Reminder Time!
Here’s a repeat – because it’s GOOD FOR YOU (and because I’m taking a break).
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HOW TO KICK-START YOUR DIET
I did it!
The “Dreaded Colonoscopy”.
Only it wasn’t so dreaded. It was easy. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. (literally ‘lemon squeezy’)
The hardest part was the prep. Which really wasn’t as bad as I’d read. My blogger friend Paula http://paulatohlinecalhoun1951.wordpress.com/ linked me to Dave Barry’s hilarious account a while back http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/v-fullstory/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html. While Dave needed a seatbelt on his toilet, I only needed to stay within fifteen feet of mine – and some chafing cream.
So that wasn’t too bad. What was awful was watching my husband eat all kinds of goodies. He made ham-and-pickle salad with the leftover Easter Ham. I adore ham-and-pickle salad. In fact, it is right up there with lobster. But no. I ate green jello with a Dulcolax chaser. He had roasted almonds dusted with sea salt. I had a beef bullion cube. He had the chocolate covered strawberries I gave him for Easter. I had lemony Drain-O.
I got up before dawn. That wasn’t too hard because I was up every eighteen minutes anyway.
The doctor’s orders said no make-up. That was really hard. But I have a nice tinted moisturizer. Surely that would be okay. And my new blush is really sheer. But what if they couldn’t tell I was cyanotic because my blush looked so fresh and healthy? I took it off. (I left on my new concealer though – they don’t need my dark undereye circles to check my oxygen levels…)
And no contact lenses! No one has seen me in glasses since I had my gallbladder out. So here’s another medical establishment I can never frequent again.
We went to the Endoscopy Center as the sun was just coming up. Good thing Dunkin Donuts is open at that hour. Hubbie needed a glazed donut. I needed the ladies’ room.
The nurse at the Center was very nice. She explained all about the procedure. She gave me a hospital gown in size XXXXXL. It fit pretty good.
She told me that when I woke up, I would be in the recovery room with other patients who had the same procedure. “You all have to let all the air out,” she said, delicately describing the Farting Room. “It will be very musical. Just join the band.”
They gave me Propofol to knock me out. Let me tell you: I understand why Michael Jackson loved this stuff. I was out for twenty minutes, and woke up as refreshed as if I had slept eight hours. And euphoric.
And my colon is perfect. “Absolutely perfect,” said the doctor. She gave me pictures. And you know what? My colon IS perfect. Just like my Grandma used to tell me when I was an eight-year-old ugly duckling – “I am pretty on the inside”. I won’t share those photos with you, but let me say that my colon is like a chain of rosebuds, delicately unfurling.
I felt so good, I went out to breakfast without make-up or contacts. And I even laughed when I farted as the waitress brought me my scrambled eggs and bacon. That Propofol is pretty damn good.
And I lost two pounds.
- Posted in: Aging ♦ Humor
- Tagged: Aging, Bowel Cleanse, Colonoscopy, Dunkin Donuts, Health, Humor, Michael Jackson, middle-aged, Propofol
notquiteold 
Liked your post before, like it now! Thankfully, I have a few more years before I have to go through that again.
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Yeah, I’m good for like 8 more years. But it’s really not so bad.
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This is superb!
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Thanks!
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Lemon drain-o. Now THAT paints a picture.
This is a delightful way to handle a sensitive subject / process. It’s better for your skin to laugh anyway. 😀 😀 😀
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Why not laugh? – that’s my motto!
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EGG-zack-tell-ee.
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This is a great reminder. Thankfully, I’m up to date. And I would try the cleanse for kick-starting weight loss but I always eat to make up for it!
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The Big Cleanse is not exactly something I would choose to do. (Sorry, Gwyneth)
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Ooops, I was thinking of the liquids…certainly not the liquid cleanser!
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Great story…. Just had my second one. I hung my photos up with a refrigerator magnet, but when the grandkids came they were not impressed!
lemony Drain-O… perfect description.
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I truly think my colon is picture-perfect.
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Pretty is as pretty does – and apparently it’s doing pretty great. YEA!
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And apparently working fine.
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Love it! I’ve been on my mother’s case for YEARS about getting hers done (we have a history of colon cancer in the family and she’s over 50), but she still hasn’t made that appointment. I’ll have to forward your story to her so that she knows it’s not the worst thing that can happen to her. 🙂
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It really was pretty easy. And that propofol is amazing!
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Having your first colonoscopy is like entering a special club of those who are bold enough to get through the prep and live to talk about all the sorted details. Your post had me laughing as I remembered that day. On the serious side, since colon cancer is highly treatable if caught early it is a great remember to your readers to just make a date!
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If you’re over fifty – you should literally get your ass to the doctor.
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True – your ass, your heart and everything in between 🙂
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I was put on the 10-year plan. My oh my how time flies. May 9th will be a thoroughly satisfying day. At least it’ll be satisfying around 9 a.m. when we stop off for a maple bar on our way home from the Endoscopy Center. Love your humor. Thank you for entertaining me as I’ve started my countdown.
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Good luck!
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I loved it the first time, and I love it now! And look how much you have changed!
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Thanks – and you’re right – I drew that illustration when I was 30 pounds heavier.
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Enjoy your break.
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I’m hoping to get novel ready for the world.
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“It fit pretty good.” hahaha
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It almost did – give or take seven yards.
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my first time reading this one, loved it!
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Thanks!
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Thanks for the chuckles!
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