notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Spam-a-lot

I try not to remember George W. Bush. But I do remember that he liked to call himself “The Decider.”

I have my own “Decider”.  It’s my spam filter.

I’m not talking about my Blog spam filter.  That filter has yet to make a mistake.  Why just today, it blocked:

“This is pointless, why am I even reading it and not enjoying glutenfri gulrotkake? I should learn to spend my time better.”

I looked it up immediately, and it appears to be from someone who likes carrot cake a lot better than they like my husband. This could be my ex-sister-in-law. But I think it’s probably spam.

No, I am referring to my spam filter at the office.

It decides what I should read. It is a devious Decider.

One day it decides that I should not see the letter from our worker’s comp insurer. But a letter from an online popcorn vendor is okay.

The Decider has determined that the legislative updates that I pay for are not worth my time. (Umm, it’s correct, but that’s besides the point.)

And The Decider keeps sending me notices of job openings. In Michigan. And even though I slept through most of “2001-A Space Odyssey”, I know that it isn’t good when your computer wants you to apply for another job.

The Decider enjoys insulting me.

I’m the controller of a small, but well-known business. So The Decider has assumed that I am a man.

The Decider has decided that I must be in need of Viagra. It forwards all the emails it can find that start, “Dear Nancy”, and then recommends penis boosters. Of course, any man named Nancy probably needs some medicinal encouragement, so The Decider might think it is being sensitive. I suspect that The Decider has written some of these emails itself.

On Friday, The Decider tipped its hand. It revealed to me a disconcerting but unavoidable clue: The Decider has been reading my Blog!

Under the guise of “Give yourself the edge in your business deals” – The Decider sent me this:

The Decider has seen my Flexees drawing. (“Mentionables“). It’s offering me the executive version!

“For professional men on the go.”

And speaking of  “on the go”  – why doesn’t the men’s version have little hooks and eyes in the crotch (like my ‘shapewear’ does)? Now that’s a men’s room yoga position I would like to see!

22 Comments

  1. I do not know if I like your husband better than carrot cake, myself. Is he made with fresh carrots?

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  2. Very funny, Nancy!

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  3. That was awesome!

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  4. You made me laugh out loud, as usual. Your guilty secret is out. The Decider has spoken. You are a closet man. Have you told your husband yet? 🙂

    Don’t feel badly, though. When I was working as a network administrator/computer geek, the vendors apparently got together and decided a woman couldn’t possibly manage anything that complicated. So they renamed me Dave. For the last few years I held the position, all my correspondence came addressed to “Dave Henders”.

    Eh, whatever. It was okay. At least they didn’t try to sell me Viagra.

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    • That’s hysterical. When I was just starting my career, I worked with a lot of Southern engineers. Whenever I asked a question, their answer was always, “It’s complicated, honey.”

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  5. This has mad me think I might need to check my spam

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  6. RVingGirl

    You nailed it again, girl!

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  7. As usual you make me laugh so hard i nearly pee myself! I love your posts, but I might need to consider wearing depends when I read them ;P

    ~Anna

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    • You will probably get spam for Depends from now on, since the internet seems to “see all.”

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  8. Hysterical! Thanks for another great piece (and that is not code for “enhanced penis”).

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  9. Hilarious!!

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  10. Calling your Spam The Decider is priceless. It seems to have about as much sense as G.W. 😉

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  11. Dear Sir,

    I find your blog funnier than glutonfri gulrotkake.

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    • Thanks. Glutonfri anything is tasteless, and I can be tasteless too!

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  12. It looks like your Decider is as capable as the presidential one was 😉

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  13. Be careful, or this Decider may just start a war. Whether it is between you and your husband or you and your co-workers may just depend on whether you buy the Slim Ts or the Viagra!

    Great Post. Found in my GMail spam folder, where all my Word Press mail has been hiding for a month. My mystery is solved. Perhaps your office should use GMail!

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  14. I hate spam and I get a LOT!

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  15. Your email at work is way more interesting than mine.

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  16. Gotta laugh!!!…:-)!

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  17. Had a disturbing image of “The Decider” trying to hook up his shapeware but he couldn’t get his head out of his….oh never mind… 😉

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    • Now I have that image stuck in my head…gee, thanks!

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