University of Jeans
Today, I present you with a combination Fashion Quiz and Expert (meaning me) Style Advice.
First, check out these two different styles of jeans:
Notice the Mom Jeans on the left. How they come up really high in the waist, and blossom out in a womanly way around the hips. They have a really long zipper, which can be a little unsightly when you sit. (You know what I mean.)
Now check out the Skinny Jeans. They are pretty straight up-and-down. No Bloom-Ass. They have a short zipper.They have a fairly low rise. (In Fashion-Talk, “Rise” means sort of the opposite.) They’re not like “Dancing-With-The-Stars-Low-Rise.” But your butt crack can be a little unsightly when you sit.
Now this is my body:
Not exactly to scale.
So here’s the quiz part:
Which style of jeans should I buy?
ANSWER:
Why the skinny ones, of course.
Yeah, my body is the shape of the Mom jeans.
BUT:
Mom jeans are not fashionable.
And here’s the Advice part.
Skinny jeans can fit unskinny ladies too.
When you put on skinny jeans that don’t come all the way up to your waist, you’re allowing room for your smooshy overflow to rise up a bit. This ‘Rise’ isn’t the fashion-definition kind. It’s the muffin top kind.
MuffinTop.
But you can hide muffin top.
All you need is a floaty top and (of course) a cardigan. And:
Ta – DA!
Right about now you might be asking: “But Nancy, if you are going to hide the top of your jeans anyway, then why not wear the comfortable Mom Jeans? They would probably look exactly the same.”
Well, that’s simple.
Because Mom Jeans are not fashionable.
The End.
No wait.
Here’s a little extra fashion advice I stumbled upon by accident, but I thought I would throw it in as a bonus for sticking with me thus far.
For the above story, I considered three different ways of illustrating my body:
1. Lie down on a big piece of paper, and have my husband draw around me.
2. Use my imagination. (Which is the choice I made, because my imagination is much kinder than an outline.)
3. Go to the airport and ask for a printout of my body scan.
And in checking out the possibility of the third option, I happened upon the latest in airport attire, which I know you will want to run right out and buy before your next security scan:
FLYING PASTIES!
No Kidding.
notquiteold 
I can’t deal with the muffin top, so my compromise is to wear my husband’s jeans.
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I bought a cardigan the other week, thinking of you. It’s so cozy! I will wear it with my skinny jeans today and feel very posh. Another happy graduate of Uni of Jeans! 😀
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I go with leggings and a long shirt, because the muffin top thing gets me every time!!
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I still have my mom jeans for yardwork–I have a bit of a muffin top–but deal with it in similar ways that you do. Do not plan on going to the airport anytime soon–
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I like the skinny jeans w/jacket. You do realize I may never fly again after reading this…
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Hee! This makes perfect sense to me. But I have to admit, I feel really crappy when I’m muffin topping, no matter how well I hide it. Neither “mom” nor “skinny” are quite right for my body type, anyway. I’m always looking for something in between the 2 extremes, but they are getting harder to find!
And I LOL’ed at several of your illustrations, but especially at the airport scanner bit.
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Airport Scanner pasties are a real product! And that illustration is from their promo material. Truly. You can’t make that stuff up.
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Sometimes, a few words in the label of the mom jeans deludes me enough. My Liz Claibornes, style? Audrey Hepburn. Way up high in the waist and CINCH that belt.
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I’m NEVER going to the airport. Eek!
I had a pair of mom jeans ONCE (for comfort only). My daughter laughed me out of the house so, since I was out anyway, I bought a pair of skinny jeans.
Love your illustrations.
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Why do mom’s get tagged with those horrible style of jeans? Where are the mom’s who wear them? As always Nance, you made the right fashion choice. Comfort is overrated.
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That’s my motto: “Comfort is Overrated.” I have it embroidered on the pillow I used to sleep on when I wore brush rollers to bed.
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Ha! Bless you, Nancy, for continuing to raise awareness about the crime of wearing Mom jeans.
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Airport pasties – bwahahaha! I may never fly again.
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Skinny jeans’ dirty little secret is the lycra woven into the denim. Thank God for lycra!
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Lycra saved my ass. Literally.
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I was soooo proud of myself the day I purchased 2 pairs of skinny jeans. At first, I wanted to go right back to the tried and true but now? Now those Mom jeans not only look bad but they feel uncomfortable too. Too much fabric around the gut actually makes it bunch and makes me appear heavier than I already am!
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Lycra is good
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Oh, how I miss my 30/32 Levi’s. Sigh. Sigh. 😉
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Me, too! They got me through the 80’s in style! I still have them in my closet and wear them for yard work–a far cry from the days when I wore them with heels.
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Oh, like those pasties make such a difference! Ugh! Maybe the world will eventually go back to the nudist model of fashion. Easier. No terrorism risks. But not until after I die, please.
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Mom jeans are a waste of perfectly good denim. They need to be discontinued!
How about a pair of jeans with a bootcut or a nice slight flare? Those are decent fitting.
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yikes at the airport pasties. really?
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They appear to be a serious product, but I can’t imagine that they are really allowed. Someone could tape a weapon underneath. But I agree… Yikes. Oh – and they have the male version too.
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Leggings and a long shirt are the only way to avoid tight waist/thigh/hip dilemmas. Mom jeans are just too icky, and skinny jeans (unless you look fab in jeans) just look like you borrowed your daughter’s jeans (and it was a BIG mistake). Bootlegs are nice but not very trendy. Airport pasties…..not in New Zealand I don’t think….oh no!! 😦
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Fortunately, I have no plans to cross the Atlantic and here in Europe, I can get most anywhere by car or train… Whew! 🙂
Léa
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I’d would love to wear skinny jeans or leggings, but I wasn’t born with the right legs! I go for the straight from the hip type of jeans – mid rise (I think) I just PRAY that these are not what you term MOM-jeans …. no, they can’t be … surely not!
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There’s another option – elastic waists, straight up and down GrandMom jeans with no zipper. Bulges can be hidden with baggy tops and stooped posture! You are soooo funny and your illustrations are priceless!
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I just squeeze everything in with Spanx until it pops out in the right spot – my boobs.
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Ha! I think I would need some kind of vacuum to get it up that far.
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You’re right. That doesn’t really work. But I try.
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What an awesome post. I myself choose to wear whatever I find comfortable. It may be a flannel, it may be baggy jeans and it also may be a skinny jacket/jeans combo. As long as it’s comfy, it’s alright for me. Then again, I’m a dude.
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Hello Notquiteold, congratulations on being freshly pressed, which is of course how I found you! Can airport security really see you naked? Given the amount of travel I’ve done over the years that amounts to quite a lot of exposure…
I wear jeggings. They look like (very) skinny jeans but are in fact, leggings. Elastic waisted denim, can’t get better than that 😉
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I’ve looked online at the images from scanners. Yeah, they see pretty much everything. I’m over sixty – jeggings are illegal.
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Love my cardigans! They are magic erasers as far as I am concerned! 🙂
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When you find jeans that actually fit – buy 4-5 pairs no matter the cost because they are sure to discontinue them as soon as you decide you love the way these fit!
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If I buy even two pair, I will gain 8 lbs. It is scientifically proven.
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