I’ve Changed My Mind
About eight years ago, my husband and I moved to the country.
Okay, not “country’ country. We’re one mile from the highway. But it’s a very second-rate highway.
And there’s a sheep farm down the road.
And watching those sheep, and driving around our little patch of rural Connecticut, I have been overcome with desire.
Desire to be a farmer.
And I am positive I would make an outstanding farmer.
Except for one thing.
It’s not the hours. Everyone talks about how you have to get up really early in the morning. But I have turned my cats from nocturnal creatures into dayturnal creatures. They sleep at night now and don’t get up at the crack of dawn. Well, Merlin gets up before dawn, but he is senile. And he’s only up between five and six a.m. He sleeps the other 23 hours. So he doesn’t count. The other cats sleep till seven. They just want to be like me. I am sure the cows would feel the same way.
And it’s not the manure. Shoveling shit is a natural part of life. And I babysat once for my nephew when he had diarrhea. No horse could be worse. Besides, this would be my husband’s job.
Not the aroma. I’ve notice with the neighbor’s sheep that they are not exactly sweet-smelling. But my neighbor is about ninety-five. He doesn’t understand that those sheep just need the right cologne. I recently received a sample of Isaac Mizrahi’s new scent, Fabulous. I think it would be perfect.
Not the field work either. Sure, I’ve seen “Places In The Heart.” But I won’t grow cotton. This is Connecticut. Just vegetables. Right now, I plant my couple of raised beds by hand. With a field, I’ll have a tractor. So…Piece of cake.
And I like weeding. It is a kind of meditation to me. And I can work on my tan at the same time.
The financial struggle doesn’t worry me either. I’ve worked in budgets and finance my whole career. I understand that you have to cover all your costs. My $19.95 cucumbers will be so worth it.
No. there is only one thing that keeps me from taking up farming.
Have you heard those animals?
They are screamers. And for no reason at all.
The llama dealer at the local country fair told us that llamas will scream to protect the other farm animals.
Chickens just like to hear themselves.
You may be thinking that I could move them further away from the house. But our neighbor 10 acres down the lane has chickens – and I can hear them right now. I might, however, re-train my chickens to just quiet down, just like I could train the cows to sleep late. I can shush with some authority. In college, I thought for a while I might make a good librarian.
But back to chickens. I just discovered something about chickens that is intolerable.
My neighbor gave us eighteen eggs last week. Farm fresh – laid that morning.
The eggs have disgusting stuff all over them.
“Don’t wash them until you are ready to eat them,” my neighbor said. “The coating is a natural protection”.
I scrubbed them with a brillo pad and dish soap. For like fifteen minutes.
And I am never touching chicken twat goo again.