How To Kick-Start Your Diet
My annual reminder. If I can do it, so can you! If you are overdue for a colonoscopy, please make your appointment today! It could truly save your life.
HOW TO KICK-START YOUR DIET
I did it!
The “Dreaded Colonoscopy.”
Only it wasn’t so dreaded. It was easy. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. (Literally “lemon squeezy.”)
The hardest part was the prep. Which really wasn’t as bad as I’d read. Hilarious Dave Barry warned that you may need a seatbelt for your toilet. I only needed to stay within twelve feet of mine — and some chafing cream.
So that wasn’t too horrible. What was awful was watching my husband eat all kinds of goodies. He made ham-and-pickle salad. I adore ham-and-pickle salad. In fact, it is right up there with lobster. But no. I ate green jello with a Dulcolax chaser. He had roasted almonds dusted with sea salt. I had a beef bullion cube. He had chocolate covered strawberries. I had lemony Drain-O.
I got up before dawn. That wasn’t too difficult because I was up every 18 minutes anyway.
The doctor’s orders said no make-up. That was bad news. But I have a lightly tinted moisturizer. Surely that would be okay. And my new blush is really sheer. But what if they couldn’t tell I was cyanotic because my blush looked so fresh and healthy? I took it off. (I left on my new concealer though — they don’t need my dark undereye circles to check my oxygen levels…)
And no contact lenses! No one has seen me in glasses since I had my gallbladder out. So here’s another medical establishment I can never frequent again.
We went to the Endoscopy Center as the sun was just coming up. Good thing Dunkin Donuts is open at that hour. Hubby needed a glazed donut. I needed the ladies’ room.
The nurse at the Center was very nice. She explained all about the procedure. She gave me a hospital gown in size XXXXXL. It fit pretty good.
She told me that when I woke up, I would be in the recovery room with other patients who had the same procedure. “You all have to let the air out,” she said, delicately describing the Farting Room. “It will be very musical. Just join the band.”
They gave me Propofol to knock me out. I was out for 20 minutes, and woke up as refreshed as if I had slept eight hours. And euphoric.
And my colon is perfect. “Absolutely perfect,” said the doctor. She gave me pictures. And you know what? My colon IS perfect. Just like my Grandma used to tell me when I was an eight-year-old ugly duckling — “I am pretty on the inside.” I won’t share those photos with you, but let me say that my colon is like a chain of rosebuds, delicately unfurling.
I felt so good, I went out to breakfast without make-up or contacts. And I even laughed when I farted as the waitress brought me my scrambled eggs and bacon. That Propofol is pretty damn good.
And I lost two pounds.
- Posted in: Humor
notquiteold 
I’m overdue for my first ever colonoscopy, need to make the call. Since it’s so easy peasy lemon squeezy what am I waiting for? Maybe this will nudge me to the phone. Thanks!
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Go for it. It’s inconvenient and annoying to fast for a day. But just one day. And you sleep through the whole procedure and wake up feeling wonderful (but farty). And it could save your life!
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I always understood that the bowel could hold about two pounds in weight. It was one of the reasons I always weighed myself in the morning after all ablutions had been done……. I needed all the help I could get! Glad you are healthy!!
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hahaha. We all do that!
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I’m with you, Nancy. I have the all-clear for ten years. Here’s hoping in the meantime that some genius out there can make the prep tastier/easier/shorter/unnecessary 🙂 We put people on the moon, drive cars that park themselves, and wear Google glasses, don’t we??? Good message in this post, yes, it can save your life. Toni
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Good point. We need a 15 minute cleanse!
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Such a giggle over your “I am pretty on the inside.” Something to brag about for sure
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My Grandma always said so; now I have pictures.
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As it turns out, Grandmothers are always right
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Thanks for helping to take the fear and ick-factor out of this important procedure. I hope it will prompt others to make an appointment. Lemony Drain-o… yum!
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The lemony draino is a little gross but not nearly as bad as I had feared.
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I took my brother to have his every-ten-year colonoscopy this past Tuesday. I refuse to tell you the story about how he didn’t make it to the toilet in the middle of the night. I WILL NOT GO THERE. I’m also on the 10 year plan so I won’t be losing any weight until 2024.
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There’s a lesson in that experience. Stay very very close to the bathroom.
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Good for you to remind folks. I have to do these annually (except I don’t do the prep — no additional help needed for me there, thank you very much) and the propofol is wonderful.
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I know someone else who has to do the yearly thing. She is so used to it, it doesn’t even faze her anymore. I made sure I scheduled my test for a Monday, so I could prep at home over the weekend. My friend just goes to the office and sticks with water all day.
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I love the “just join the band”! 🙂
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It was quite musical.
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You lost weight, you lucky lady? Quite some time ago, I dropped an eight-pound baby and lost like…three ounces. 😥
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I did my first two years ago, I found it just as you described. I am also perfect on the inside. Good you reminded all of us how important this is.
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I think there should be a beauty contests for colons, don’t you?
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No, not sure about that one. But at least there should be less ‘gross’ and more celebration that we do them and they aren’t terrible.
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Hilarious! The other way to jump-start your diet is to endure a bout of gastroenteritis. I literally had NO FOOD (just Pedialyte) for four days straight. I was so cleaned put, I actually asked my doctor if I could go ahead and have my colonoscopy right THEN. Unfortunately no.
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What a perfectly logical request.
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Yes, I certainly thought so! Congratulations on your adorable colon, BTW. But thank you ever so for not sharing the photos (!) xo
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