notquiteold

Nancy Roman

What I Want To Share

I get a little sad sometimes, thinking about how most of my life is already behind me.

Maybe if I’m lucky I’ve got 30% left to live. And maybe only 20%. Maybe less.

I don’t have children. There will not be grandchildren or great-grandchildren. And yet I want to be remembered.

So I write. And I hope some – a few – of my words might last.

I have nieces and nephews. And grandnieces and nephews. They might remember me – their silly, vain, old Aunt Nancy.

I suppose the advantage to being old today is that I will die before the planet does. It may be a blessing that I have no grandchildren or great-grandchildren who will suffer as the planet deteriorates.

But I do love those nieces and nephews and their children. And their children’s children, even though I don’t know them yet. I love them already.

So this week is especially sad.

I want all those future children – the ones who might rememeber me and the ones who don’t – to see and hear and feel the wondrous things I had the privilege of experiencing while on this earth.

I wish for my great-great grandnephews and nieces:

The squawk of a seagull as it swoops along the shoreline

seagull.jpg

Warm summer mornings when the dew rises as steam off green blades of grass

Snow swirling in the streetlights in the middle of the night and in the morning, icicles so heavy the door won’t open.

icicles2

A little fox stopping by a puddle for a drink. Chipmunks stealing the strawberries. Deer at the birdfeeders.

little-deer-e1496613927175.jpg

Fields of daffodils at the end of April

daffodifield

Skies so blue that artists cry for the beauty and their ultimate inadequacy

Proud mamas and new babies

new baby lamb

The diligent superhero of an ant carrying a crumb three times its size.

The thick lush carpet of autumn leaves.

woods in fall

Hiding in the cool silence under the branches of an ancient weeping birch.

weeping beech

I will not be here.

I may not be remembered.

But it may be enough if our beautiful earth is still here.

51 Comments

  1. They will remember because you are a part of their lives. Your love of the world will be passed on. To me, to readers, to strangers. Just keep on living and loving as you have. They are lucky to have you as an aunt.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Helen

    Lovely post. I have the same feelings about the Earth as you and am glad I’m not a youngster anymore.

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    • Isn’t it sad though, that future generations may miss the natural joys we have seen.

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  3. I, too, worry about what faces the next generations. I have two sons and one granddaughter and I wonder what they will face as they reach our age. Hopefully the world will still contain many of the wonders you’ve shared today.

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    • I hope the future is kinder to the earth than we have been.

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      • That’s the number one thing we have to teach our children / grandchildren / nieces and nephews!

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  4. Nancy – I understand – I’m heading into that later third of life, no children 🙂
    And I write – because at last I’ve accepted that writing is my “thing” – my gift, my skill, my passion – call it what you will. There could be regrets – why didn’t I put more time into writing when I was younger – but I’m happy I’m doing it now.
    And like you – the earth is my love – and I cannot understand those who continue to treat it as an inexhaustable resource instead of our home. But I trust that this earth will endure – we have earthquakes here in NZ – she can shake us off anytime she likes 😉

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    • Maybe a word or two of us will be remembered… I like to think so. And I hope the this planet can withstand the worst of humanity.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Such beautiful moments to wish upon future generations.

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    • I hope the next generations have a beautiful earth to enjoy.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. We all want to be remembered that is normal, your nieces and nephews will remember you as my children, grandchildren and hopefully my nieces and nephews will remember me

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    • I’d love to think that someone will remember me… that I can leave some small mark. But perhaps it could be freeing to think that I will be gone without a trace – what freedom that could give me.

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  7. Pam

    Nancy, I think any loving person like you will be remembered. You are great at writing, which will leave something for your nieces and nephews ( and others) to remember you by. I have 2 children, but they both have decided not to have children, so that leaves me without any grandchildren. But I do have great nieces and nephews that I care about and consider them almost as good as grandchildren, although they live too far away for me to see them as much as I’d like. They know I love them, but I do wish I had grandchildren to carry on after I’m gone. It’s a way of living eternally, sort of, or as close as I’m gonna get to it. I just hope that I have at least made a positive impact on the world and served as a good example to the younger generation. And I know what you mean by hoping they will have this beautiful earth to enjoy as we have. I think things will turn around in 2020. They have to. Fingers crossed.

    It saddens me, too, to think that my time here is reaching the end. At my age (61), I consider myself to be at the beginning of winter. At least, it’s a beginning. Like you, I make a point of enjoying all the small simple pleasures in life. There is a lot of truth in the saying that when you get over the hill, you pick up speed. Time has never been this fleeting!

    I would love to get under that huge weeping birch tree. I LOVE big old trees!

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    • The thought that I will disappear without a trace frightens me a little. But maybe I should look at the freedom that could bring – I could live just as I please.
      That tree is at White Flower Farm in Connecticut. I worked there for 10 years, retiring last year. I loved standing under that tree – completely hidden.

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  8. Moving into our elder years can be daunting, especially as we witness relatives and friends passing away (sometimes younger than ourselves). Facing our mortality and deciding what is priority now, what kind of a legacy we want to leave, are the life tasks we are facing now….

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  9. Poignant. And your photos and thoughts are beautiful.

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    • Thanks Dianna – when I am feeling sad, I like to look at the photos of all the beautiful and simple things I have seen in my life. I know that your photographs are remarkable as well – the horses especially – what joy there is in preserving the beauty that we have seen!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I so agree. I too have no children, only nieces and nephews who vaguely do and their offspring of several generations who don’t, have any idea who I am or that I exist.
    I relish in simple pleasures like birdsong, animals raising their young, and the beauty of Nature from our days on the boat and river will always be with me.

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  11. Another aspect of 21st Century life that makes me sad is manufactured and Disneyfied leisure. I would so much rather explore a forest or wade in salty waves than stand in line at an amusement park. Just another side thought. I’m with you about legacy and about what future generations will inherit. I suppose that’s why I paint, but will future generations just pitch those canvases in the trash?

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    • If just one of my pieces of writing survive and maybe just one of your paintings – maybe it will be enough. We were here. We made a mark.

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  12. Susan

    You will be remembered, the same way we remember Gramma, Aunt Lil and Aunt Lora. I can be doing something and suddenly think – “Gee, I bet Aunt Lil would have like this,” Or, “I bet if Gramma were here, she would enjoy this with me” or “That sounds just like something my Aunt Lora would have said” Can’t tell you how many times I think these type of things, all because those 3 wonderful women were a part of my life. You will be that “wonderful woman” to all those generations of people. And if they are anything like us, the stories will be passed down ….

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    • I hope so Susan – even if they remember me as kind of crazy… at least they will remember me.

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      • Susan

        I remember Lil and Lora as “kind of crazy”, but it was the right kind of crazy. You’ll be the same way – so will I.

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  13. I can feel your sadness through you words Nancy & my heart goes out to you. The love you share with those in your life, whether they are our children, our spouses, our extended family, our friends or perhaps even those we barely know, are all part of the legacy we leave when we exit this world. I suspect you will have left your imprint on many.

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    • Just to be remembered in some small way. That will be enough.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Nice photos!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

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  16. bo

    Reblogged this on Bobbi's Blog.

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  17. As a rule I am not one who keeps photographs of loved ones on display. Not a one of my siblings, or even of my kids are on the wall. I have a large canvas of my dad and his two brothers in their WWII uniforms on the mantel at the moment as it is part of my summer/patriotic mantel decoration, but usually no family photos.

    The one exception is a favorite snapshot of my great aunt and her husband. For all intents and purposes, they were my grandparents, and I have many, many sweet and treasured memories of them. They didn’t have children of their own, so they had lots of time and love for me. My Aunt Ruth remembered my favorite foods, and taught me to embroider, and to shell peas while sitting on the porch swing, and helped me make a pot pourri in an old Prince Albert can from the tea roses in her yard with a sprinkle of cinnamon added. Uncle Ed was always smiling, and had a gentle way of teasing that made you feel special and never picked on. And together they set a wonderful example of what a loving marriage is (as I didn’t have the best example of that at home). I had two living grandmothers at the time, but due to age or temperament, they never lavished me with the love and life lessons the way my Aunt Ruth did.

    So, Nancy, just be the wonderful you that you are, and keep sharing with little people. They may not carry your genes, but they will carry a piece of you in their hearts forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love that these sweet people are remembered by you. Their lives mattered.

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  18. I love your pictures and words and I hope you share them with children and seniors, as well as your nieces and nephews. You can make a difference in your community by volunteering at the schools, library, churches and senior center and sharing your gifts. You will definitely be remembered and cherished for sharing your great gifts. I do it and I am certain I have made a difference in my community and I will be remembered.

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    • Thanks. I have just started to take an active role in my community, and it feels very good.

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  19. So poignant, so real, so uncomplicated, so appreciated. So lucky being part of a generation that has a ‘natural’ sense of appreciation and what to appreciate.

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    • Sometimes I look at a single tree and marvel at its magnificence. We are lucky that such beauty surrounds us.

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  20. wow, this is how i feel . That i will be the old aunt at my family event . The one without the date .. Dont dwell , i am just trying to find purpose beyond having my own family .

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    • I hope to feel at the end of my life that I made some small difference for having lived. That would be enough.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. You made me cry. This is so beautiful and so true. We must try our best to protect the Earth so that Life can carry on.

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    • I don’t really know how to protect the earth, but we all must try.

      Liked by 1 person

      • To live ecologically is the solution, I think. These days there are more and more people who realise the environmental disaster that people have caused and are trying to do something about it by changing the way they live.

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  22. I have felt this way recently, and just coming to terms with my past and learning to love myself at the age of 58. But if I can find that peace and self love for the next 10 or 20 years… I will be so grateful.

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  23. Nancy so beautiful. I started my first blog post today. I’m starting to embrace the time I’m given. Your pictures took me to a place of longing, a certain sadness, but yet such beauty. Thank you

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  24. Love those icicles; reminds me of my childhood: Dad had a cabin in the Sierra Nevada elev. approx. 5,200.

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  25. Wow this is a beautiful raw post. Thank you Nancy.

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  26. I worry too. But you will be remembered. Don’t you remember your old favorite relatives? I remember my Aunt Allie who was a hoot. And all the crazy aunts…

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