Nancy Roman

The Things My Things Need

I received an email from my favorite retailer the other day:

“Your Jeans Need This”

I naturally opened it right away. I was very anxious to know what my jeans needed. My jeans had not expressed any desires or dissatisfactions in quite some time. I was a conscience-stricken that my jeans might be reluctant to share their needs.

Had I failed my jeans? What could they need?  A Be-Dazzler, maybe?


This would be bad. I don’t want to disappoint my skinny jeans – they’ve been very kind to me this year. I couldn’t blame them if they wanted a bit of bling.

So I was relieved when I opened the email. A Blazer!  My jeans needed a blazer!  I could do that!


Perhaps not these colors.

But this email also opened up a new area of worry. I’ve been looking at all my things in a new light.

What other of my things might need things?

My towels, for instance. My towels might be weeping just a little because they don’t have gold initials embroidered on them.  Good thing they are towels, though, and can wipe away any tears.

monogram 2

Then there’s my answering machine. Now that I have considered it, I think my answering machine has been asking me for years for a good stop-watch.  Something so it can tell my callers:  “Your message is over twelve seconds. That means no one in this house will listen to it. Would you like to call back and try again?”


My hairbrush probably longs for a mother-of-pearl handle. After all, I have  makeup brush with a crystal handle. I don’t use it, of course. I mean, it has a crystal handle, for God’s sake. But it looks nice on my dresser, and I’m sure my hairbrush would like to lie around on my bureau, being pretty and lazy. Maybe it thinks a mother-of-pearl handle would be alluring enough to score a date with the lovely makeup brush – in a ‘dish-ran-away-with-the-spoon’ fairy-tale sort of way .


And then there are my bananas.  Bananas are sensitive souls. Look how easily they bruise. I know they just feel terrible lying amongst fruit that they are nothing like.  Bananas need to feel special. They need a special place that elevates them from the riff-raff of apples.


And finally there’s my purse.

What does my purse need?

It’s so obvious.

My purse needs a purse.


Purse Organizer. I really want one. My purse really wants one.


  1. So funny! I know what my purse needs – MONEY!!!


    • My purse has credit cards… and uses them liberally.


  2. My jeans need a bottom that won’t stretch the threads to the point of no return…


  3. i love this line of thinking. i *know* my hubby will, too. “the side table told me it needed a new lamp!” “my new bracelet needs earrings to go with it!” “my new pans from Costco said they miss that entire white dish set they used to share a shelf with, so now we BOTH want it!” this is brilliant! i can’t wait to tell him!


    • I understand the loneliness of the Costco pans. My clothes always miss the clothes that were on the rack next to them. I have to go back to the store to bring those friends home.


  4. My jeans need a smaller bottom to wrap themselves around. My husband would be down with that .


    • But then your smaller bottom would want smaller jeans, leaving your old jeans with no one to wrap around.


      • Then we’d need a support group for empty-nester jeans (or would that be empty bottomers?)


  5. Al

    The term “Pandora’s Box” comes quickly to mind. Poor hubby.


    • Oh, not really “poor hubby”. His tools always need more tools.Or tool stands. Or boxes to be kept in.


  6. My jeans are so out of luck then, because me and blazers just don’t mix.


    • I’m not exactly a blazer person either, but I will buy ONE – just to please my jeans.


  7. My jeans only need not to feel so streached. I do love what your jeans need though.


    • My skinny jeans could also use a little more material when I sit. The crack of my ass is getting cold with the change of season.


  8. I have a reputation for being a bit of a purse maniac. (I’m glad my sisters are not here to embelish). A few years ago one of my sisters gave me this purse with the purse organizer built in. How did I ever survive without this thing? I was in purse heaven. My other purses became neglected and I wore the organized purse out. It broke my heart. Then I got the, may I say brilliant, idea to cut out the organizing part and put it in my other purses as I used them. I am one happy purse person now! Of course I could have just bought the insert. You should buy it. You will love it.


    • I’m going to! Both my purse and I will be so happy.


  9. My jeans need a vacation, my favourite ones that is. Lately they’ve been working too hard keeping my put in them without popping at the seams.

    Once again a hilarious post, Nancy. So enjoyable to read. I giggled all the way through.


    • My jeans are so spoiled now they refuse to get in the dryer. Line dry only thank you – or I lose an inch of length. Every time.


      • I don’t like to put my jean in the dryer either. 😀


        • there must be something wrong with my jeans … oh, wait,you said “skinny jeans”; mine are all boot cut .. LOL I’m not quite down to the skinny jean set Thanks for the laughs.


          • Skinny jeans are such divas. You get way more cooperation from laid-back boot cuts.


          • 😀


  10. My garage needs a new Mercedes.


    • Oh my…. I don’t want your garage talking to my garage.


  11. There are so many needful things! I like this reason to shop but only thought that there were things I needed. Now I will look at shopping in a whole new way. My jeans have a nice blue blazer but perhaps they want a choice. Your funny post is one that we can all relate to very well! And shopping online is so easy.


    • Your jeans will be much happier with a choice.


  12. Gre-e-e-e-at. It’s not enough that I have to worry about how I’m messing up with all the people in my life, now I’m letting down the contents of my closet. Just great.


  13. Laurie

    Loved the entry but I am also enjoying the comments. What happens when garages talk to one another? My things need cleaning and sorting and being put away – they are tired of hanging out on the floor and they complain bitterly to each other of their poor fortune in belonging to a slob


    • They might enjoy the fact that they are not put away in a dark scary closet….


      • Laurie

        That is one way of looking at it…:)


  14. My jeans need friend jeans so they can have a day off of me once in a while. 🙂


  15. I moved to the country to live a “simpler” life. Was I ever mistaken: instead of one humble lawnmower, we now have two (one can handle grass that is waist high, the other can’t); a weed whacker, and the T-rex of lawnmowers, the bush hog (attached to the big tractor). One thing leads to the next, one thing “needs” another…. stuff management has become an even bigger part of my life. Oh, suburbia, I almost miss you….


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