Be Prepared
You know how your mother always told you to wear clean underwear – because you could be hit by a bus?
As I am now face-to-face with old age (and thank you everyone for the amazing response to my last post!), I can certainly see the wisdom behind good underwear.
There are, of course, different stages of good underwear. In elementary school, I could get hit by a bus. In high school, there were all those staircases and very short skirts. In college there was the remote but intriguing possibility that I could find myself with the opportunity to shed my clothes for a roll in the Indian-batik bedspread. For a long time as a financial executive, good underwear meant my business suit fit better, and the knowledge that I had French lace under said suit gave me secret confidence. And now that I am old – well…I could get hit by a bus.
(By the way, Facebook: Yes, you know I am 65. I do not need a daily ad for pee-proof panties.)
Besides clean underwear, I have identified a few things I should have handy for my old age.
1. A well-stocked medicine cabinet. It’s already a pain in the ass to discover I am out of cough syrup when I have a cold. It will only get worse. I don’t need a trip to the pharmacy for aspirin when I already have a headache. Or sneeze my way to the pharmacy because I forgot to get my allergy spray. And I especially don’t want a terrifying trip to the pharmacy for Kaopectate.
2. In a similar vein, I should make sure my car is in good repair, and never too low on gas. As I age, I am finding that I don’t like gassing up when the weather sucks. And my standard of weather-suckiness is getting pickier and pickier. Like rain. Like cold. Like wind. Like nighttime.
3. A good pet-sitter. Now that I will soon be retired, I’ll have more free time. And I may have opportunities to travel a bit. An overnight to Newport. A trip to the City (that’s what us snooty folks in Connecticut call New York) for a play or museum exhibit. A writing seminar to someplace with a better climate than here. But we have a dog now, as well as the two cats. I need to have someone lined up to take care of my pets on short notice. Someone who will keep my fur children happy and my husband un-freaked out.
4. A company-ready house. I’m a pretty solitary person. And solitude is a wonderful thing after a day at the office. But soon there will be no office. I will be needing some socialization. I’ll have to invite people over a bit more often. So I need a reasonably clean house, a drawer with some toys for kids, and a coffee cake. I think that would do it.
5. A Roomba. In order to have my house reasonably clean for company, I would like an appliance that will clean the house by itself. If I can find a cordless hairdryer, I can probably dust pretty easily too. The Roomba can double as entertainment, if I can teach one of the cats to ride around on it. I’m not sure I can get Stewart into a full costume though. Maybe a sombrero.
6. Two nice outfits. I’ve always loved to shop. But I have found as I age that I enjoy it less and less. I don’t want to scramble for an outfit for a special event. And I don’t want to grab just anything and say ‘good enough.’ I want to have clothing that I love waiting patiently in my closet for the appropriate event. I live mostly in jeans. I figure I need two dressy outfits. One happy and pretty – for weddings. Weddings where I will now be the sweet old great auntie. One of my own old great-aunties once wore a feather boa to a wedding. Although part of me would love be THAT kind of auntie, I think something a bit classier would go over better. My other outfit should be somber and dignified – for funerals. As time goes by, I will be wearing that ensemble a lot. Hopefully as a visitor, not as the honoree.
7. A good swimsuit. Not only will I continue to wear a bathing suit, I want it at the ready. Last year I had two opportunities to go swimming, and no swimsuit. That will not happen again. I plan to keep a little bag in the trunk of my car with a bathing suit and towel. I don’t care if I am ninety. I don’t care if I have varicose veins that look like pythons. I don’t care if my tummy is bigger than my breasts or my ass is down around my thighs. I am going to jump in the water every single chance I get.
8. A lightweight lawn chair. I love to sit outside in good weather. My lounge chairs weigh a ton. I need a light one so I can follow the sun as it moves through the yard. I am particular about sun angles. I have been known to move my chaise every ten minutes.
9. Comfortable pretty shoes. I have pretty shoes. Comfortable is a different story. My toes and bunions will no longer stand for any suffering. But I am determined to find comfortable shoes that are also beautiful – even if I have to have them specially made for me. I want them comfortable enough to dance in. I want to dance a lot in my old age. When I was young, there was a definite distinction between young people’s music and old people’s. At weddings, the Rock ‘n Roll would kick in after the old people left. But I belong to the first generation of old people who GREW UP on Rock ‘n Roll. Start the music early, kids. Your old auntie wants to DANCE!
Facebook ad I’ve seen every day for months. That’s an awfully big smile for a girl who pees her pants.
- Posted in: Advice ♦ Aging ♦ Humor ♦ Music ♦ Style
- Tagged: clean underwear, pet-sitting, roomba, weddings
notquiteold 
Love this. Good shoes….new underwear…clean house. Yep…that’s what we need.
LikeLike
The essence of happiness!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly!!
Now if we could find a little fairy godmother to make all those things happen!!
LikeLike
I am just appalled that men get sexy Viagra ads and we get pee pantie ads !
Unfair I cry !! The Tena twist … Really ??
LikeLike
Check out shoes by Jon Fluevog. They’re a little offbeat and very comfortable. All ages wear them. You’ll either be intrigued or run screaming from their site!
LikeLike
I did – there were a couple of interesting pairs that didn’t make me scream.
LikeLike
I LOVE this post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! My morning has started with your post.. And I feel all charged up! Good luck with your to-do list! You’re excitement and positivity definitely rubs off on the readers! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read an article yesterday that said that Depends is the next growth industry–because more and more people are getting to where they need them. Great. And they are on a mission to make them hip. I think I’d prefer Cialis ads.
LikeLike
I think Depends are a useful product – I remember how my mother-in-law became reluctant to leave the house. I just resent how Facebook is reminding me EVERY DAY that I am now the demo for this product.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with both parts of this comment!
LikeLike
Just tonite I saw an ad on TV for depends in a pair of underwear…a real slinky woman was walking around with them under dress. Guess they know we’re all coming…
LikeLike
Wonderful post. Facebook puts that on my page too.
LikeLike
I want them to give me ads for sexy underwear and stilettos.
LikeLike
I was thinking about the “wear clean underwear” saying a few days ago and wondering why that ever needed to be said. Was there a time when people routinely wore dirty underwear? “Wear nice underwear” would make more sense to me. I’ve been known to have runs and rips in my underwear which would embarrass me in the ER … if I were conscious and alive, that is.
LikeLike
Maybe back when people only had 2 pairs of underpants. And I remember a trip to the ER when I had already changed into my sweats…even that embarrassed me. I was telling the nurses as they were checking me for a heart attack: “I usually dress much nicer.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is hilarious!
LikeLike
A few years back, I needed to make a trip to the emergency room at the hospital. I took the time to put on ‘clean’ underwear first (fresh from the drawer) because I could hear my mother’s voice in my head admonishing me to ‘always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident’. I think she meant ‘fresh and without holes in it’ but I wasn’t taking any chances. I wonder if doctors and nurses ‘rate’ patients on how new/clean/fashionable their underwear is?!?!?
LikeLike
it never hurts to make sure you’re wearing your nice panties. There could be a rating system.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a thoughtful blog, even though i can’t relate to it.
I also write a blog if you have some time, you could checked out
thescifiaficionado.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Bwahahahahahahaha! This entire post made me take my focus off my miserable life (at the moment) and have a good LOL!
I get the same ads, Luv. I wanna know how AARP knows when anyone will be turning 50. Now that’s just creepy! HA!
LikeLike
There is no such thing as privacy any more. The younger generation doesn’t seem to mind. It’s only us old folks who find it creepy. (Of course, writing a blog also means that I have no problem sharing all my life with anyone who wants to read about it….)
LikeLiked by 1 person
When I was traveling with my mom over Christmas she had a really bad fall and needed a cane to get around for a bit (she’s 71). To make everything easier we picked up some Depends ….. One morning she was wearing them and her comment out of the blue ….. “I really like these things, they stay put. I don’t mind them at all. Maybe I will start wearing them more often!” Even for me at 46, it’s more about comfort and things not moving into places I don’t like. My husband has a different opinion on that subject, but I digress! Great read, thanks for sharing.
LikeLike
I certainly don’t want to disparage Depends too much. I may need them next week.
LikeLike
♥♥♥♥♥……..
LikeLiked by 1 person
I could leave the same comment for every one of your posts – “are you sure you are not in MY head”?? Especially loved this one…yep, I get the very same ads! How does the internet know what happens when I sneeze?
LikeLiked by 1 person
So I’m not the only one who needs to change clothes when I sneeze?
LikeLike
What? You don’t get the hearing aid ads on Facebook? You young sprout you! I am all ready for when they start the music with Proud Mary and Wipeout! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get coupons in the mail for hearing aids. And my favorite dance tune is “Mony Mony!”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes and Devil with the Red Dress On! Wahoo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Comfortable shoes are the most important thing. And you can find comfortable and not too bad looking, but it takes time. Luckily, one advantage of retirement is more time to shop. I have a couple of dressy outfits if needed, but I find the most useful clothes are things suitable for casual meals out with family and friends — i.e., a step or two up from hanging-around-the-house clothes.
LikeLike
I have some nice casual clothes. But shoes are a problem..
LikeLike
Don’t forget to keep the following on hand as well: (1) candles and matches (for romance or emergency purposes; (2) at least two flashlights (because your husband will ‘forget’ where he left the first one); (3) extra batteries (especially for the flashlights, because the ones in them will be dead when you need them); (4) extra-strength drain cleaner (because the kitchen sink will invariably back up on a holiday when all the stores are closed; and (5) ‘extra’ pet food because you never, ever want your cats and dog to go without!
LikeLike
I hate my garbage disposal back up in its grossest manner one Thanksgiving.
LikeLike
That girl is smiling so big I’ll bet she’s peeing right now.
LikeLike
OMG – that MUST be it!!!!
LikeLike
I recommend installing adblocker plus on your browser. You’ll see fewer ads like that.
LikeLike
I could, but they are such a good source of material!
LikeLike
Clean underwear is key! Love it 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love your list….I didn’t have the roomba on mine, but now I do! And listen: I get the fat reducing ads of FB, so count yourself lucky that you only get pee proof undies!
LikeLike
I got TWO pee-proof panty ads today!
LikeLike
I hear ya, I am only 53 but I like to be prepared, I like to have cold tablets, headache tablets, and assorted other stuff ready for use when needed.
LikeLike
Add the kaopectate. You REALLY don’t want to have to leave the house when you have diarrhea.
LikeLike
A nice hilarious touch to an important lesson in life… I love the notorious Facebook ad, and it’s inclusion in this post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I use an ad blocker because I hate ads, but I love this post! You can probably make the most embarrassing situation hilarious. I enjoy your sense of humor a lot. Btw, I can’t see you as an eccentric “old auntie”…you are way too cool/classy.
LikeLike
I have a bunch of nephews and nieces. The wife of one of my nephews told me last week that she always likes to see what I am wearing. I wasn’t sure that was a good thing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love love love this. For it is me. Cent I’m jealous….retirement is more like 4 years down the road. With a list like yours, I can start collecting everything I will be needing now.
LikeLike
Thanks. I’ve already cut down to part time, and I should be completely retired in a month or so. I am SO ready!
LikeLiked by 1 person
When you get hit by a bus, the thing is not to be wearing a g string. I wore one once to the physio, in the belief that he would only examine my upper body, but no. Bad mistake. Also, what you need in your house is a drawing room. That’s the room you keep tidy and use only for guests, so you can mess up the rest of your house but be prepared when people drop over. VERY useful!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I need a drawing room with attached bathroom – that is totally separated from the rest of the house!
LikeLike
check my blog maam
congratulations on getting published
LikeLike
It’s also nice to read what everybody has to say … the bathing suit part called out to me, maybe we’ll meet in the water some day.
LikeLike
I’ll be the one wearing something totally inappropriate.
LikeLiked by 1 person
don’t be to sure about that…
LikeLike
Being a guy, I’d like to get back to the shoes (the gals seem to be obsessed by wet undies); some of those Fluevog shoes are absolutely revolting. Others are simply normal, and just a couple would contribute to the wearer’s cuteness.
LikeLike
I need to go someplace to try on some of the nicer styles. My toes are spatulate – I cannot buy shoes on the internet, unless they are flip-flops.
LikeLike
Love this! Sent it to my mother. She loved it as much as I did… Thanks for giving us both a laugh…
LikeLike
I’m glad you liked it! Say hello to your mother from my mother – my Mom is 92 now, and still cares about her hair, makeup, and clothes. She’s my role model.
LikeLike
I completely agree with you on every point, especially the coffee cake! You should always have 2 of them; one that’s plain yeast, with frosting drizzle, and one with fruit filling, cherry or apricot are the best! 🙂 Also, do they still make those shoes that “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker”?
LikeLike
I think those shoes were more of “looks like and old lady, feels like an old lady.”
LikeLike
I told you that rhumba is great. My friends and I couldn’t stop watching it one night at a wine emergency.
LikeLike
I want my cat to dress up in a little shark costume. Wine would go great with that,
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Number 5 – get an ostrich feather duster. Truly. There’s something about the hooks on the feathers that means you just have to waft it around gently ‘petting’ anything on a shelf and you’re done. Beats a cordless hairdryer 😀
LikeLike
I had one years ago! Maybe it’s time to find another.
LikeLike
We call our underwear Undies or Reg Grundies for men or women, but mainly Knickers for women in Australia. My Mum also said the wear clean knickers thing just in case, I used to ask when I was a girl ” just in case of what Mum”
Her reply always ” well ya never know who might be takin’ a sqizz”, ” but why?” I would ask.
” Stop asking so many questions Love, just remember “always wear clean knickers “. So I have!…reading your blog makes me laugh and brings back memories, especially the swimsuit, we call them, swimmers, togs or bathers, even budgie smugglers for the men in Australia. I have just got to step out my front door and I am only a few yards from the beach. My togs and towel are at the ready everyday, but I certainly don’t turn heads when I go for a dip for the right reason anymore, but like you say, just because I can’t find a pair of togs to hide all my gravitational problems, they can call me cellulite city all they want, I am taking my dip everyday!!. Love your blogs, Cheers from Annie in Australia 🌞 🌴 🌊
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is a great list! I definitely need a Roomba and maybe a housecleaner. The two good outfits are sitting in my closet perfectly preserved. I just can’t get into them any more.
LikeLike
Yes, just yes. I don’t suppose you would consider Cowboy boots cute. But being a Texan I do and you can have beautiful Cowboy boots custom made. Sunday going to church boots, everyday boots, wedding boots, funeral boots. Just think about all the boots you could have.
I am ahead of you I think. I am getting ready to put my huge house on the market. Downsize. Done.
LikeLike
Your list is great, but I’d have to add a second swimsuit. There’s nothing worse than the struggle to wrestle cold, clammy spandex over your cellulite when you want to get back out to the ocean (or the hot tub at the Holiday Inn, which is more likely most of the time).
LikeLike
Oh, maybe we should consider just wearing our swimsuit all day every day for the whole summer!
LikeLike