Know-It-All
Being the Smartypants that I am, I can’t help offering my helpful help.
I have a vast amount of knowledge.
Okay.
A vast amount of opinions.
And I am just bursting to share them.
Some of my advice is based on actual experience. And some of my advice is based on no experience at all. I have never let ignorance hold me back from telling others what to do. After all, that’s how I became such a success in management.
So I’m ready to share some of my best advice.
(and I have tons of it… so this may be the first in a series of unsolicited advice.)
– If you run into casual acquaintances and they ask how you are: If you are great, say “Great!” If you are terrible, say “Pretty Good!” No one except your best friends or family need to hear about your real or imagined tribulations.
– On the other hand, make sure you have at least one sweet friend that you can totally bitch to.
– Spend more on your skincare products than on your makeup. You don’t need $45 eyeshadow. You need great skin.
– If you make a mistake, admit it. Admit it right away. And apologize. Take responsibility and SHOW that you feel bad. And then: Move On. Admit your mistake but don’t dwell on it.
– Buy only clothes that you love. Never shop by saying “good enough.” If you buy only stuff you love – even if it’s sweatpants – then you will always be wearing something you love. Just think of how that would improve your mood.
– As a corollary, even if you find something you love, also think about whether you would miss it if you passed it up. As a specific example, you (I) could (did) spend $700 on rhinestone eyeglasses. A gorgeous cashmere coat might make you (me) a teensy bit happier.
– If you have kids, don’t feel guilty about letting the television be your babysitter once in a while. Especially during the holidays. Linger over coffee with the other adults. Send the kids into the den to watch any old dumb TV show. They won’t be ruined.
– Eat healthy food. Most of the time. But if you are out to dinner at a great restaurant – order anything you want. Eat half.
– Make your bed. Do the dishes. Dust. It’s not that hard. You deserve to live in a nice clean home.
– Pamper your pets. They exist to love you. Love them back. Talk baby-talk to them.
– Sing in the car. When you are alone, but especially when you are not alone. When we were teens, my sister and I had a car that had no radio. We used to plan our “sets.” We sang everywhere we went. Getting there was as much fun as wherever we were going.
– Laugh. Laugh till you cry. Snort. See the silly side of things. It isn’t so terrible to wet your pants once in a while.
notquiteold 
I, too, dished out some unsolicited advice this week and had fun with it (but you are hands down funnier than me): http://beautyalongtheroad.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/everything-i-ever-needed-to-know-i-learned-on-the-beach/
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I’m already following much of that advice. When people used to ask me “how are you”? I used to give them my medical report but, my wife taught me that they don’t really want to know.
I’m going to post something funny tomorrow. I’m not telling you what it is. No!
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Yes, no one wants to know about your phlegm.
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Yes! Sing in the car! No! Don’t dust and clean! You deserve to sit on the couch and and play with your phone. If you are at a great restaurant eat as much as you want. Don’t eat more than you want.
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Yes you deserve to sit on the couch and play with your phone. AFTER you clean the house.
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On healthy eating I tend to argue because of course (I think) I know best what that means- and people tend to disbelieve. Hmpf.
Great post
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There is much disagreement on what is healthy food. Except for deep-fried twinkies. I think we all agree on that one.
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Great advice!
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I loved this! Especially the part about you and your sister singing in the car everywhere you went….and baby-talking to your pets.
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If you don’t talk baby-talk to your pet, you don’t have a pet. You have an animal living in your house.
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SO true! No danger of that around here!
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Some of the best advice I’ve ever read 🙂 “You don’t need $45 eye-shadow – you need great skin” – Amen Sister!
MJ
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I learned that on a business trip to Paris. But it took twenty years to sink in.
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Wonderful advice. Most of it most of us know. We just forget to apply it. Thanks for the reminders.
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I bet you didn’t know that it was okay to pee in your pants!
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Well, only in an emergency!
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All definitely worth more than 5 cents!
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Well, Lucy Van Pelt only charged 5 cents. And she was so much more famous than me.
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“It isn’t so terrible to wet your pants once in a while.” Love this but I would be careful only if I wasn’t carrying an extra pair in my designer purse.
This is wonderful, Nancy. You’ve outdone yourself. 😉
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Where do I send the check?
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I don’t think 5¢ is enough for these wise words of wisdom. This is a brilliant list. I will have to try harder at some of them. The one I preach about the most is the “take care of your skin”. My sisters often wish they had listened to me.
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I keep saying it to my hairdresser, who is addicted to tanning. She is always commenting on my nice complexion, but she keeps turning her hide to leather.
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I have a sister like that. She is the youngest of us all and looks the oldest. How can they not see it?
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I have a sister like that, too. She looks like a purse.
MJ
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I never thought of it that way before but you are right. Consider that purse line stolen.
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ha ha ha – steal away 🙂 MJ
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great list. i might add: talk baby talk to your pet and THEN have your pet answer you by talking FOR your pet. i do it all the time and besides making me laugh it drives my kids bananas and embarrasses the hell out of them. so, win, win.
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Oh yes, we always answer for our pets. We hold many conversations that way.
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