notquiteold

Nancy Roman

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Driving home from the small town that is bigger than the small town we live in – which is sort of like going to the Big City for lunch – we passed a housefront. A housefront is like a storefront for someone running a business out of a house. There are lots of those where I live. Old Victorian houses or farmhouses that are now businesses.

But anyway, there was a sign in front of this housefront that read:

SIGNCHEESE

I jumped out of my seat. That’s figuratively, of course, not literally. And here’s another by-the-way: some idiots wise decision-makers at Webster Dictionary have chosen to add to the definition of “literally’ a second definition: “figuratively.”  So now “literally” means not only “literally” but also “not literally.” Well, let me just say that this literally makes my head explode.

But anyway (again), my seatbelt held me in, and I managed not to scream “Stop the car! Stop the car!”

But I totally wanted to.

Can you just imagine what’s inside that housefront? With cheese and hip hop and spiritual advice, I’m sure that my life would change. And to think that I usually feel that just cheese is enough.

But I’m glad now that we didn’t stop. Because I have found lately that real life usually does not match my sweet imagination (thank you, Paul Simon, for one of the truest lines in music).

Especially at The Huffington Post. I love Huffpost. Where else can I get in-depth reporting with the liberal slant that matches my own slanty self and at the same time watch videos of kittens being surprised by mirrors?

But the downside of Huffpost is that the headlines are SO MUCH BETTER than the stories. I have discovered that if I just read the headlines and skip the stories I enjoy myself oh so much more.

Last week, In a SINGLE DAY, The Huffington Post offered me the following entertainment:

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“MAN FOUND WITH 51 TURTLES BENEATH CLOTHING”

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“DONKEYS REUNITED AT POLISH ZOO AFTER SEX SCANDAL”

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“PRISONS ARE ADOPTING THE WAL-MART BUSINESS MODEL”

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“BODYBUILDING CHRISTIAN SWINGERS START SEX WEBSITE”

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“BASEBALL PLAYER’S HOMERUN TROT SHOWS WHAT TOUGHNESS REALLY MEANS”

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“BACTERIA PORTRAITS ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THEY SOUND”

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“WOMAN DROVE 12 BLOCKS WITH COP ON HER CAR”

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*PLANE MAKES UNSCHEDULED STOP DUE TO ALLEGED MASTURBATION”

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“WOMAN SPENDS A MONTH IN JAIL AFTER COPS MISTAKE SPAGHETTIOS FOR METH”

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and my very favorite of the week:

“DRUNK MOOSE TERRORIZING SWEDEN PROBABLY NOT EVEN DRUNK: SCIENTIST”

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Now why would I read the stories and jeopardize my sweet imagination?

But tomorrow I may stop for some hip hop spiritual advice. And cheese.

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30 Comments

  1. My husband saw the story about the spaghettio sauce/meth snafu. Yep..waiting for the lawsuit on that one!

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    • And I bet folks were thinking I made that up!

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      • We saw that headline too. Sometimes you have to wonder……… 🙂

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  2. That “literally” bit makes me feel like my head’s going to explode. Literally.

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    • My head literally exploded twice. Absolutely literally.

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  3. I would have stopped, totally I would have stopped.

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  4. Great post. Love the donkeys……..

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    • The donkeys must have been overjoyed that they could rise above the sex scandal.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re so right. I would have wanted a cheese that was singing hip hop hymns (nice alliteration there. ..). Pretty sure I would have been disappointed. 🙂

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    • This way I can just imagine… no disappointment.

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  6. Stopping would have been my only course of action. You have such will power.

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  7. Are you sure they didn’t mean “cheesy hip hop spiritual advice”? I totally would have wanted to check that out. LOVE the article headlines – wouldn’t it be great to be the person who gets to write them?

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    • The staff must write headlines while drinking wine.

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  8. Laughing and I haven’t even had a second cup of coffee. Must add ‘read Huffpost’ to my list. And I only have to read the headlines!

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    • You are much better off to only read the headlines. And watch the kitten videos, of course.

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  9. What I want to know is, in what order do they serve? Do they give spiritual advice while munching on cheese followed by a bit of hip hop? Or do you start with hip hop, & then based on your dance moves, they determine what kind of spiritual advice to deliver, giving you some cheese while you ponder their advice. Or do they start with cheese? So many questions!

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    • I like to think that your hip hop moves determines the spiritual advice – and of course also determines what kind of cheese you get.

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  10. If I were that moose, I would sue. Seems like someone taking full advantage of probable cause. If I were a moose, that’s what I would do.

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    • That moose has a good case. I’d be that moose’s lawyer for 30%.

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  11. I bet you would have stopped if your husband wasn’t in the car. Literally.

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  12. What a bad reputation to hang on a moose!

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  13. That is so funny that I literally smiled a little, then finished the post and left a comment.

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    • I literally cried with relief when I felt you smile.

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  14. There’s something wrong with those people at Webster.
    Great gathering of great headlines. I have the same opinion of Huff. Thanks for giving me several laughs this evening. Good stuff.

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  15. Laurie

    This won’t let me like but it will let me leave a comment. Like.

    Like

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