notquiteold

Nancy Roman

I Could Do That!

I received an interesting email yesterday. I believe it came from the same gentleman who needs me to help him get four million dollars out of Nigeria. Currently, he wants to employ my services to sue a client for breach of contract.

I say,

“Hell, yeah!”

I want to do that. I want to sue someone. I want to defend someone. I want to prosecute someone. I want to be an attorney.

And I have the experience.

I’ve seen every one of the 456 episodes of “Law and Order” at least five times each – and that’s 2,280 episodes, not even counting all the S.V.U. and Criminal Intent episodes.  And my overall legal education is even more vast – I go all the way back to “Perry Mason” in 1957. And then there’s “The Defenders,” “Arrest and Trial.” “Owen Marshall, Counselor-At-Law.” “The D.A.,” “Ally McBeal,” “The Practice,” “Boston Legal,” and “The Good Wife.”  And a dozen other shows that I won’t even count, because I sometimes fell asleep watching them. But do you know how many house of legal procedure I’ve absorbed?

You only need 90 hours of classes to graduate from law school. I’ve got 25 times that in Law & Order alone!

I could SO sue someone.

And I could be a doctor too!  Why, a few years ago, my brother-in-law phoned to say he was on the floor with excruciating back pain. And I said, “Kidney Stone!” And I was right. Of course I was, thanks to:  Ben Casey, Dr. Kildare, MASH, Medical Center, Northern Exposure, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, St. Elsewhere, ER, and House. Medical shows are extremely educational: My mother was a nurse in the newborn nursery, and one day many years ago she asked the doctor to come see a baby that had a rash. The doctor took a look, threw up his hands, and said, “Egad! It’s Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!” – which was the previous night’s mystery illness on Marcus Welby, M.D.

I could also be an Olympic judge. Or any judge, for that matter. I’m remarkably judgmental. But Figure Skating is my forte. I understand the balance between technical difficulty and artistry. Unlike my husband, who excels at judging the ability of costumes to ride up and reveal a good portion of ass, I know what a triple sow-cow is – although I admit that may not be the exact spelling.

Even though my background may be a bit more limited. I could also conduct an orchestra. I’ve watched the Boston Pops. I could wave a baton around in time to the music.

And I could write TV commercials. Have you any idea of how many I’ve seen? My parents bought their first TV in the late 40’s, and their most precious baby, the 1951 Sylvania, entered their lives the same year I did.  I’ve done the math, I estimate that I have seen 1,839,600 commercials. I have the format down pretty well:  Mom is smart, Kids are sassy, and Dad is a Doofuss.

Getting back to my first love, the practice of Law.

I only need to choose what type of attorney I want to be.

But on thorough reflection, I have concluded that TV lawyers are pretty much all the same.  I have the potential to be extraordinary. I need to be more than a television lawyer. I need to be a movie lawyer.

I want to be as classy and honorable as Gregory Peck in “To Kill A Mockingbird.”

Or perhaps I can have the redemptive determination of Paul Newman in “The Verdict.”

Or the understated humorous logic of Spencer Tracy in “Inherit the Wind.”

But when all is said and done, I vote for DRAMA!

I want to be Al Pacino!

“YOU’RE OUTTA ORDER!!!!  YOU’RE OUTTA  ORDER!!!!

 

 

 

23 Comments

  1. As a fake legal professional (as well as a fake medical professional — there is no end to my ability to fake it ) I want you to know that you have the skills to be in the legal profession. One thing I didn’t check: how many rows of teeth do you have?

    Like

    • I think when you practice law, you start to grow extra sets of teeth (among other things).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You seem very well educated to me. And you are very versatile! Lawyer, doctor, judge. You can do it all!

    I think you could make a diagnosis, sue yourself for malpractice, and sentence yourself to write humorous blog posts as punishment!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My mother used to laugh that the richest family in town had three sons – one was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and one was a mortician. She said there was no avoiding them.

      Like

  3. Go do it! Show the how’s it’s done. Try to update it to today’s formula If anyone can do it, YOU can. ❤ ❤ ❤ You are our pro.

    Like

    • How can anyone flunk the bar exam? We already know EVERYTHING there is, thanks to television and movies.

      Like

  4. Yeah, but have you seen ‘My Cousin Vinnie” as may times as I have and never the whole movie at one time? I have to piece it together! That takes smarts! Lol!

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  5. And Justice for All was as much a Pacino classic as Serpico imo.
    I got several ‘help me’ emails during my working life, but I think the best had a slightly different tilt saying I’d won half a Timeshare apartment in Spain. It was from a competition I hadn’t entered in a magazine I’d never heard of let alone read, and all I had to do to claim my prize was send my payment of £1600 for the other half.
    Having just got rid of a legitimate Timeshare (a long story) I didn’t bother!

    Like

    • Oh my, Serpico! I think I saw that movie five times the week it came out. I was in love. “The family crest is a sheepdog pissing into a gondola.”

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Dr. Kildare…..swoon……

    Like

  7. I could definitely be a police detective. I love police ‘procedurals’ and I (almost) ALWAYS solve the case and figure out ‘whodunnit’ long before the TV detectives do (which annoys my husband to no end!) HINT: if some seemingly unimportant character is shown more than once, s/he is the culprit!

    Like

    • Sometimes I just know by the actor. I will say to my husband, “That guy did it. He always plays the bad guy.”

      Like

  8. I am a lawyer, (I represent kids in court) I never watch the lawyer shows now. But I loved Gregory Peck in “To Kill a Mockingbird”, and that was why I became a defense lawyer. He and Perry Mason. I don’t remember seeing that Al Pacino scene before. But I know that I could have a lot of other careers, too. There are many days that I wish I was doing those other jobs.

    Like

    • It’s “And Justice For All” – way over the top, even for Pacino… but wonderful at the same time. So very Pacino.

      Like

  9. You could do it! I want to be your legal assistant. I am good at research and I can see myself as…what the hell is her name, oh well Pretty Woman played her.

    Like

  10. Hell, I”d hire ya! Let’s sue someone together!

    Like

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