So this week’s beauty obsession is EYELASHES.
About ten days ago I was watching some interview with some football player and he had EYELASHES. This ridiculously large brute had the eyelashes I have longed for all my life.
They were long, dark, thick, curly – they actually threw shadows on his cheekbones – a la Hedy Lamarr:
How I loved Hedy Lamarr. Back in my college days, I spent many evenings at the University’s Film Society screenings. Nothing intrigued me like Hedy’s eyelash shadows.
When I got out of college, and got a job, and finally started dating (well actually I started dating about eight years after college, but who’s counting?), I decided that I would have eyelashes like Hedy’s. I went out and bought some.
Now this was when wigs were in style too. You could get a dynel wig at Sage-Allen for $19.95. And they were cute too,sort of like a cross between Jane Fonda in “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”
Yessiree…. cheap wigs were adorable. (if you could stand the infernal itchiness).
But I digress.
I think I will back up even more. To high school.
I was a junior in high school when Triggy was popular. She was skinny. I was skinny. I drew me some eyelashes right away. As a matter of fact, I became the go-to girl for painted-on eyelash instructions.
So let’s fast-forward to the seventies, when I was wearing my Phil Spector/Jame Fonda wig. I had given up on the drawn-on Twiggy lower lashes. But I still wanted the Hedy long top lashes making shadows on my imaginary cheekbones.
I had a little trouble with my $2.99 lashes though.
You may have noticed that eyelids are a little curvy, because you have an eyeball under there. But 1974 drugstore eyelashes were straight,. So they only stayed stuck on for about two hours, and then became odd centipedes hanging on the middle of my eyelids, while trying to escape on the ends.
Although I wasn’t dating much yet (and God only knows WHY) – I distinctly remember one nice man sitting across from me at dinner who didn’t seem to know where to look… at my caterpillar eyes or my real hair peeking out from the corner of my wig.
I gave up on false eyelashes after about six months, when I came home from another rare date wearing only one. (I wonder if my date squealed a bit when he found the other one somewhere on his body…)
Instead I invested heavily in mascara.
Over the years, mascara has greatly improved. Why, there are so many choices you know that one of them will certainly be perfect for you.
But there’s a couple of little problems with this theory:
1. They are all mascara. Except for some very minuscule tint and consistency differences, THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. Drug store brand, $60.00 luxury brand – they are the SAME.
2. They coat your own lashes with quick dry-paint. So the necessary ingredient is: Your Own Lashes. You’ve got to have some.
So if they are all the same, why would I agonize?
Because I need to coat my teeny tiny sparse lashes, and I am determined to coat each and every little hair.
But Oh, this was my lucky week, because Self.com has shown me where I have been going wrong. They sent me a fabulous article explaining the mystery of mascara.
It’s not the mascara.
It’s the wand!
The right wand makes ALL the Difference.
Here are just a few of the myriad of choices:
But like choosing the right mascara, there’s a couple of problems with choosing the right wand:
1. They still require your own lashes. (see above)
2. They look different, but THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.
So this week, after forty-seven years of two coats of hundreds of different mascaras applied with hundreds of different wands –
I have returned!
I went to the drugstore and bought a pair of false eyelashes! Prices have gone up since the seventies. I paid $5.95.
Then I went on youtube.com and watched a young woman apply her false eyelashes. I am not old enough to be this kid’s mother; I am old enough to be her grandmother. But she knew what she was doing and she reminded me of how I taught one of my mother’s friends how to draw on Twiggy lashes in 1968.
So all set!
False eyelashes are now curvy, so fit better. I still had a little trouble getting them on. The right one was a bit easier since my left eye wears the close-vision contact. Two attempts and I had long eyelashes on the right.
The left was tricky. My right contact lens is for far vision. And I couldn’t seem to judge where my real eyelashes really were. So my first attempt glued the lash a little high. I had a daddy-long-legs in my crease. And then when I peeled it off to try again, I twisted it and the glue stuck that way. Yes, indeed, I got my falsies in a twist. I sort of had a DNA helix.
I was able to peel it apart with tweezers. But then the new glue stuck to the old glue and I got glue on my fingertips, and the lash stuck really good on my thumb, which was like a cute little Senor Wences puppet, but I really wanted it on my eye.
I had to do some yoga breathing, and wipe my brow, so that I wasn’t sweating on my target. But I finally got it on. (my eye, not my thumb).
It didn’t quite match the right eye. The left lashes curled up, and the right lashes curled out. But it was close enough to leave the house.
Here’s the result:
Pretty nice, right?
And I got the eyelash shadows I always wanted.
They cast spidery shadows right in my line of vision.