One Size Fits All
It’s no secret – (because I have no secrets – I’ve written 256 posts over the last two years; there is no detail of my life not in print) – that I like big girl underpants.
High in the waist and low on the legs – the kind that make me look like I am in an early episode of Mad Men. The kind that make me want to explain to the cashier, “I’m buying them for my grandma.”
I’m all about Style. Fashion is my life – right after naps, anyway. A lot of people believe that fashion is superficial. And I’m one of those people. Superficial in that, if it’s not on the surface, it doesn’t have to be fashionable. I can wear comfy panties under skinny jeans – as long as they don’t show.
But I DO have one pair of sexy panties. I bought them when I first lost weight, thinking that it would be nice to have sexy underwear. The tags were still on them one year later, so I obviously liked the THOUGHT of sexy underwear more than the actual WEARING of sexy underwear.
But I did eventually wear my sexy panties.
Last month, I went shopping for a bathing suit. My husband really wanted me to buy a bikini. And I promised that I’d buy one. (I didn’t promise that I would wear one.)
And I couldn’t go shopping for a bikini in panties that could double as a parachute.
And besides, I was a little late in getting my laundry done.
I bought a bikini. (That still has the tags on. But when I wear it I’ll be sure to let you know.)
When I was undressing for bed that night, my husband noticed – oh yes he did – my underwear.
“Those are some sexy panties!” he said enthusiastically.
The next morning, when I came down for breakfast, he was still in a complimentary mood.
“You look great in those jeans,” he said. “What size are they?”
Yeah, that’s kind of a weird question, but my husband and I are so focused on healthy eating and weight loss, that it was not completely weird.
Until he wrote down my answer.
We’ve been married a long time. He has only ever written down my size at Christmas time.
And I knew. He was going to buy me panties – and not the kind I was wearing this morning.
When a man buys a woman underwear, you can be sure you are going to end up with a porn costume.
The best approach is the direct one. Subtlety and skimpy panties do not necessarily go together.
“Are you thinking that I should wear sexy underwear more often?”
“Yup. Every day. I’ll pick some out for you. Size four.”
How do you explain women’s clothing sizes to a man?
Men have two sizing methods: Inches (36 waist, 17 1/2 neck) or S,M,L XL.
But ladies’ stuff is different.
Yes, Women have S, M, L, XL.
But then we also have Misses (4, 6, 8,10,, etc.) or Juniors (5, 7, 9 11 etc.). And then there are Petites. And Womens.
And we have inches in bra sizes: 34, 36, 38. We just complicate it a little more since we seem to have a lot more variation in cup size than men do in penis size. Whatever size it is, it seems to fit in their underpants okay.
And women’s jeans are sometimes sized by waist and length inches, like men’s jeans. Only whoever is measuring the waist is using a really small tape.
But how do I explain underpants sizing?
“Ummm, just because my pants are size four, doesn’t mean my panties are size four.”
“Well because most stores don’t even carry a size 4 – which would be teensy-weensy. Underpants are usually 5, 6, 7, 8.”
“So then a 5?”
“I’m more comfortable in a 6.”
“Are thongs supposed to be comfortable?”