University of Jeans
Today, I present you with a combination Fashion Quiz and Expert (meaning me) Style Advice.
First, check out these two different styles of jeans:
Notice the Mom Jeans on the left. How they come up really high in the waist, and blossom out in a womanly way around the hips. They have a really long zipper, which can be a little unsightly when you sit. (You know what I mean.)
Now check out the Skinny Jeans. They are pretty straight up-and-down. No Bloom-Ass. They have a short zipper.They have a fairly low rise. (In Fashion-Talk, “Rise” means sort of the opposite.) They’re not like “Dancing-With-The-Stars-Low-Rise.” But your butt crack can be a little unsightly when you sit.
Now this is my body:
So here’s the quiz part:
Which style of jeans should I buy?
Why the skinny ones, of course.
Yeah, my body is the shape of the Mom jeans.
Mom jeans are not fashionable.
And here’s the Advice part.
Skinny jeans can fit unskinny ladies too.
When you put on skinny jeans that don’t come all the way up to your waist, you’re allowing room for your smooshy overflow to rise up a bit. This ‘Rise’ isn’t the fashion-definition kind. It’s the muffin top kind.
But you can hide muffin top.
All you need is a floaty top and (of course) a cardigan. And:
Right about now you might be asking: “But Nancy, if you are going to hide the top of your jeans anyway, then why not wear the comfortable Mom Jeans? They would probably look exactly the same.”
Well, that’s simple.
Because Mom Jeans are not fashionable.
Here’s a little extra fashion advice I stumbled upon by accident, but I thought I would throw it in as a bonus for sticking with me thus far.
For the above story, I considered three different ways of illustrating my body:
1. Lie down on a big piece of paper, and have my husband draw around me.
2. Use my imagination. (Which is the choice I made, because my imagination is much kinder than an outline.)
3. Go to the airport and ask for a printout of my body scan.
And in checking out the possibility of the third option, I happened upon the latest in airport attire, which I know you will want to run right out and buy before your next security scan: