Style Rules (According To Me)
I have a few opinions.
Some who know me might be saying “No kidding” under their breaths.
That’s okay. I’m not hurt. They do know me. And they appreciate all my helpful advice. I’m quite sure.
So here’s some of my indubitable (I love that word – my maiden name is Dube) opinions on style and beauty:
1. Hair color.
Changing your color is wonderful. Mother Nature doesn’t always know best. However. One should keep one’s haircolor within the range of hues that are at least remotely possible for human beings. Not that purple bangs can’t be cute. It’s just that no matter how plain you may think you face is, you really want people to look at it when they are speaking to you. Not your cotton candy do.
(Or your boobs, for that matter. Try to limit your boobage overflow in public.)
The older I get, the more I recognize that eyebrows are an important part of that same face you want people to talk to. I realize that I am slightly obsessed with eyebrows, especially since mine seem to be disappearing – or perhaps migrating to other spots on my body, one hair at a time.
Eyebrows truly frame your face. They enhance your expression. Just look at this guy – his eyebrows convey such earnestness and melancholy.
Because eyebrows have the power to communicate so much, however, you need to be really careful about the message you are giving. Too close together can look kind of mean. Too far apart might make you look childish. Too much arch and you’re permanently surprised. And eyebrows can even make people trust you – or not.
How do you know how short you can go? And at what age? I think the big mistake made by style advisors is to talk about skirt length in the context of how many inches above the knee. They are measuring from the wrong direction. It doesn’t really matter how many inches above the knee… it matters how many inches below the crotch.
So I have worked out a little formula that calculates the exact skirt length for you:
Age x Height (inches) /500
Take me, for example: I’m 63 and 5’5″ (65 inches). Multiply the two numbers and you get 4,095. Divide by 500 (I don’t know why 500 works, but it does) and you get 8.19. That’s the length the inches – at the shortest – my skirt should be below my crotch.
Let’s take a younger, shorter person. Say she’s thirty and 5’2″. 30 times 62 divided by 500 = 3.72. A much shorter skirt than mine, but she’s half my age with shorter thighs anyway.
Try it for yourself. And then measure your most flattering short skirt. Aha! They really should give inseam measurements on skirts, just like pants. It would be so much easier.
One caveat: If you have a really droopy ass, you should probably add an inch or two, or measure from the droopiest part, as it may hang down significantly lower than your crotch.
Ditto for extra poufy asses.
4. Bathing Suits.
I have no formula for bathing suits. And I have no rules.
Wear whatever you want. Whatever feels good for you. A bikini if you want. A moomoo if you want.
I saw a meme recently that offered this advice:
How to get a bikini body:
Put a bikini on your body.
It’s the BEACH.
You are there to have fun. So have fun.
There are no rules.
Except for men.