How To Kick-Start Your Diet
I did it!
The “Dreaded Colonoscopy”.
Only it wasn’t so dreaded. It was easy. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. (literally ‘lemon squeezy’)
The hardest part was the prep. Which really wasn’t as bad as I’d read. My blogger friend Paula http://paulatohlinecalhoun1951.wordpress.com/ linked me to Dave Barry’s hilarious account a while back http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/v-fullstory/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html. While Dave needed a seatbelt on his toilet, I only needed to stay within fifteen feet of mine – and some chafing cream.
So that wasn’t too bad. What was awful was watching my husband eat all kinds of goodies. He made ham-and-pickle salad with the leftover Easter Ham. I adore ham-and-pickle salad. In fact, it is right up there with lobster. But no. I ate green jello with a Dulcolax chaser. He had roasted almonds dusted with sea salt. I had a beef bullion cube. He had the chocolate covered strawberries I gave him for Easter. I had lemony Drain-O.
I got up before dawn. That wasn’t too hard because I was up every eighteen minutes anyway.
The doctor’s orders said no make-up. That was really hard. But I have a nice tinted moisturizer. Surely that would be okay. And my new blush is really sheer. But what if they couldn’t tell I was cyanotic because my blush looked so fresh and healthy? I took it off. (I left on my new concealer though – they don’t need my dark undereye circles to check my oxygen levels…)
And no contact lenses! No one has seen me in glasses since I had my gallbladder out. So here’s another medical establishment I can never frequent again.
We went to the Endoscopy Center as the sun was just coming up. Good thing Dunkin Donuts is open at that hour. Hubbie needed a glazed donut. I needed the ladies’ room.
The nurse at the Center was very nice. She explained all about the procedure. She gave me a hospital gown in size XXXXXL. It fit pretty good.
She told me that when I woke up, I would be in the recovery room with other patients who had the same procedure. “You all have to let all the air out,” she said, delicately describing the Farting Room. “It will be very musical. Just join the band.”
They gave me Propofol to knock me out. Let me tell you: I understand why Michael Jackson loved this stuff. I was out for twenty minutes, and woke up as refreshed as if I had slept eight hours. And euphoric.
And my colon is perfect. “Absolutely perfect,” said the doctor. She gave me pictures. And you know what? My colon IS perfect. Just like my Grandma used to tell me when I was an eight-year-old ugly duckling – “I am pretty on the inside”. I won’t share those photos with you, but let me say that my colon is like a chain of rosebuds, delicately unfurling.
I felt so good, I went out to breakfast without make-up or contacts. And I even laughed when I farted as the waitress brought me my scrambled eggs and bacon. That Propofol is pretty damn good.
And I lost two pounds.
- Posted in: Aging ♦ Humor
- Tagged: Aging, Colonoscopy, Dave Barry, Dunkin Donuts, Easter, Humor, Michael Jackson, Propofol
notquiteold 
I had propofol for my recent medical adventure, too. Great stuff.
And I’m having a colonoscopy soon. Thanks for the funny insight.
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Lol! Been there! I could tell you some lovely stories about going through this with my dad, but he has other issues, and I’m pretty sure it would be TMI. I’m glad you survived and lived to share. Angie 🙂
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That’s the most cheerful review of a colonoscopy I’ve ever read! Happy to hear your colon is absolutely perfect : )
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This is a great post today. You made me to more than smile – I laughed out loud. Thanks for lifting my day 😉
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Thanks!
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I’m so with you on this one!
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Now THERE’S a band I could join! Where do I sign up?
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Your experience was better than mine! I was sick following the procedure and couldn’t wait to get home – and sleep for the rest of the day. Hubby, on the other hand, went to breakfast after his! The important thing is that we go and have the test done…and that we get good results!
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I hate to tell you this, but they let me wear my contacts. And they said nothing about makeup, either! But then, I had to do a TWO-day prep. (Ponder that, for awhile). I think I got extra drugs, too, which I didn’t mind so much. 🙂
Congrats on your clean bill of colon health!
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You mean I could have been hosed AND pretty????
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Yay Nancy!– Yeah, it’s not that bad, huh? Even if you do it WITHOUT the drugs (my doctor said I was crazy… http://walkingpapers.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/the-cold-turkey-colonoscopy/
Best,
Suzanne
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Wow… I’ll second what the doctor says. That was crazy! But other than the nice propofol high, our experiences were very similar. No so bad. So everyone over 50 – call your doctor now.
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I think you are very brave… one for getting the dreaded colonoscopy and two for directing us to a Dave Barry column just as we are about to read yours!!!
In fact, not only brave, but good!!! even after Dave’s adventure, yours still made me lol!!!
nice job!!!
and glad everything came out all right, too!!!
🙂
janet
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Dave Barry’s column is SO FUNNY – I cried huge tears! How could I not share it?
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Oh holy crap (erm, no pun intended), this was hilarious! I am giggling uncontrollably at the “I am pretty on the inside” line!
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Good for you for getting the procedure done. A dear friend is in chemo for colon cancer. Better to fart a little, than ever go through that. By the way, nice butt.
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It’s worth it, and as I wrote, not nearly as terrible as one’s imagination. I am proud of myself, even if I am eleven years late.
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I am very disappointed there were no colon pictures! Smooth and shiny is what I am imagining. Had mine last summer. I lost 4 pounds (it only lasted 2 days) so I was flying high! Great funny post. Isn’t it the oddest subjects that create the best posts?
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You don’t know how excited I was to read this post! I’m having a colonoscopy on Friday, and am DREADING the prep Thursday night and not being able to eat anything at all on Thursday. I have pretty intense issues with *irregularity* (that’s the polite term for it, right?) and am hoping to lose 5 lbs 🙂
The Farting Room sounds amazing. My dr. told me to take Miralax daily until my procedure, and it’s super annoying having to hold everything in. Can’t wait to let it all out!
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Good luck. Happy farting!
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You made me roar with laughter! If I ever have to have this procedure, I’ll look forward to the Farting Room with breathless anticipation. 🙂
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That’s okay… the breath all comes out the other side.
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Tammy had a colonoscopy a few years ago and it was hilarious. She farting so loud afterwards and then would look at me at say, “Was that loud?” because she was still hopped up on the drugs.
I couldn’t believe the sounds coming out of her barely 5-foot tall body.
I told Tammy to bring a tape recorder when I have mine because I know it’ll provide me hours of entertainment.
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Reblogged this on adamsdaughter and commented:
I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of sharing with you all that I’m having a colonoscopy Friday morning. I have been absolutely dreading the prep – which everyone says is the worst part – AND to top it all off, I can’t eat anything on Thursday besides clear liquids. I will probably shrivel up and die.
At least that’s what I thought before I read this humorous post. I will get back to you guys with the details of my procedure. I know you can’t wait.
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Thanks for reblogging.
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I have GI problems so I’ve had more of these tests than I care to count. But I too love propofol, and when I die in my manions with an amusement park in the yard and my private physician administering my medications to me, I really want it to be propofol.
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i think this is my favorite post to date. and your picture is worth a 1000 words – but not yours because those words make me laugh really hard. “pretty on the inside.” we tell our kids that they have “straight pipes.” although this does not mean the same thing – it seems that it will serve them just as well when their colonoscopy number is up. oh, and one more thing. we *might* have a colonoscopy “recovery room” of sorts over here. it’s also called the 10 year old boy’s bedroom.
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I actually had to do this twice (two concsecutive weeks) because of some technical glitch the first time. I don’t know what Propofol is but it sounds like I should get me some 😉
The most shocking part of this story is the size of your gown. They always give me an XXXXXXSmall, which of course doesn’t even cover my big toe.
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My drawing doesn’t to it justice. It was down to my toes.
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Mmmm….lemony draino* (said in a Homer Simpson voice)
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🙂 🙂 🙂 I can’t stop smiling/laughing at this post. You are as funny, if not funnier than Dave Barry!
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Wow… thanks. I’m thrilled by the comparison. Seriously though, Barry had me on the floor. I can’t really compete with his hilarity… so I just hoped I could make someone giggle. And perhaps take away some of the fear for someone who has this ‘event’ on the horizon.
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LOVE the picture. Great post, and I am so glad that your insides are perfect!
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Thank you for this, my doctor has finally convinced me I must do this. I love Propofol, have it for all my back and neck injections….wonderful stuff. They use to tell me I had to come earring free, I don’t since my five are soldered in. Can’t go entirely make-up free either, I only wear eyeliner and it is a tattoo (I cheat), one nurse told me to take off my mascara it took me 5 minutes to convince her I wasn’t wearing any.
Despite your description though, with the exception of the Propofol I am not looking forward to this new experience.
You are one brave and funny lady.
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Glad it went well good news to have a clean prettty colon. Thank You for the Dave Barry link I look forward to reading his take on the event as well. I enjoyed reading about your experience it sounds doable kind of sigh….;+/
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Very funny, NQO. Having been through one about eight years ago, I’m not anxious about the procedure anymore, though I had a difficult time with drinking that awful stuff for the prep. My husband’s doctor gave him a series of pills to take instead of liquid. I want that next time. Except for the prep, I’m actually looking forward to that sedative. I could easily be a junky if that was readily available! When I came to, I argued with my husband about going home. “But they haven’t done the procedure yet,” I said.
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You are hilarious! You made having a colonoscopy fun to read about! Lol!
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I’m glad the experience wasn’t horrible and that you’re A-OK. My friend actually brought a birth doula (aka labor coach) with her to hers (she’s a doula herself)! But I have to be honest that I’m completely disturbed by the group farting room. I think I’d rather drink lemon drain-o for weeks than lie in a group farting room.
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I had an endoscope (other end) a few weeks ago. I also had Propofol. When the anaesthesiologist said he was using it I gave him a look like he’d just given me a death sentence. He immediately came back with, “Oh, don’t worry, my wife won’t let me have a girlfriend, I won’t be leaving the room to make a call during the proceedure!”
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When I was in the recovery room after a colon exam, the nurse told me “give me a strong one—don’t be embarrassed !”
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I had my colonoscopy on April 26th. I’ll agree that the drugs are great and the actual procedure, you aren’t even aware of. The prep solution is disgusting… and I hated having an IV in my hand.
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LOLOL! I haven’t had one, but everyone who’s had one has told me how hard the ‘pre-diet’ is
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Thoroughly enjoyed your account of “the dreaded colonoscopy”. Today I’m prepping for mine – yup – Super Bowl Sunday of all days. My husband was actually planning on having the guys over to watch the game while I hunker down in the bathroom. REALLY??
After my liquid breakfast I’m going to set up my “resting place” with candles; lots of trashy magazines; music and maybe my iphone so I can surf the net and read more of your blogs.. although that just doesn’t seem all that sanitary to me – using the phone while “eliminating” not reading your blog, that is.
I’m looking forward to the Propofol. As for the farting room – it will be like sitting in our rec-room on Game Day.
Wish me luck.
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Good luck, Gladys. It’s all ‘not quite bad’ – easier than I thought. And now that I’ve considered it… the Farting Room was totally like game day around the nacho dip.
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