I’m Goin’ Big
Every year for the last umpteen years, I make New Year’s Resolutions.
I keep them modest, so that they are achievable. Pick up my shoes. Walk on my treadmill twice a week. Save a few dollars.
But even with very small goals, I don’t have much success.
So this year – as long as I haven’t got a prayer of keeping my New Year’s Resolutions anyway – I’m going big!
1. I’m going to run in the Boston Marathon. Why not? I’ll train by doing my 2.5 miles on the treadmill one click faster – 3.3 miles per hour instead of 3.2. If I maintain that pace, I will finish in 7.93939 hours. I figure I can slow down on the hills though. No need to go crazy. I’ll plan on 11.93939 hours. I just hope I can find a place to park the car in Boston. And that someone will give me a lift back after I finish.
2. I’m going blond. I’ve been blond before. But upkeep can be a problem with dark roots. Not any more. My roots are white anyway, so maintenance should be a breeze. So I’m going platinum. And long.
3. I’m going to wear sexy underwear. Sure, I like my big-girl cotton panties. And they’re so very comfortable. But it’s time to go to the lingerie department instead of hanes.com, and buy lacy skimpy underthings. I read that once you are over fifty, you should only wear thongs on your feet. But what the hell. I’m going to buy bright purple and wear them under my white jeans. So that you’ll know.
4. I’m going to be star. I can be a pop star with a hit record. Katy Perry did it, and she can’t sing. Or I can be a Hollywood star, with leading roles in lots of movies. Adam Sandler did it – and he can’t act. Or I can go on “Dancing With the Stars”. I’m every bit as much of a not-a-star as all the other not-a-stars who’ve been contestants thus far. And with my long platinum hair and my purple thong underwear, I’m a shoe-in for the mirrored ball trophy.
5. I’m going to wear a lot more makeup. I’ve always loved makeup, and worn quite a bit. But all my products result in a very subtle effect. Pinkish blush, nude lipstick, a touch of mascara. For 2012 – I’m heading in the Tammy Faye direction. I’m going to wear false eyelashes. With sparkles. And I’ll have the full lips I’ve always wanted, because I’ll just draw a big mouth outside the lines of my real one. Time for some drama. I’ve already started. I bought black eyeliner instead of my usual brown. Okay, I bought it by mistake, but the best changes are often accidents.
6. I’m going to be best friends with James Taylor. I’m halfway there already, because I love him very much. I just have to introduce myself and he’ll love me back. I have a very nice husband and JT has a very nice wife, so we’ll just be platonic friends. The four of us can go on vacation together. I never go on vacation, but this year we’ll all go to Tahiti. On a sailboat. James will pay.
7. I’m going to pick up my shoes.