Examining Their Crazy Little Heads
I received an enticing offer from Groupon this week.
I actually received it twice. I guess because I bookmarked it, Groupon figured I must be really interested, so they reminded me the next day.
And I am VERY interested.
For $19.00 I can take an online animal psychology course. (A $175 Value!)
To quote the offer:
“Students work their way through 11 online modules that delve into the psychology behind the behavior of dogs, cats, and rabbits. They’ll learn how to relate to animals and how to resolve or reduce undesirable behaviors.”
These modules include:
3.5 The hidden language in dogs’ smells/urine/feces/sniffing
5.1 Rolling over and rolling in poo
5.7 Eating grass
8.1 Body language – tails, whiskers, eyes &
8.2 Ears, posture (I can see how a separate module is needed for ears)
10.4 The impact of environmental stress
11.2 Rabbit noises
Now I don’t have a dog or a rabbit, but I’d definitely like to know more about rolling in poo and the interpretation of rabbit noises, so those modules are well worth it. But I might skip 5.2 – Tummy tickles – as I know my already how my cats feel about that (Not Good). The dog module, Eating Grass, however, is applicable to all my cats.
I would also gladly pay double the $19 fee ($175 value!) if I could just skip the courses and have the cats directly take the course themselves. I don’t have Skype, but I would get that app immediately, if only I could sit the little buggers in front of the screen and have the pet shrink work directly with them, leaving me out of it completely.
Despite the many many years I have had cats sharing my address, I don’t speak cat. I have told Stewart 1,000 times not to eat grass, but he pays absolutely no attention. He appears to enjoy throwing up.
And I have already decided what I need the pet-shrink to tell them.
Lillian: “We recognize that your mother was feral, and she told you in your first formative weeks that you should eat whenever you can, because you never know where your next meal will come from. However, You have lived with the Romans from the age of seven weeks. You are now five years old. So you have spent the vast majority of your life with people who feed you more than regularly. You DO know where your next meal is coming from. You do not need to eat your brother’s food too. And while we are discussing how long you have lived with the Romans – yes Mr. Roman is very sweet. But Mrs. Roman is NOT evil. She may vacuum, but she has never attacked you with the vacuum cleaner. In addition, her perfume is not evil. Her shoes are not evil.”
Stewart: “This is 2015. We are a tolerant society. No one cares that you are gay. The Romans love you anyway. Yes, you love to kiss Mr. Roman on the lips, and he accepts it even though he doesn’t particularly like it. Try not to surprise him with a wet kiss in the middle of the night. The Romans are glad you were there to be a mother to Lillian, since you sister Snickers was not interested. And they appreciate that you do not retaliate when Snickers smacks you in the eye as often as she can. You are a gentle guy, not a wimp, no matter what Snickers calls you. You do not have to prove your manhood. Please stop killing chipmunks.”
Snickers: “You have had an amazing, wonderful career as an aerialist. Everyone has been astounded by your ability to climb trees, ascend ladders, jump from porches to windows, hang out on rooftops. We know your tiny size makes you want to stand out. We get it. But you are now 18. It’s time to retire. It appears you understand that and we appreciate your quest for a new vocation. May we politely suggest something other than Opera?”
Groupon has my credit card.
I anxiously await the joy of well-adjusted pets.