Don’t Be Cruel
Years ago I was in love with an uncaring snob. (I called him Bluto in my post, “Kissing Frogs”; not because he was a bully like Popeye’s Bluto or gross like Belushi’s Bluto. He was oblivious Bluto.)
To say our relationship was one-sided is a pathetic understatement. I was in love. He barely remembered my name.
Bluto was very tall, with a posture that hinted of aristocracy, but really signified arrogance rather than birthright. (He smoked a pipe for god’s sake.) He had a PhD in something or other, but worked at an insurance company. Not that I have anything against insurance employees – that’s where half of Connecticut is employed. It’s just that...let’s not wave the PhD flag quite so obnoxiously; you’re a nine-to-fiver just like everybody else, okay? Of course, I never thought that at the time.
I was aware that Bluto wasn’t in love with me. I knew that he called me only when he had nothing else to do. I knew that he had no real interest in my life. (When I started a new job, I saw him that evening at a bar – not a date, naturally – and started to tell him about my first day, and he said…“Sure, great. Let me tell you about this phone call I had.”)
But I was sure that, at any moment, Bluto would realize how marvelous I was. Someday he would suddenly say, “What-Ho” (he wasn’t British, just affected), “I have this wondrous woman right beside me the whole time. She’s smart, funny, and pretty [enough]. I am so in love!”
That didn’t happen.
And I didn’t have a sudden realization that I was being used. Just a gradual awareness that I was wasting my love on a person who just didn’t care.
And now I have that one-sided infatuation again with the same type of uncaring, self-centered, egotistical snob.
Google.
Google cares nothing for my feelings. It throws me crumbs and keeps me hanging on.
Google insults and delights with equal carelessness.
My heart leaps each time Google reports that someone looked for ME. ‘Not Quite Old’ or ‘notquiteold’ or even, ‘Nancy Roman’s Blog’. Someone wants me. And I am in love.
But then of course Google tells me that the next search was for ‘not quite old enough pussy’.
I hate you, Google, and it serves that degenerate right who was looking for child porn and got a post on my mother’s new sweater.
I count up my search terms and hoard them like the tiny stingy compliments that Bluto would occasionally throw my way.
That my number one search term is some variation of ‘notquiteold’ is my consolation.
But my second-most searched term is’ Barnes and Noble’. Yes, I wrote a post about Barnes and Noble – how they have a paltry poetry section right near the restroom – but to get four clicks a day is somehow not right. Well, not somehow…I know why it is not right. Because although I took the poetry/restroom photo, the main shot of B&N is one I lifted. I don’t even remember who I stole it from. There are days when that photo – with the link to my blog – is on the top line if you search “Barnes and Noble” on Google Images. And now my post has had 800 views! I feel guilty and I would like to credit that photo…except that when I tried to find it again, I found six people using it. So I feel bad – but not unbearably bad.
On the other hand, when Google Images isn’t shaming me, it’s promoting me. If you Google-Image ‘Lizzie Borden Mugshot’, my cartoon of Lizzie is on the top line. And that is MY drawing. Original. Ah Google, I love you after all.
And Google sends people my way when they ask for the sweetest things: ‘Advice from Mom’, ‘Hip Yoga Clothes’, ‘1963 Lipstick’, and my favorite ‘Sheep in Field’. I wrote about the sheep farm on my road, and I took quite a lovely photo of some very content sheep. I like to think of some nine-year-old doing his homework and adding my photograph to his project. Please steal my picture, Ethan – I’ll feel so much better about Barnes and Noble.
And once – just once – I got a hit on ‘Beautiful Older Woman’. That alone was worth a month of suffering through ‘Sandals and Pantyhose’.
Yeah, I get a lot of ‘Sandals and Pantyhose’, and ‘Old Lady Brooches’ and ‘Orthopedic Ballet Flats’ and ‘Toe Straighteners’. But I accept my responsibility in this. I wrote about that stuff. And just like I continued to see Bluto even when I found someone else’s panties in his bed… I sometimes deserve what I get. If I don’t want anyone led to me by the term ‘enormous ankles’, then I should not have mentioned my own cankles.
But I ask you, Cruel, Fickle, Mean-Spirited Google –
Do you have to connect to my blog when someone searches:
“I thought I was a good dancer, but I’m not”?
- Posted in: Aging ♦ Humor ♦ Writing
- Tagged: Aging, Barnes and Noble, Blogging, Blogs, Bluto, Google, Google-Image, Humor, Pantyhose, search engines, search terms, Writing
notquiteold 
Clearly Google is a fickle, unpredictable friend…Though it clearly can be very giving when you least expect it!!
LikeLike
I get hits for “fat birthday cat” at a surprising rate.
LikeLike
Well the good news about Google, you will never have to pay for your own drinks. 😉
LikeLike
I hadn’t thought of it that way.
LikeLike
See there is always a silver lining.
LikeLike
very clever – enjoyed and laughed
LikeLike
then google said to notquiteold, “enough about me. what do you think of me?”
LikeLike
Ha!
LikeLike
These don’t seem too bad. People find my blog when they search for things like “swap wife at the bar” and “swipe poop dora” and I haven’t even written about this stuff. I think this is a sign from Google that I should.
LikeLike
How do you know all that??
LikeLike
Know what my search terms are? WordPress gives me those stats.
LikeLike
Liked this one a LOT. Fun.
LikeLike
Wiping the tears from this sentence alone: it serves that degenerate right who was looking for child porn and got a post on my mother’s new sweater.
Your posts are always a hoot.
LikeLike
I completely agree! I totally snorted red wine up my nose on that line and it. Was. Worth. It!
LikeLike
Ah, google search terms. I can’t get enough of them. It’s like reading through a Mad Libs book completed by a drunk fraternity house. I used to get gobs upon gobs of hits from Shaun Cassidy fans. Just today in fact my site stats have been through the roof. What is going on here, I wondered? Well, I wrote about New Kids on the Block. And immediately, and that never happens, the NKOTB fans are being sent to my blog. I’ve had almost 100 hits today from NKOTB related searches. I think I’m going to start writing posts based on popular search terms. So expect a post on Kardashian zodiac signs soon.
I loved your Lizzie cartoon — I had to google Lizzie Borden mug shot just to see it again.
LikeLike
100 hits from New Kids? Eighties teen heartthrobs here I come! I can certainly pretend I had a crush on … I’ll have to google their names.
LikeLike
Funny!
LikeLike
Hee! Thanks for the giggle. My number one search term, aside from my blog’s title, continues to be “Peter Brady.” I am very proud of this.
LikeLike
It’s crazy how people find you. I just googled “Peter Brady” and went through a dozen pages….no frump factor. I do the same thing on some of my search terms and I can’t fathom how someone gets to me. Persistence maybe….
LikeLike
I could have sworn I had commented on this, but I guess I just read it and laughed without putting in my two cents. Probably because I cannot think of anything clever to comment. A great post, as always!
LikeLike
So far I’ve gotten search terms “cream pony”, “notify no windows dragon speak”, “grandma pee” which have led to my blog. But I love how you did the lead up to the search term is hilarious. Thanks for that.
LikeLike
Oh..Nancy – I’ve missed your sense of humor. I like to say that Google is my best friend. Ask him/her/it anything..and he/she/it always answers. And to think that she might be seeking me out??..well then – that makes it all the more special! Love it!
LikeLike
You are hilarious. I enjoyed this. If you are still feeling like you could use a few more stats, my last post was a recap of my search terms and you are welcome to have a look if you feel like it. Thanks for the giggles!
LikeLike
Great post!
LikeLike
“it serves that degenerate right who was looking for child porn and got a post on my mother’s new sweater.” Laughing. Hard.
Out of curiosity, I scanned through some of the google searches that led poor lost souls to my blog. “Gay cupcakes” get me lots of hits. That makes sense. However, I can’t even begin to guess which post could result in hits on an “unhealthy children’s toilet” search.
Great post, as always!
LikeLike
Sometimes the connection is dumb, but I can see it – like “pointy eyebrows”. But sometimes I don’t have a clue – like “Julia Cameron Spider Graph.” Huh?
LikeLike
The biggest search term I get (and I get it A LOT) is “bathroom spy.” It scares/worries/disturbs me to think about all the weird people out there surfing the web. I don’t know why they’re all so fascinated with the idea of spying in bathrooms. All I can picture is peepholes drilled into walls…
LikeLike
Did you ever write about peeping toms?
LikeLike
I’ve never really paid any attention to google searches for my blog. Maybe cause there are none. So maybe that means you’re almost famous!
LikeLike
It’s still better than that evil Bing… that won’t even pretend to give you what you’re looking for in a search engine… =)
LikeLike