notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Examining Their Crazy Little Heads

I received an enticing offer from Groupon this week.

I actually received it twice. I guess because I bookmarked it, Groupon figured I must be really interested, so they reminded me the next day.

And I am VERY interested.

For $19.00 I can take an online animal psychology course. (A $175 Value!)

To quote the offer:

“Students work their way through 11 online modules that delve into the psychology behind the behavior of dogs, cats, and rabbits. They’ll learn how to relate to animals and how to resolve or reduce undesirable behaviors.”

These modules include:

3.5    The hidden language in dogs’ smells/urine/feces/sniffing
5.1    Rolling over and rolling in poo
5.7    Eating grass
8.1    Body language – tails, whiskers, eyes &
8.2    Ears, posture   (I can see how a separate module is needed for ears)
10.4  The impact of environmental stress
11.2  Rabbit noises

Now I don’t have a dog or a rabbit, but I’d definitely like to know more about rolling in poo and the interpretation of rabbit noises, so those modules are well worth it.  But I might skip 5.2 – Tummy tickles – as I know my already how my cats feel about that (Not Good). The dog module, Eating Grass, however, is applicable to all my cats.

I would also gladly pay double the $19 fee ($175 value!) if I could just skip the courses and have the cats directly take the course themselves. I don’t have Skype, but I would get that app immediately, if only I could sit the little buggers in front of the screen and have the pet shrink work directly with them, leaving me out of it completely.

Despite the many many years I have had cats sharing my address, I don’t speak cat. I have told Stewart 1,000 times not to eat grass, but he pays absolutely no attention. He appears to enjoy throwing up.

And I have already decided what I need the pet-shrink to tell them.

Lillian:  “We recognize that your mother was feral, and she told you in your first formative weeks that you should eat whenever you can, because you never know where your next meal will come from. However, You have lived with the Romans from the age of seven weeks. You are now five years old. So you have spent the vast majority of your life with people who feed you more than regularly. You DO know where your next meal is coming from. You do not need to eat your brother’s food too. And while we are discussing how long you have lived with the Romans – yes Mr. Roman is very sweet. But Mrs. Roman is NOT evil. She may vacuum, but she has never attacked you with the vacuum cleaner. In addition, her perfume is not evil. Her shoes are not evil.”

Stewart: “This is 2015. We are a tolerant society. No one cares that you are gay. The Romans love you anyway. Yes, you love to kiss Mr. Roman on the lips, and he accepts it even though he doesn’t particularly like it. Try not to surprise him with a wet kiss in the middle of the night. The Romans are glad you were there to be a mother to Lillian, since you sister Snickers was not interested. And they appreciate that you do not retaliate when Snickers smacks you in the eye as often as she can. You are a gentle guy, not a wimp, no matter what Snickers calls you. You do not have to prove your manhood. Please stop killing chipmunks.”

Snickers: “You have had an amazing, wonderful career as an aerialist. Everyone has been astounded by your ability to climb trees, ascend ladders, jump from porches to windows, hang out on rooftops. We know your tiny size makes you want to stand out. We get it. But you are now 18. It’s time to retire. It appears you understand that and we appreciate your quest for a new vocation. May we politely suggest something other than Opera?”

Groupon has my credit card.

I anxiously await the joy of well-adjusted pets.

eatingrass

28 Comments

  1. I would like a skunk psychology class,please. The most interesting groupon they have had in my area was for pole dancing lessons. I wish I was joking.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, I’ve had pole dancing offers too. I might consider it, if only the pets would behave.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Please do share your results should you partake in this informative class. I am especially interested in the poo one, too….

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do hope it is not a superficial overview of poo. It deserves to be deeply explored.

      Like

  3. Our neighbor cat, Baby Girl, is a Certified Life Coach who has provided questionable advice to my gay brother Steve. I’d stick with the Groupon classes 🙂 In fact, I may look into these myself. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Snickers has tried the Life Coach route. But she would not make lists nor do her homework, and the Life Coach walked out.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh I think I have a cat they would like to talk to as well. Do you need someone to split the cost. One of our cats seems quite like Lillian, although Lucy’s “mo” is to attack me when I’m cleaning the cat box. I seriously think she has ulterior ideas for her deposits. She probably wants to frame our other cat, Oscar. Great story. Please keep us informed on your progress. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some cats will just never take responsibility for their own poo.

      Like

  5. Just like people, when it comes to pets I don’t think there really is a “well adjusted.” Save your money. The cats will become well adjusted when you do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You must have been speaking with Lillian. She always blames me for her issues.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have a cat and a dog. I blame me for their issues.

        Like

  6. I have never had trouble with cats in over 30 years. I fell in love with Dickens. He got under my skin. He d.o.e.s. love me (or maybe he’s using me). No cat of mine has climbed my kitchen counters after I sprayed him / her five times with the water bottle. With Dickens, it’s been at least 100 times in two months. He’s fed. He’s watered. He gets to sit on my lap. Do I now need to take a class to sort him out? If you take the class, maybe you will share?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dickins appears to like a sudden shower.

      Like

      • Not sure about t.h.a.t. He’s the sweetest cat. Just bad, or, he can’t help himself because my kitchen smells so good. 😀

        Like

  7. Perhaps you could help us figure out why Sundae insists on biting us….yes, the hands that feed her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Years ago our neighbors had a cat that used to come over to our house for a second breakfast. Oliver was lovable and sweet – and then he’d nip us. When we mentioned that to the neighbor she said, “Oh yeah, he’s a biter.” Just a fact.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Ooo… if you do take any of these, please share what you learned in the rolling in poo module. It’s no coincidence I call our dog Snoopy Poopy Poopy Headed Poop Roller.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh dear… Is he required to shower before re-entering the house?

      Like

      • She’s a she. Not very ladylike I must say. It’s the backyard hose, baby! 🙂 She hasn’t rolled in poop in quite a while. I shouldn’t have said that, I’ve probably jinxed everything.

        Like

        • It’s funny how I automatically assumed that rolling in poop was a boy thing.

          Like

  9. I generally ‘get’ my cats and their behaviour (its either driven by “Look/pat at me” or ‘Don’t look at/touch me”). However, I wouldn’t mind a $19 course on understanding my husband (hmmmmm … now that I think about it, the animal psychology course might do the trick there as well).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Here might be some correlation in the whiskers and tummy tickling module. Does he make rabbit noises? Roll in poo?

      Like

      • He twitches his whiskers like a rabbit sometimes and definitely does NOT like having his tummy tickled. Fortunately, he’s not ‘into’ poo, but the garage-y smells that emanate off him after a day ‘tinkering’ out there aren’t all that different.

        Like

  10. Christine

    The poop rolling thing is a throwback to when the animals had to hunt for a living. They are trying to mask their scent so the prey won’t know they are coming. Unfortunately, explaining to pets that they don’t have to hunt anymore has no effect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • With the cats, they are more likely to roll around in some dry dirt as soon as they bolt through the door.

      Like

  11. I would like to know your results please, if they are good I might try them. With two cats, a dog and a cockatoo I am thinking I could use the help all around.

    I never get good stuff.

    Like

    • Just today I have my choice of a trip to see the Rockettes or a package of toothbrushes. How can I miss?

      Like

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