notquiteold

Nancy Roman

I’m Goin’ Big

Every year for the last umpteen years, I make New Year’s Resolutions.

I keep them modest, so that they are achievable.  Pick up my shoes. Walk on my treadmill twice a week. Save a few dollars.

But even with very small goals, I don’t have much success.

So this year – as long as I haven’t got a prayer of keeping my New Year’s Resolutions anyway – I’m going big!

1. I’m going to run in the Boston Marathon.  Why not?  I’ll train by doing my 2.5 miles on the treadmill one click faster – 3.3 miles per hour instead of 3.2.  If I maintain that pace, I will finish in 7.93939 hours.  I figure I can slow down on the hills though. No need to go crazy. I’ll plan on 11.93939 hours. I just hope I can find a place to park the car in Boston.  And that someone will give me a lift back after I finish.

2. I’m going blond.  I’ve been blond before.  But upkeep can be a problem with dark roots.  Not any more.  My roots are white anyway, so maintenance should be a breeze.  So I’m going platinum. And long.

3. I’m going to wear sexy underwear. Sure, I like my big-girl cotton panties. And they’re so very comfortable. But it’s time to go to the lingerie department instead of hanes.com, and buy lacy skimpy underthings.  I read that once you are over fifty, you should only wear thongs on your feet. But what the hell. I’m going to buy bright purple and wear them under my white jeans.  So that you’ll know.

4. I’m going to be star.  I can be a pop star with a hit record. Katy Perry did it, and she can’t sing. Or I can be a Hollywood star, with leading roles in lots of movies. Adam Sandler did it – and he can’t act. Or I can go on “Dancing With the Stars”. I’m every bit as much of a not-a-star as all the other not-a-stars who’ve been contestants thus far.  And with my long platinum hair and my purple  thong underwear, I’m a shoe-in for the mirrored ball trophy.

5. I’m going to wear a lot more makeup. I’ve always loved makeup, and worn quite a bit. But all my products result in a very subtle effect. Pinkish blush, nude lipstick, a touch of mascara. For 2012 – I’m heading in the Tammy Faye direction. I’m going to wear false eyelashes. With sparkles. And I’ll have the full lips I’ve always wanted, because I’ll just draw a big mouth outside the lines of my real one.  Time for some drama. I’ve already started. I bought black eyeliner instead of my usual brown. Okay, I bought it by mistake, but the best changes are often accidents.

6. I’m going to be best friends with James Taylor. I’m halfway there already, because I love him very much. I just have to introduce myself and he’ll love me back. I have a very nice husband and JT has a very nice wife, so we’ll just be platonic friends. The four of us can go on vacation together. I never go on vacation, but this year we’ll all go to Tahiti. On a sailboat. James will pay.

7. I’m going to pick up my shoes.

Me 2012: Running the Boston Marathon, with blond hair, false eyelashes, lots of blush, and my purple panties peeking through. I can hardly wait.

35 Comments

  1. Here’s to all of our biggest and best resolutions and goals…and – of course – picking up our shoes….:-)! Wishing you a happy and creative and fulfilling new year!

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  2. Hey, if you’re going to dream, dream BIG! Just remember, all that make-up may shave some time off your marathon–eyelash wind resistance is a common problem not often talked about! 😉

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    • Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll coat them with vaseline and that will cut the wind resistance…and make them very shiny too!

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  3. Suzanne Tate

    As this is the first year that I finally decided to NOT bother with resolutions, I’m just going to sit back here and live vicariously through yours. Be sure to keep me posted. I have a lot at stake here. 🙂

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  4. pharphelonus

    Good luck with all that. LOL
    Happy New Year, Nancy

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  5. Donna Fortier

    Too funny!!!!!!!

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  6. Too cute. Love your illustration! Tell JT I said hello.

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  7. If you run the marathon like that, you will be guaranteed a spot on a reality show or possibly even your own. Happy New Year!

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  8. Maybe you could run the Boston Marathon while singing for all 26.2 miles…that would make you a star.

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    • JT can run alongside and accompany me on the guitar. We’ll sing “You’ve Got a Friend” and “Sweet Baby James” – he sings about Boston in that one.

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  9. RVingGirl

    as usual HILARIOUS and witty and clever and VERY ambitious of you.
    I must put my thinking cap on to come up with some good and impossible resolutions too.

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  10. I love your resolutions Nancy! Hope you don’t mind but I’m linking your blog to mine in my “favorites”. You are too funny not to share! Wishes to you for a fabulous New Year!

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  11. I love this! Why not go for it? FYI – I’ve discovered that Tammy Faye references don’t work with younger generations – but what do they know? I think I still have my “I ran into Tammy Faye at the mall” t-shirt somewhere…

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  12. Oooh, don’t forget the orange spray tan if you are going for that mirrored ball trophy!

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    • Oh, I have an orange colored pen too… I should have made me a lot oranger!

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  13. Doc

    I’m a bit concerned that you haven’t really thought this through. Running the Boston Marathon in a purple thong will certainly draw attention. But there is no mention of a bra! I’m not so sure that would be very healthy bouncing around like that for almost nine hours. Not healthy for any of us old men watching, if you catch my drift!

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  14. When I saw the title of this blog, I knew I needed a full cuppa before reading it. I just knew I’d want to savor it and I was right. I did think it was gonna be about “big hair” though. I didn’t know it was going to be so extensive!

    I’m a personal friend of JT’s. Well, my husband is, having once saved one of JT’s many children from having a suit of armor crash down on him. My John is a hero, and to this day JT’s family drinks a toast to us on New Year’s Eve. Cause that’s when John’s heroics occurred, when we stumbled onto a rehearsal of JT’s New Year’s Eve concert in Edinburgh Castle. It happened in 1997.

    The toast goes something like this: JT lifts his glass and says: “And here’s to that tall guy who kept you (whatever his name is) from knocking over all the knights in shining armor in Edinburgh Castle — he has no sense of fun but you are alive today.”

    So I’ll be happy to introduce you. Cause “I’ve got a friend.”

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    • Okay, and you can come to Tahiti with us … and what’s-his-name too.

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      • Do I have time for liposuction?

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  15. I wasn’t going to make a resolution this year but I have been totally inspired. So, my big resolution for 2012 is to be on the Queen’s next New Year’s Honour List for Services to Literature. Failing that, I would like to lose 5 pounds.

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    • I would totally go for the Queen’s honor list. Much easier than losing 5 pounds.

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  16. I really love your posts! Very humorous, and fabulous illustrations. Your list is great – and I will certainly admire you if you succeed in all of those things. Particularly in the shoe picking up!

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  17. Fabulous resolutions! I would go for them!

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  18. Such a fun post. You have set the bar high for the rest of us.

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  19. Now these are resolutions! Dream big, live large, have fun, enjoy the ride! Happy New Year, Nancy!

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  20. FINALLY — a list to embrace! With the Tammy Faye makeup, platinum hair, and Boston Marathon medal around your neck, you will be a wonder to behold. I think you should host the Oscars, while you’re at it. With Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper. Because, you know, why the hell not?

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  21. Great list. I think 8-9 hours of running is totally do-able. Wishing you the best on your year of dramatic changes!

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  22. I’m packing right now and will meet you in Tahiti. But I shan’t support this marathon business.

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  23. You go, girl! I’m planning to run the Boston Marathon 21 times this year. How’s that for a resolution?

    Mind you, it’ll only be a couple of miles at a time, and it’ll take me 8,760 hours… 🙂

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  24. Nancy, you’re going to hate me, but I just nominated you for a couple of those awards you are not too fond of. Had to. Please check out http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/01/02/the-envelope-please-part-ii/

    Oh, and you should read the text. Or look for your name, anyway!

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  25. I’ve heard blonds have more fun, but I think it’s a rumor started by Clairol. Picking up shoes, though…that’s going overboard. You’re setting the benchmark high for the rest of us.

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  26. Jackie Paulson

    Running the Boston Marathon UGH Good luck, me not motivated! I use to do hair for 20 years and you are right: blonds have more fun! Oh and Sexy underpants…LOL I am still LMAO…. You make me laugh THANKS ♥ Jackie stop by my photo’s youll love them.

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  27. You crack me up. I love motivation in action, especially on a treadmill: neither sleet nor rain etc.

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