boston Legal,” and “The Good Wife.” And a dozen other shows that I won’t even count, because I sometimes fell asleep watching them. But do you know how many hours of legal procedure I’ve absorbed?
You only need 90 hours of classes to graduate from law school. I’ve got 25 times that in Law & Order alone!
I could SO sue someone.
And I could be a doctor too! Why, a few years ago, my brother-in-law phoned to say he was on the floor with excruciating back pain. And I said, “Kidney Stone!” And I was right. Of course I was, thanks to: Ben Casey, Dr. Kildare, MASH, Medical Center, Northern Exposure, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, St. Elsewhere, ER, and House. Medical shows are extremely educational: My mother was a nurse in the newborn nursery, and one day many years ago she asked the doctor to come see a baby that had a rash. The doctor took a look, threw up his hands, and said, “Egad! It’s Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!” – which was the previous night’s mystery illness on Marcus Welby, M.D.
I could also be an Olympic judge. Or any judge, for that matter. I’m remarkably judgmental. But Figure Skating is my forte. I understand the balance between technical difficulty and artistry. Unlike my husband, who excels at judging the ability of costumes to ride up and reveal a good portion of ass, I know what a triple sow-cow is – although I admit that may not be the exact spelling.
Even though my background may be a bit more limited. I could also conduct an orchestra. I’ve watched the Boston Pops. I could wave a baton around in time to the music.
And I could write TV commercials. Have you any idea of how many I’ve seen? My parents bought their first TV in the late 40’s, and their most precious baby, the 1951 Sylvania, entered their lives the same year I did. I’ve done the math, I estimate that I have seen 1,839,600 commercials. I have the format down pretty well: Mom is smart, Kids are sassy, and Dad is a Doofuss.
Getting back to my first love, the practice of Law.
I only need to choose what type of attorney I want to be.
But on thorough reflection, I have concluded that TV lawyers are pretty much all the same. I have the potential to be extraordinary. I need to be more than a television lawyer. I need to be a movie lawyer.
I want to be as classy and honorable as Gregory Peck in “To Kill A Mockingbird.”
Or perhaps I can have the redemptive determination of Paul Newman in “The Verdict.”
Or the understated humorous logic of Spencer Tracy in “Inherit the Wind.”
But when all is said and done, I vote for DRAMA!
I want to be Al Pacino!
“YOU’RE OUTTA ORDER!!!! YOU’RE OUTTA ORDER!!!!