notquiteold

Nancy Roman

Peau De Quoi?

I am more than willing to try anything that will make me look younger. I will stand in line. I will pay pretty big bucks.

But – although I am often a beauty-fool – there is a little tiny piece of my brain (located right near the place that makes me wash the plastic forks) that refuses to completely flush my money away.

I won’t  – for example – pay $20.00 for this:

Eyebrow Stencils

Eyebrow Stencils

Or $19.50  to hydrate my thirsty skin:

Evian Water Spray

Evian Water Spray

Yeah, I won’t spring for a spritz of French water to fake a perspiration glow, although I admit that I pay an obscene price for French skin cream. Years ago, I used to go to Paris on business, and those French ladies had very nice skin. And I’m part French (French-Canadian, but it counts because my maiden name has a very cute accent aigu).

Skin is important. I have some everywhere.

As a teenager, I was a Noxzema girl. I can’t for the life of me now figure out what was so appealing about smelling like Vicks VapoRub. But it was medicated.  That must mean it really works, right?

Noxema

Noxzema

Since those mentholated years, I’ve skin-tested about every soap and moisturizer ever introduced.  Most are interchangeable, although once in a while I’m surprised by astoundingly colorful hives.

So I’ve gone on sprees from ‘Oil of  Olay’ (which come from the Olay plant I guess; or perhaps an Olay fish) to ‘Oil of Crisco’ (it helps you float) to ‘Oil of Expensivo’ – the last of which is my current favorite  – pricey French stuff, which I use with an appetizer of vitamin C oil.  But well worth the mucho francs (or beaucoup dinero or something – I’m only half French) because I have forty-five year old skin on my sixty-one-year-old skull.

But then there’s the rest of my skin.

I’ve got quite a lot of it in other places, and it would be nice if it matched my youngish face. But due to the significant acreage, I can’t use my French stuff (that comes in 1.3 oz tubes). I need shit that I can slather on.  The kind that goes for $4.99 for the economy size. The kind that comes in a plastic bottle that can double as a weapon, or break your toe, if you happen to drop it. (Don’t ask – let’s just say it makes your hands slippery.)

But this means that I have a Parisienne face and a Walmart body.

Until now.

I’ve just learned of a new product and will keep my skin silky smooth:

moistjeans

Unbelievable!  Jeans infused with moisturizer!  What a breakthrough!

And you have a choice of three lotions:  Aloe Vera, Olive Extract, or a special secret formula called Smooth Legs. (I suspect that last one may contain Oil of Crisco.)

I have a little issue though. Paying $149.09  (not sure what the $.09 is for, but I price products for a living, and so I’m sure it’s really vital) is a bit more than my $4.99 cream (and I sometimes have a coupon). And I would need to wear these jeans every day, because I can’t be dry and scratchy six out of seven the other days.

So I need seven pairs.

And then of course there’s the little problem of the secret stuff wearing off.  The moisturizer wears out after fifteen wears, and quicker if you wash them – which they recommend you do “sparingly”.

But hey, no problemo!  They sell a spray to re-infuse your moist-jeans, in the three original  flavors  formulas.

So I’m all set on the bottom half of my body.

For the top half, I figure I can moist-spray all my clothes.  Voila! (That’s real French!)

Of course, I can just buy the moist-spray (which they haven’t told anyone what it costs yet), and forget the $149.09 jeans.

Oh Wait!  (Eureka! – that’s Greek, I think, for Merde Alors!).  I can just slather on the el cheapo stuff from the six pound bottle, and put my clothes on OVER IT!

moistjeans.jpg

38 Comments

  1. Haha! I saw a news report about those jeans, and thought it would be a good blog topic, but you beat me to it. And you did a much better job than I would have! I LOVE the picture!

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    • I probably wasn’t the first… it’s crazy enough to attract all of us weird bloggers… go right ahead! Maybe you can wear them for a day and let us know if you feel sticky.

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      • Not for that kind of money. I’ll let someone else test them out! Now if they invent jeans I can wear on my face that will iron out the wrinkles, I might have to shell out the cash.

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  2. I must have them…one of my first blog posts was about caffeinated pants. Supposed to make you lose weight…I still use baby lotion (a holdover from when my boys were babies). Cheap and I love the smell.

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    • Baby lotion does smell wonderful. I think I will give it a try (instead of $149.09 jeans)

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      • And I’ve used baby oil to take off my eye makeup for the last 48 years. And I don’t have crows-feet.

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      • The caffeinated pants were much, much cheaper…

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  3. I saw a skin expert on The Talk, or a similar show, who said you should slather Vaseline all over your body and wrap yourself up in cellophane wrap. I think you have to be naked for this to work. She swore that the next morning, your entire body would be soft as a baby’s behind. Your sheets probably will be, too, as well as greasy, because there’s no way that wrap is going to stay one. Maybe Cling Wrap will, though.

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  4. I saw a skin expert on The Talk, or a similar show, who said you should slather Vaseline all over your body and wrap yourself up in cellophane wrap. I think you have to be naked for this to work. She swore that the next morning, your entire body would be soft as a baby’s behind. Your sheets probably will be, too, as well as greasy, because there’s no way that wrap is going to stay one. Maybe Cling Wrap will, though.

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    • I’ve heard of vaseline and gloves overnight.

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    • Very funny! How would anyone go to the bathroom without tripping and falling? Or even sleep for that matter. The only part that sould good about doing this is having someone else rub Vaseline all over my body.

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      • I would suggest that you cut out a drop-seat like they have in Dr. Denton pajamas.

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      • You must have a great body if you’d let somebody rub anything all over it. I’m jealous.

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        • No I do not. Just a loving, unjudgmental husband. 🙂

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          • Me, too–a loving, unjudgmental husband, not a perfect body, unless you consider a stomach that requires its own bra to be an asset. And I’m not even going to start on my ass…et.

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  5. I am part French too, because my last name is French, but I am pretty sure no one has spoken French in my family for generations (I am sure someone must have). When I read dictee words to my French immersion kids they pretended they did not understand me—kids are so cute.
    As for moisturizing–when my sister and I were little girls my mom made us put on Ponds cream–we always thought this was a hassle, but even today we have nice face skin and we are both in your age range.

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    • My mother has used Pond’s cold cream since I can remember. At 89 – still nice skin.

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  6. If I’m correct about my serious allergy, those pants would land me in the hospital! Fortunately they are too expensive (not to mention other factors, since you already did so to mirthful effect) to be appealing.

    It’s fun to laugh about this whole body moisturiazation dilemma instead of be headachey over it. Thank you. 🙂

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    • I just can’t understand why you would moisturize your clothes when you can moisturize your skin directly. And it certainly wouldn’t help your butt unless you went commando.

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  7. I’m thinking of just investing in a purse-sized atomizer and filling it with olive oil instead of springing for the pants. I’m sure I will be able to slide right into situations that might otherwise be too sticky for lil’ old me.

    I just noticed Noxema on the shelf in the grocery store yesterday and suddenly that smell was in my head for the rest of the day. I used it for years. Yuck!

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    • Isn’t it amazing? I haven’t used Noxzema in about 45 years… and I can still smell it in my brain.

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      • And it’s not the best scent memory, is it! Mmmmm au de Bengay!

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        • There’s an old joke that I heard in the nursery home where my father was a patient: An old man flirting with an old lady says, “I love your perfume.” And she says: “Thank you. It’s Ben-Gay.”

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          • !

            The “nursery” home? I think it is a better description of most of those places!

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          • Oops… Nursing Home. I work at a Nursery (the plant kind, not the baby kind) and my fingers type it automatically!

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          • Freudian slip, I think.

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  8. another great post!

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  9. No, I am thinking this is a ploy. It is really so you can buy a size smaller and just slick as snot pull them on.

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  10. I’ve often thought that women who wore those super skinny ‘jeggings’ must have slathered something on their legs before pulling them on; now I know it’s Crisco! I used Noxema religiously as a face wash when I was in my teens and early twenties and always got compliments on my complexion (at nearly 60, I have very few wrinkles); I don’t know why/when I stopped being a ‘Noxema girl’, but now I use St. Ives products almost exclusively. They’re inexpensive, effective, and the body creams come in various ‘flavours’ (what else do you call them?); the one with Vitamin E is good for apres-beach days. I stock up when the drugstore has them on for $4.00 each and since a bottle lasts way longer than 15 ‘wearings’ of a pair of jeans (and since I buy my jeans on sale, too) I figure I could get at least a dozen bottles to slather on under as many as five pairs of jeans for $149.09. You gotta wonder, “What’s next?”

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    • I love St. Ives Body Wash with sea salt. I feel well-scrubbed but not dried out.

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  11. Hmmm. I think I should’ve started with the face cream a lot earlier. And I have serious objections to having nicer skin on my butt than on my face, so I guess I’ll pass on the jeans. 🙂

    Oh, and somebody please feed that poor model a cheeseburger. Yikes.

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    • Model is Lizzie Jagger – daughter of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall.

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  12. Where do you find this stuff??
    And just how desperate do they think we all are?

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  13. Oh crumb. This is all too real for me and anyway, I think I need Depends now–YOUR fault, Nancy–well, maybe NOT…Ha ha.

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  14. “natural fading and whiskering” well, i always thought that was called fraying. it does sound like the lotion/cream/vaseline – glove thing (which i do and also do with my socks). i just can’t imagine walking around like that and wearing the things to bed sounds uncomfortable. so, i guess i’ll just stick with my body lotion.

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  15. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? This gives new legs to the old phrase, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” And that model looks like she ought to be hospitalized. I’m pretty sure she’s anorexic.

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