Closet Miracles
God wants me to have lots and lots of clothes.
He has proven this to me repeatedly.
(I am tempted to say ‘She’ when I refer to God, especially as related to fashion. But I know better. I have been certain for a long time that God is male. How do I know? Periods. Let’s face it, if God were a woman, She would have come up with a more convenient fertility technique than menstrual cycles. Every month? For about forty years? Come on.)
Anyway, God wants to me have lots and lots of clothes.
There are the obvious reasons, of course:
– He gave me exquisite fashion sense, and an infallible talent for choosing just the right cami for the right cardigan.
– He gave me a nice-sized disposable income.
– He gave me a husband who built me a closet the size of Rhode Island. (This was reciprocal – he got a garage the size of Vermont.)
And just this week, God performed actual miracles as proof of His love.
His love of my wardrobe.
Over the past few months, I bought several new jeans, cardigans, and workout clothes, so my closet is a little tight. Even Rhode Island can get congested in high season.
(I also bought four new swimsuit pieces – two tankini tops and a panty bottom and a skirt bottom – but I am proud to report that they don’t take up quite as much room as I feared they would.)
So I decided it might be time for a “purge”. Yes it’s closet-cleaning time.
I took out two large garbage bags and started on the pants side of my closet.
And that’s when the miracles started happening.
Everything I tried on was fabulous.
Of course I know that if I bought it, it must have been wonderful at one time. But I was sure some things wouldn’t fit, and some things would be out-of-style, and some stuff just too worn out.
But it was all perfect.
Some pants that I thought would be too big fit well. This would have been disconcerting, except that the pants I thought would be too small also fit great.
And the dated wide-leg corduroys looked funky and cute.
I found elastic waist pants that would make good jammies now.
And ski pants that were so warm and comfy, they’d be perfect for the next time I got the flu.
And then the biggest miracle of all:
Two years ago I bought an amazing pair of gray jeans. I live in a touristy town in Connecticut, and I bought them in the shop where tourists buy stuff, not locals. Which means they were wildly expensive. (Because it is the duty of a “destination” locale to soak the intruders serve the wealthy visitors.) These jeans were the best jeans I have ever purchased. Perfect.
Until about two months later, when I got this big grease stain on the thigh. (I should not eat in expensive clothes. I know better. I didn’t eat one bite at my wedding.) I felt horrible. But these pants were so pricey…how could I just throw them away? So I hung them in the back of my closet.
And Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
I put on the pricey pants and there was no more grease stain. Anywhere. I searched the thigh where the stain had been. Then I searched the other thigh – just in case the stain had migrated over time. Stains can travel. I checked the seat. I turned on an extra light. These pants are perfect.
God healed the grease!
I had nothing to throw away.
My garbage bags are still empty.
And my closet is filled.
Just the way God wants it.
Worth Saving. They’ll be back in style real soon.
notquiteold 
Amen and hallelujah!!
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You have to love a closet miracle.
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Your posts are always so entertaining. I love the artwork. I had a pair of boots that had that same issue of grease on them. I left them in the closet for a couple of years and low and behold, the grease disappeared. Where the heck did it go? I couldn’t believe it, but was I ever glad that I did not get rid of them.
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Well, this all makes perfect sense to me. And also? I totally want to go shopping with you.
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Just did a similar closet purge, but with no miracles. But please say that if you did fill those “garbage bags” they were going to charity and not into the town dump?
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Oh yes, If I can ever bear to part with anything, it goes to a local church group.
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Next time your talking to him,,,could you please put in a good word for me,,thanks in advance 🙂
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Sure…do you have a really stubborn stain?
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Hee! Love your version of the loaves and fishes. It is not for us to question why. Wear and enjoy!
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you are hilarious – I think God wants you to have a good wardrobe too–it was a miracle
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Of course God wants me to have clothes. It’s why he gave me a body that begs to be covered up.
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ha ha or lol
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another reason to be a believer!!! and, also god wants us to have lots of clothes because he created the men (probably women?) who invented ELFA!!! this post just makes me want to shout, “I love GOD!”
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Oh, to have your powers of rationalization! They come in handy, not only for wardrobes, but for creative writers, too! (They help us with those annoying parts of stories which require us to write stuff that looks like we intentinally are asking our reading audience to “suspend their disbelief” — doncha think?) Funny post!
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In Texas, where I live, more people would probably say that Jesus did it.–But why quibble over details? (Love the clothes talk!)
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As someone said (Oprah? Buddha? Elmo?…not sure), everything happens for a reason.
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I love magic closets with magic clothes! Hilarious post! 🙂
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I love to shop my closet too!
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I’m with you on the God is a guy bit, because of periods. And then there is the saggy boob issue. Ahhhhh!
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My mother always said that the women in our family were hiding behind the barn when the boobs were being handed out.
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😀
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Love your miracle, but you know if you don’t purge you can’t buy more (just a thought). When I built my new closet with my new shoe, purse and hat shelves and racks it was one of my agreements with self, if there is no space I will not buy forcing a periodic purge. In this way I give to those in need, keep my closet always full and organized and allow myself regular shopping expeditions as well.
I look at it as a circle of life thing.
I loved this one.
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First of all, I agree with you on the gender of God argument. Secondly, I don’t see why you can’t have a Closet Guardian Angel since I, myself, have a Guardrail Guardian Angel. It seems perfectly reasonable to me.
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Very funny post! Thanks.
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Strut, girl! I do the same…but I am a Good WIll junkie…makes filling the fashion cavern quick and easy!
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DE-light-FUL. And you indeed experienced a miracle. I have no such miracle coming out of my closet. Lucky lady. You.
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