Slimmer In Seconds
(A repeat from last year – now that Beach Season is here.)
My first trip to the beach this year was somewhat traumatic.
But my next trip is going to be perfect.
Because SELF.com just sent me the most fantastic beach tips: “How To Fake Slimmer In Seconds!”
And it’s so easy!
1. Break out the sparkly nail polish. Use a flesh tone though, because, like a neutral shoe, you look longer when you don’t break up your lines. Between my fingernails and toenails, I’m good for an inch and three-quarters of ‘longer’. Maybe even one and seven-eighths.
2. Play up good bones. Define your jaw with contouring cream. This slims your face and makes you look more angular. Since my face is as round as a cantaloupe, I am going to use this tip every day, not just at the beach.
3. Add some ‘brow pow’. (That’s a quote; and it’s clever.) Anyway, a strong brow make your face look more svelte. Yeah, svelte is SELF’s word too. Be careful, though. Even though they recommend a strong, thick brow, I’m pretty sure they meant two.
4. Highlight your hair. Dark hair throws ugly shadows and emphasize a full chin. (I sent an email right away to Penelope Cruz. I’m sure she’ll thank me for her thinner-looking chin once she goes blond.) And you should part your hair on the side. Everyone knows that an asymmetrical part is very slimming. I already part a little off-center. I just need to go deeper. Maybe as low as Donald Trump’s. That would be quite asymmetrical.
5. Emphasize your abs. This is genius. You buy foundation two shades darker than your skin, and saturate a makeup sponge. (SELF says ‘dribble’; but that’s just gross.) Then you suck in your abs and trace the outline. I’ve sucked in pretty good, but I still can’t see much. I’m not deterred, however. I can draw pretty well, and I have found a nice photo I can copy. It’s Matthew McConaughey.
6. Use shimmer. For this one you need iridescent eyelid primer. Perhaps the quart size. Smear this all over your collarbones to make them stand out. This technique makes your neck look long and slim. Then use more highlight to add a line down the center of your arms and legs. This will draw the eye to the bony parts of your limbs and away from the fleshy parts. I believe this is called the Halloween skeleton costume strategy.
And that’s all there is to it!