Doggy Bag
That instrument of scientific, well-documented information dissemination – the internet – tells me that Grapefruit is making a comeback.
I’m so glad. I like grapefruit, but I certainly wouldn’t eat grapefruit if it was out of fashion. It’s a good thing I didn’t know was out of fashion.
So I have been spared.
But you know what I wish would also make a comeback?
Fanny Packs.
Oh yes. I admit they are ugly and unflattering. And no one is more against ugly and unflattering than yours truly. Why, if I could run for Secretary For The Outlawing Of Unflattering — well, I definitely would.
However.
Do you know how much shit I have to carry with me when I take my dog Theo for a walk?
Our walks are usually about 1.5 miles. I live on a private road, so about half of the 1.5 miles is on our own property. But that leaves .75 miles in public. Sure, it may be on a road that never sees a car… but it could. A car could go by someday. And I’d be a lady with a fanny pack. I want to be a lady with a really cute dog. But the fanny pack would win out. That’s how I would be remembered.
Yesterday, this is what I had in my pockets on our walk:
Kleenex – 3 tissues. It’s very cold right now in Connecticut. My nose runs. I do not understand how you don’t see a lot more runny noses in wintertime movies. Did Julie Christie’s nose drip in Dr. Zhivago? Did Andie MacDowell wipe off liquid snot in Groundhog Day? No siree. They looked sexy and gorgeous out in the zero weather. My nose runs like the kitchen faucet in my first apartment.
Julie Christie in Dr.Zhivago. Why is her nose not dripping?
Pepper spray. As I said, I live on a private road. In the woods. There are bears. We had bears in our backyard just this Spring. We had a baby bear come up on our patio and press his little nose up against our patio door. Animal Control shot a bear in our brush pile two months ago. I need pepper spray for protection against the bears. Did I mention that there are bears?
Breath spray. My little doggy does not always behave. But I can’t exactly calm him down with pepper spray. That would be a tad harsh. However, when he is really out of control, a shot of breath spray in the air gets his attention just enough to stop him from chasing the squirrels – and dragging me along with him through dense shrubbery and low hanging branches. One of those squirrels could be a bear.
Treats. Because Theo is not always horrible on the leash. Only most of the time. So when he happens to be good, I like to reward him right away. Someday he may make the connection.
Clicker. I have a clicker thingy that the puppy kindergarten teacher recommended. I am supposed to use it when Theo is good. My second-grade nun had a clicker. She used it mostly when we were bad. I can’t figure out the use of it, but I carry it anyway. Theo ignores it, but who knows? Someday he may act like a little angel because he wants to hear the clicker.
Garage Door Opener. I have to be able to get back in. Quickly. Bears.
Chapstick. As wet as my nose is, the same can’t be said for my lips. And even though I apply it right before I leave the house, I might need some more. And it’s small. It doesn’t take much room in my pocket. And I like one with a blush of color. I have to match my rosy red cheeks. And rosy red nose.
Gloves. Not only because it is friggin’ freezing, which it is. But also so I can take yucky shit out of Theo’s mouth. He likes to pick up stuff from the side of the road. Old Dunkin Donut cups are especially desirable if you are a 7-month old puppy. But also cigarette butts and deer poop. Once even a dead mouse.
By the way, if you use a clicker when you are wearing gloves, it doesn’t make much of a sound. I am hoping maybe it makes a sound that only dogs can hear. But I keep taking my gloves on and off to use the clicker – and to wipe my nose – and the gloves going in and out of my pocket are way too much temptation for a doggy to bear. (Not bear in the scary animal sense, this time.) So I need to keep taking them out of the puppy’s mouth too.
Poop bag. Theo is a home pooper. By that, I mean he likes to poop within 8 feet of our door. Which makes for an easy clean-up. It would be an even easier clean-up if he liked to poop in the woods… but… bears shit in the woods. So, let’s keep it near the house, okay? I keep the pooper-scooper at the ready. But what if? What if we get to the public part of the walk and he decides to go again? What if he craps on someone’s lawn? Well, right now it would be crapping on someone’s snow – but that would be even MORE visible. They could be looking out the window, and see this runny-nosed, chapped-lipped lady with bulging pockets and her dog shitting on their pristine snow. So I bring a poop bag. I bring two. You never know.
Phone. Because I could break my leg when Theo is dragging me into the bushes to chase a squirrel. And because I need the pedometer app to know when we have gone .75 miles so I can turn around. And because you never can tell when he is going to be just so dog-gone cute.
Toys. Because Theo likes to pick up random stuff on our walks, I like to be able to substitute a toy for a dead mouse. He is partial to The Cat In The Hat, which now has only one arm. But Theo is quite accepting of Cat In The Hat’s disability.
I am glad that Theo likes his handicapped toy. Because it reminds me of one of my all-time favorite dogs.
I was in college. I always liked a window seat in class. It made for better day-dreaming in Elements of English Phonetics. (Yeah, I took that. A snooze-fest.) So a window seat was required.
So one glorious afternoon, I’m gazing out the window. I’m watching a dog chase the falling autumn leaves. He’s happy. Running in circles and barking at leaves seems to be a very nice dog occupation. Along comes a guy on crutches, leg in a big white cast. The dog runs up, tail wagging, and grabs the end of one crutch. It seems another favorite past-time for this doggy is tug-of-war. He’s pulling and jumping, and the poor dude is trying to balance on one leg, and desperately trying to get the dog to let go of the crutch. It is great fun – for the dog. I thought I might have to run from the classroom (I wish) and rescue the guy. But finally another student comes along and pulls the dog away and holds him while the crutches guy makes a getaway. I’m smiling.
Four minutes later. Along comes a blind girl with a cane. I’m not kidding. And I’m thinking, Oh NO! And sure enough, here comes Doggy, tail a-wagging. He grabs the cane and pulls and tugs, and the poor blind girl is wrestling and appears to be hollering for help. And eventually a couple of kids run over and save her. Doggy finally – and happily – goes trotting off.
I’m laughing now, as I was laughing then. That dog just wanted to play, and he was one lucky dog. He found TWO people in a row with STICKS!
Theo with his beloved Cat In The Hat
notquiteold 
I’m laughing out loud right now, even as my Katie (sheltie) is barking at nothing at all in the back yard. I take a fannypack with me when we go on her walks. I don’t have ALL the stuff you have, but quite a it of it. She doesn’t care if I look fashionable. I guess I gave it up myself. PS: I love grapefruit.
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I’ve seen a couple of better looking fanny packs for sale… I may just spring for one.
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thank you, I laughed and laughed, is it rude to laugh at people with crutches and walking canes wresting with dogs I wonder?? if it is it has no business being so funny 🙂
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You can’t deny how funny it is, no matter how politically correct you want to be. Especially when it happens twice in a row!
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OMG! You had the best seat in the house in that classroom. I am laughing out loud and I wasn’t even there. When I was in law school, I loved to sit by the floor-to-ceiling (one-way) window and watch people get chased by the vicious squirrels on campus. I guess its absurdist comedy, but it sure is funny! PS I never gave up fanny packs because I still think they were the best invention.
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Vicious Squirrels! I love it!
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Well this is the first article I read today and what a read! Another hilarious compilation of everyday events 🙂
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Thanks… Glad you like my meandering.
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What a sense of humor! And how observant. I’m glad I’m following you.
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Thanks! I’m glad your here too!
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Priceless ! Just love it !
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This was hilarious! Good job! I took a fanny pack to Disney world last year. Saved my shoulder and my sunglasses. Haven’t pulled it out of the drawer since.
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I have an old ugly one.. but I am going to look for a cute stylish one. Perhaps it exists somewhere.
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I know that experience; with me it was a small white owl! I loved that baby owl, he cast a shadow on the ground and the first time my Labrador saw it’s shadow she lept on it,going around and ’round!
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When my puppy was really tiny, he got really nuts one day over his own shadow. He still can bark up a storm occasionally at his reflection in the patio door.
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(LOL)!
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Oh I love the two doggie stick. Hilarious.
Nobody expects a person with a dog to be glamorous. Unless it’s a poodle. Don’t worry about it! I have a great treat pouch for Duncan that I clip on my pants pocket. It holds a lot and isn’t quite as dorky as a fanny pack. Instead of saying “treats” though, it says “trets” — WTF???
Theo needs a Mr. Bill dog toy: http://www.amazon.com/BILL-Plush-Character-Yells-Nooo/dp/B002W52NNI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1455889118&sr=8-2&keywords=Mr.+Bill+dog
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Oh, the next time I spend money on Theo (which will be before the week is out… he is the most spoiled dog EVER)… it will be Mr. Bill! (And Cat In The Hat now has only one arm AND only one leg.
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Mr. Bill lasted 2.3 nano-seconds with Duncan. But toys are so much cheaper than furniture! And they don’t have to match!
Mr. Bill drove my husband nuts, which was a bonus!
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How about a cross-body bag instead? It won’t slip off like a shoulder bag and is not as dowdy as a fanny pack. But I did wear a fanny pack when we were in Yellowstone this year. I could clip the bear spray on the belt part so it could be grabbed quickly. Luckily it was chilly most of the time and I made sure my jacket covered the pack.
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That would work. And I would feel a little like a Bandito!
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Hilarious! Chuckling into my coffee cup! 🙂
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Come to Florida, fanny packs abound.
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That’s what I’m afraid of.
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I live in Florida, my worst fear is having a fanny pack, elastic waist shorts and a bad haircut that is short and grey. Separately this is not bad, all three, scary.
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The boy in the photo is wearing his pack like a jock strap. The alternative is to wear it like a true fanny pack, over the fanny. Then, when its contents are needed it can be twisted around, accessed, then rotated back again. I’ve seen several women wearing them thus, over their (cute) fannies.
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My fanny is big enough without a big extra pouch.
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Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff to carry around. Is a fanny pack big enough?
You might need something larger, especially to bring along an appropriate deterrent for the bears!
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Like a shotgun maybe.
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I can so relate, as I have a scab on my arm from Junior dragging me through some bushes. And not only does my nose run, but my eyes water in the wind (even in warm Texas). But still… I cannot wear a fanny pack. I even converted the strap on one so I could wear it over my shoulder. Since you have a lot of stuff, how about a small backpack (a daypack)? You could sling that over your shoulder and look very cool.
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nice writing maám
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i have like 5 dogs. I really love them
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You wish they would bring back the fanny pack, I wish they would bring the mullet back!
Don’t confuse the pepper spray with the breath spray!
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Too funny!
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Agreed! https://goldfishjones.wordpress.com/2016/02/19/through-the-seasons/
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Hell yeah I would use a bum bag while I am out for a walk although today I didn’t go for a walk as I just have zero motivation this morning which has nothing to do with bum baqs, when I go out for a walk I have to take an old small handbag which I sling over my chest and use to carry my phone, because for some strange reason if I try carrying my phone in my hand I end up dropping it or it causes more back pain and hell no idea why carrying a phone would make my back ache but it does so I use a hand bag
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Ok, I have to laugh. I walk two 85 pound dogs around my very very rural Massachusetts neighborhood most days. We have to pass the dead skunk (been there since last July), the endless dear tracks that criss cross the roads and yards, the discarded food wrappers, the huge mounds of Other Dogs’ Poop and the trashbarrels at the ends of the driveways. I carry my phone, my chapstick, a few treats (for me), a spade (in case they poop in a yard instead of the 2 miles of woods we pass) and an extra leash. (who knows?)
We dog walking Mommas are heroes, I tell you, heroes!!!
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OMG, an extra leash! Now I will worry about that too!
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I like the fact that Theo is nice to a handicapped Cat in the Hat. Obviously a well trained dog well at least in this one respect.
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I enjoy your writing….I thought I read that fanny packs are coming back…I’ll have to Google it. haha.
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They are coming back aliright! https://goldfishjones.wordpress.com/
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Fanny packs are a great solution but I too would not be caught dead in one – or wouldn’t want to be caught dead … or alive … in one. I live in a rural area. My walks go up hill and dale for 3 miles. Cold weather walks are easy since I’m wearing a jacket with pockets. Now warm weather walks are problematic when all you have are jean pockets when carrying: pepper spray (dogs and wild animals), anti-dog barking thingy (to dissuade an approaching, barking dog), driver’s license (I want to be identified if my body is found), house key (in case the outdoor garage door opener panel doesn’t operate or the electricity goes out while I’m on a walk … happens more often than one would want), cell phone (walking app and emergency assist), cold weather gear (kleenex, gloves, scarf, hat or ear warmer – all of which become too warm eventually so I have to peel them off and carry them) … so you see, yes, I empathize with you greatly … and I don’t even have a dog to blame all my gear on.
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add myself to your fans. really enjoyed your last two blogs–not just because you are younger and definitely prettier, mind you, but also because you have a dog that looks (and sounds) much like my own Bichon, Frosty. Oh, and also because I love your style writing. keep up the good work!
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Great blog! Very funny appreciate the fanny pack situation lol!
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I am enjoying your posts. They add smiles to my day.
Womenlivinglifeafter50.com
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The pockets of a dog walker, huh! I maybe have more poop bags because one time Dog decided it was a four poop day and I end up digging a crisp packet out of the rubbish bin. I mean, smokey bacon? Me? Really? Thank goodness I wasn’t seen. As for the suppurating nose issue yep have that. Not nice, but as we mature it seems fluids Les, from places where they never used to and other places dessicate. Like hair I suppose – I have the same amount as when I was twenty only now it’s distributed differently.
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Love the article. But…fanny packs are ugly. Seriously. May I make some suggestions? What about getting one of those long, over the shoulder/neck bags? You know, it crosses over your front. You could get a cute outdoorsy-looking one – perhaps with a drawstring or something so it’s easy to open.
Also, I would get rid of the clicker, the chapstick, and the toys. Theo is a puppy and needs to learn to walk properly on a leash. Treats for good walking manners are good, but personally (and this is just my own humble opinion), the clicker sounds pretty useless at this point. The chapstick is applied before you leave, and shouldn’t wear off that quickly, and I don’t think your puppy needs toys to walk. If he picks up something nasty, firmly tell him “no” and take it away from him.
However, I’m no expert on dogs (in fact, I’m a cat person, haha) so you do what you think is best. The cross-over purse/bag would leave your hands free though.
Thanks for sharing your ‘doggy bag’ dilemma story and sorry this was so long!
🙂
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You must have the biggest pockets in the world. I’m picturing an Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s style coat with gorgeous big pockets. Yours of course would be bulging.
I don’t know how you didn’t roll on the floor laughing when you were watching that doggy go after those stick people. That’s hysterical (not for them).
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Hahahahahaha! I’m not a dog person, but after your post I’ll do everything I can to help bring fanny packs back!
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I’m not an animal person, let alone doggies. I find them cute from a safe distance. But your post is such a fun read! I still find the ‘bear’ part tough to digest though! Scary!
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Yikes! I love fanny packs. A girl has to have her stuff when she walks her dogs! I have a small flashlight attached to mine too. You never know, right?
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Don’t know how I missed this one. Theo is a sweetie.
Not into grapefruit, and definitely not fanny packs or bumbags as we called them. Just give me a body warmer with loads of pockets. Mobile phone, poo bags, dog treats, gloves, more poo bags, keys, tissues. Maybe they should invent a doggie bag, literally. One that is attached to the mutt and he can carry his own stuff! These days just two pockets………. poo bags in one, phone in the other and at night, a torch. 🙂
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I really sympathize with your :Lagotto stories. We “inherited: a Lagotto puppy from a cousin who couldn’t handle her. I takes two of us to keep up with her, but she’s so loveable. She s almost 15 weeks and learning where to pee and poo — mostly outside but she does tend to forget. Your stories are more than a year old, so I hope he has calmed down. Our Lea has a way to go.
Frances
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