notquiteold

Nancy Roman

One Size Fits All

It’s no secret – (because I have no secrets – I’ve written 256 posts over the last two years; there is no detail of my life not in print)  – that I like big girl underpants.

High in the waist and low on the legs – the kind that make me look like I am in an early episode of Mad Men. The kind that make me want to explain to the cashier, “I’m buying them for my grandma.”

I’m all about Style. Fashion is my life – right after naps, anyway. A lot of people believe that fashion is superficial. And I’m one of those people. Superficial in that, if it’s not on the surface, it doesn’t have to be fashionable. I can wear comfy panties under skinny jeans – as long as they don’t show.

But I DO have one pair of sexy panties. I bought them when I first lost weight, thinking that it would be nice to have sexy underwear. The tags were still on them one year later, so I obviously liked the THOUGHT of sexy underwear more than the actual WEARING of sexy underwear.

photo (15)

But I did eventually wear my sexy panties.

Last month, I went shopping for a bathing suit. My husband really wanted me to buy a bikini. And I promised that I’d buy one. (I didn’t promise that I would wear one.)

And I couldn’t go shopping for a bikini in panties that could double as a parachute.

And besides, I was a little late in getting my laundry done.

I bought a bikini. (That still has the tags on. But when I wear it I’ll be sure to let you know.)

When I was undressing for bed that night, my husband noticed – oh yes he did – my underwear.

“Those are some sexy panties!” he said enthusiastically.

The next morning, when I came down for breakfast, he was still in a complimentary mood.

“You look great in those jeans,” he said. “What size are they?”

Yeah, that’s kind of a weird question, but my husband and I are so focused on healthy eating and weight loss, that it was not completely weird.

Until he wrote down my answer.

We’ve been married a long time. He has only ever written down my size at Christmas time.

And I knew. He was going to buy me panties – and not the kind I was wearing this morning.

When a man buys a woman underwear, you can be sure you are going to end up with a porn costume.

The best approach is the direct one. Subtlety and skimpy panties do not necessarily go together.

“Are you thinking that I should wear sexy underwear more often?”

“Yup. Every day. I’ll pick some out for you. Size four.”

Uh-oh.

How do you explain women’s clothing sizes to a man?

Men have two sizing methods: Inches (36 waist, 17 1/2 neck) or S,M,L XL.

But ladies’ stuff is different.

Yes, Women have S, M, L, XL.

But then we also have Misses (4, 6, 8,10,, etc.) or Juniors (5, 7, 9 11 etc.). And then there are Petites. And Womens.

And we have inches in bra sizes:  34, 36, 38.  We just complicate it a little more since we seem to have a lot more variation in cup size than men do in penis size. Whatever size it is, it seems to fit in their underpants okay.

And women’s jeans are sometimes sized by waist and length inches, like men’s jeans.  Only whoever is measuring the waist is using a really small tape.

But how do I explain underpants sizing?

“Ummm, just because my pants are size four, doesn’t mean my panties are size four.”

“Why not?”

“Well because most stores don’t even carry a size 4 – which would be teensy-weensy. Underpants are usually 5, 6, 7, 8.”

“So then a 5?”

“I’m more comfortable in a 6.”

“Are thongs supposed to be comfortable?”

teensy-weensy

teensy-weensy

42 Comments

  1. This would be hilarious — but it is waaaayyy beyond that. Because my nearly 22-year old son has a job at Victoria Secret this summer …

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    • Have you thought about moving away while he is at work?

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      • Waaaa? Your son, Elyse? Did I read that right?

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    • You have the coolest son ever! Either of mine would be beet red the entire summer and not from too much sun.

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      • He is in heaven (except he has too few hours). He has a paper due on gender equality next semester ….

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  2. TIA

    I have to admit, I love the granny panties as well. They bend and move s comfortably with your body:)

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    • My husband has gotten used to the grandma underwear look. I hope he stays used to it.

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  3. It’s been years since I could even think about a bikini or teeny tiny panties. Enjoy it while you can!

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    • At 62, I may only wear the bikini in the backyard. But what the hell – it will be a great blog post to wear it – once – to the beach.

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  4. Great piece! I still wear bikini underwear, just not the bathing suit of that ilk. But I have to say you are lucky that your husband notices. I could wear his saggy black jockey briefs and he wouldn’t notice…sigh. Maybe that’s a good thing, who knows. Thanks for sharing your excellent writing.

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    • Actually, not YOUR husband’s saggy briefs, but MY husband’s…
      You get the point.

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      • I am glad you are not in my husband’s saggy briefs.

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  5. SOS! LOL! I can’t breathe for laughing! I did find a little trick for Granny Panties though. I get these spandex kind that look little when off but “span” girth when on. They are still not too sexy though – just less magnificent when drying on a line. 🙂

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    • If I end up with sexy underwear, I will be sure to hang them on the line. It will enhance my reputation ever so much.

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      • Nothing like advertising your reputation on a clothesline! 🙂

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  6. Funny stuff!

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  7. HAHAHAHA! Let me know if thongs are comfortable!

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    • I have no experience in that regard – but let me hazard a guess: NO!!!!!!

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  8. women are SO scammed un underwear costs, i can get a 7 pack of undies for $7. decent quality. women seem to pay $40 for one pair that is never ‘quite right’
    i assume men design the underwear

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    • dragonhavn (@dragonhavn)

      I pay about that for a six pack at Wally World … 100% cotton … but not granny style … due to weight loss and living in a desert, bikini’s actually work better … even at my age. LOL

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  9. I haven’t stopped laughing since I read, “…And I couldn’t go shopping for a bikini in panties that could double as a parachute.”

    I like that you don’t beat around the bush, Nancy. That’s the best part and then it’s HOW you tell the stories you do. I’m with you. Lace makes me itchy. So…thongs actually have sizes? Ha-ha.

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  10. You are so right about a porn outfit. My ex’s best friend bought me a gift (I suppose it was a “joint” gift) of a red lace teddy with ruffles all over. I was appalled. It made me look like a hippo. I quietly exchanged it for something black and sleek and long! Good luck with the bikini. I don’t even want to shave the netherlands to wear those things anymore!

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  11. this post made me laugh out loud. I saw a gray-haired grandma looking lady at our pool the other day in a string bikini. I couldn’t decide if I was horrified or jealous. (i, of course, judged her looks immediately in my head. i try not to do that because lord knows i should NOT be judging ANYONE’s body shape, but it just happens.) she wasn’t “hot,” but I gotta hand it to her for wearing it and being proud. she had an hourglass, slightly flabby body and aside from the fact that she was pasty white – she looked better – in my mind – than a few of the much younger women i saw wearing bikinis. and just FYI – I have finally successfully merged my love of big girl panties and my unwillingness to give up the two piece: http://monica-adayinthelife.blogspot.com/2013/06/terrorized-by-four-year-old-or-hoarders.html

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  12. I hope you were able to convince him that thongs weren’t really underwear but actually just coloured dental floss.

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  13. I’m with you. Not in the size 4 department, noooo, far from that, but in the big-girl panties preference. I like all the nether bits tamed, trapped and covered…for their own good.

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  14. So hilarious.
    “panties that could double as a parachute” Oh, the imagery – and truth. And that final line: a universal truth or great mystery of the universe?

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    • Even the thongs I wear on my feet aren’t that comfortable. I don’t like the feel of stuff in any of my “spaces”.

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  15. Anyone who says thongs are comfortable has been brainwashed or hypnotized or rendered mute while her husband talks for her. I like the sound of your parachutes.

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  16. Wear the bikini. I’m older than you and went through a similar transition, and I have three, and I WEAR them. Helen Mirren is my age and my role model–google the picture of her in a bikini.

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  17. I refuse to wear a swimsuit bikini, but I honestly prefer thong underwear. I thought I would hate them until I tried them a few years ago, but now I feel lumpy any time I wear briefs. I think it’s sweet he wants to buy you some!

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  18. Your husband is the best. I was giggling all the way through this until I got to that part then I just said “awwww”.

    Try boy shorts, they are a in-between and very cute! A compromise you might both like.

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  19. dragonhavn (@dragonhavn)

    Personally, thong underwear: no. My eldest daughter wouldn’t be caught dead in anything else … or alive for that matter. Says they’re incredibly comfortable. ::shrug:: I think any man who wants to purchase sexy undies for his lady who is just about any age or shape, deserves a reward for the compliment he is paying the woman he loves. Sexy is in the eyes of the beholder. ::grin:: Great blog.

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  20. Waaaay too funny. I’m writing a novel–a romance with a 56-year-old widow who has not dated in eight years.. Just read the chapter to my writers group where she goes shopping for sexier underwear. Her sister advises her to get a couple of “tasteful thongs.” It was a fun chapter to write. Thanks for making me laugh. Again.

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  21. I love this post. Your writing style is easy to read and I love your sense of humor and honesty. It’s hard to find great bloggers… so I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. I look forward to reading more! -Bailey

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  22. The words “thong” and “comfortable” can’t possibly live in the same sentence! Great post as always 🙂

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