No Resolution Required!
I’ve made New Years’ Resolutions for years. (“I’m Going Big” and “I’m Going Small”) But this year, I don’t need a resolution.
Because I’ve received a sign! A fabulous omen!
From Groupon.
Hypnosis.
That’s right. Who needs resolve when you really just need a suggestion while you nap?
I have been granted TWO sixty-minute sessions for a measly eighty bucks. And it’s practically guaranteed, given the reinforcement of a follow-up session. I am planning to have the hypnosis dude repeat each resolution twenty times in a session. So forty times total. How could this not work? And I’ve done the math: Figure five seconds for each resolution, which is easy even if he is a slow-talker (which they all are; I’ve seen enough creepy movies). Anyway, that equals twelve per minute, so going through them all twenty times in 60 minutes allows for THIRTY-SIX resolutions!
At $80, that’s only $2.22 for each resolution. That’s a bargain!
So here they are. I’ve kept them short so five seconds each is totally do-able.
- Potato chips are nasty.
- Folding laundry is fun.
- Sudoku is a waste of time.
- French fries are gross.
- Vacuuming is cool.
- Vacuuming under the bed is especially cool
- E-mail can wait five minutes.
- Pizza is disgusting.
- Cleaning closets is a pleasure.
- Finishing my novel is a piece of cake.
- Cake is awful.
- Computer games suck.
- No one needs more than three pairs of shoes.
- Paying bills is engrossing.
- Changing the litter box is delightful.
- Bacon is horrid.
- Washing windows is enjoyable.
- Pie is crummy. (a little pie humor for the half-way point)
- Dusting is exhilarating.
- Cookies are crappy.
- Cleaning fish is amusing.
- Pumping gas is a riot.
- Ice cream is lousy.
- Sleeping late makes you sick.
- Cheap haircuts are fine.
- Cheese is terrible.
- Vacations are for idiots.
- Waiting for the repairman is always worthwhile.
- Makeup is a waste of money.
- Taxes are entertaining.
- Nachos are flavorless.
- Driving in the snow is refreshing.
- Old clothes are best.
- Diamonds are ugly.
- Accompanying hubby to the hardware store is riveting. (a little hardware humor for the end)
and Finally:
36. Chocolate never made anything better.
I figure I’ll be perfect by mid-January.
- Posted in: Aging ♦ Humor
- Tagged: hypnosis, New Year Resolution, New Year's Resolutions, Sudoku
notquiteold 
Good luck with this. I think maybe you are too smart for any hypnosis to work.
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But I’m certainly suggestible enough. Catalog companies love me.
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But with catalogs they send you stuff you want and like and they don’t take your stuff. This hypnosis thing would take a lot of stuff you like then what would you have? No cookies!
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Good point.
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wonderful! Although, I do have to argue about the potato chips… nothing could cure me of those heavenly bites of salty goodness… great post.
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Notice they are first on my list.
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They’d be first on my list, and second is chocolate!! How come you waited for the last to mention chocolate?
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Because it’s last on my list of what I want to give up.
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I can not pass up a chip…. they are my weakness and I have to just not buy any because I can eat a bag in one sitting…
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I don’t see how this could fail. I’m going to go round up 8 dollars.
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Exactly.
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I love this! And who needs hypnpsis? Just repeat the resolutions 10 times a day..while ypu eat pizza and watch the laundry pile up!
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But I would need a resolution for the repetitions….
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I could care less about potato chips but anything to do with housework *grins* I need some help nowadays. Never used to but now so many much more interesting projects entice me. I actually LIKE your idea of hypnosis although I can only wish it would work. Good luck. Let me know now you make out. Happy New Year. 🙂
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I do housework – I just wish I didn’t hate doing it.
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I do it too but I don’t have any passion for it either. Passion. Can you believe I used to have passion for HOUSEwork? Eek.
Happy New Year, Nancy. May 2014 be outstanding for you.
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These all look like perfectly reasonable and achievable resolutions to me. Of course I am just pouring my 4th glass of wine, so perhaps you should add some more to the list?
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Yes!
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We obviously think alike!
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I have a nice glass of red wine about once or twice a week. I would never give it up.
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good list, I think I could pinch a few of those for myself, especially the chocolate one 🙂
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Chocolate actually does make things better.
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Don’t give up the Sudoku. It keeps the brain from aging.
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It does. But it also keeps me from finishing my novel.
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Maybe you could incorporate it into the novel. Make it a mystery to solve. With numbers.
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Reblogged this on Stories.
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Found chocolate covered potato chips at Trader Joe’s – perfect if you need an out..
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That sounds like the Perfect Food.
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My new definition of Super Food!
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Your list is great! Not sure if you’re serious about the hypnosis: I wouldn’t be brave enough to try that; too afraid I’d never come out of it!
Happy New Year – thanks for all the chuckles.
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Actually, I have a friend who used hypnosis to give up smoking. It was 25 years ago – and it worked!
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my neighbor also gave up smoking through hypnosis – one session and she’d smoked for 15 years. so, I don’t know whether to say – good luck or be careful! ;o)
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As I said above to Dianna – I have a friend who has not smoked in 25 years -due to hypnosis. So although I make fun of it – there is certainly something to be said for those kinds of results.
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Ha ha! Very clever! Good luck and Happy New Year!
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Thanks
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I can (almost) hypnotize myself just thinking about all the resolutions I should be making! Great post.
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Who needs willpower it’s so much easier to just make an appointment?
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Hmmm. $2.22 per resolution? Still laughing. Thanks for that.
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I just don’t think I could live a life of total denial with just hypnosis. High voltage electro-shock therapy would work for a short time. Maybe.
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But I don’t have to give up EVERYTHING. I still have wine.
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Loved it! I have been trying to convince myself of the validity of many of those resolutions for years now…still haven’t been able to affirm that pizza and cheese are terrible though! I did like how you approached the resolution concept with such humor and creativity — no reason to start the New Year feeling stale and bored! Great stuff!
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Thanks. In retrospect, I might need more than two sessions to give up SHOPPING.
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Will you let us know how this works? If you are successful perhaps I will try it; I would even be willing to pay up to $3 per resolution.
Riveting at the hardware store, you are going all out.
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And just today I went to the hardware store with hubby. It wasn’t riveting – but I haven’t had the hypnosis yet.
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Good luck with the “cookies are crappy” thing…… and BTW – Happy New Year! 🙂
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But if finishing your novel is a piece of cake and cake is awful, how likely are you to finish it?
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Oh no! I KNEW that there might be a slight flaw in my logic!!
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I can’t believe you just said that bacon was horrid on the internet. Good luck on your hyno-lutions. 🙂
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Some of these are sheer madness! Madness, I tell you
Not to mention #10 & #11 make your novel awful. Madness, I tell you.
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