The Conspiracy
Image by disgustipado via Flickr
I have a theory for everything. Some of my theories are what my family calls “out there”, but I have one theory that has abundant evidence supporting it.
I believe that when a boy reaches a certain age, (probably when he discovers his best friend/body part), his father sits him down for a serious and confidential discussion.
It goes like this:
Pretty soon girls will come into your life. And eventually you will marry.
When you get married, your wife’s expectations will be very high. So you need to know the secret of lowering her expectations- a secret passed down from father to son for generations.
When your wife asks you to do something, you don’t argue. You say ‘Sure, Honey’. But then you @#$%# it up so badly she will never ask you again.
Here are some examples:
Laundry: Red shirt in with the whites
Vacuuming: Suck up the cat toys
Cooking: Two words – smoke detector
Cleaning the Toilet: gritty cleanser on the seat
Changing diapers – you don’t need any hints on this. You will mess this up. Don’t show any improvement.
If you are okay with looking completely incompetent, you can even go all the way to loading the dishwasher and watering the plants.
Son, just lower the expectations. Screw it up and you are off the hook. For ever.
There are a few chores that do not apply:
Taking out the garbage. This is a man’s job. Folklore has it that in the nineteenth century a man tried to get out of this duty by dropping the garbage. But it was a horrible mess, and his wife made him pick it up. So just do it. However, I don’t mean, ‘just do it’ – like literally – let your wife ask you at least three times.
Mowing the lawn. This is a man’s job. It entails equipment, and that’s fun.
Barbecue – this entails fire and lighter fluid, and that’s fun.
Car maintenance – you get to buy tools.
That’s it, son. Follow this advice and you will get through marriage relatively painlessly.
Oh, one more thing – NEVER EVER say, ‘What did you do to your hair?‘
notquiteold 
So true. I think they teach it in school too!
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hahaha Luckily, though, we’ve caught on and now it’s a two-way street. “Honey, can you take the bags in from the car? They’re just soooo heavy – I already dropped one.”
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You’re right. I believe there’s another thing said too. “If she gets upset when you use her ‘good’ dishtowel to clean bugs and road tar off your car’s bumpers, stay at her blankly and say in monotone “I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.”
Once she gets over it, grab her other good dishtowel and head out to wash the car. When she gets upset, stare at her blankly and say the same thing again.”
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That’s amazing! My husband used my good handtowel for something very messy, and I told him to get another towel. He said, “Where do we keep the towels?” Honest to God!
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You are a very funny woman. Love it.
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My dad learned an alternative method, let’s call it, appear to be helpful but ask so many questions that it’s easier for your wife to just do it. For example, “Hon, how much oatmeal do I put in with the water? Should I microwave it or put it on the stove? Do I cover it?” You get the gist…
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Oh My God, they ALL do that! The evidence mounts!
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Actually, it can work both ways. I have managed to get out of all household chores by feigning incompetence. His fatal mistake was allowing me to see he could do all of them as well (if not better) than me!!!
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Another thing they must never do is ask in an innocent voice, “Have you put on weight?” NO woman wants to hear that!
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Pink Jobs and Blue Jobs – that is what I call them at my blog! I agree with you that if a man can buy a new tool to do the job, he will take on just about anything!
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You’ve got me going on this post. There’s another one I’ve noticed, but I’m not sure if it fits into your theory or if it’s a feature instilled at birth. It does remain throughout adulthood.
If she seems upset over something serious, concentrate intently on the screen while pointing an ear in her direction. Hold the controller near chin level and frantically push buttons. If she asks a question, wait several minutes then yell out, “Oh! Oh! He was behind that tree. You made the ninja guy chop me in half. Now I can’t go to the next level.”
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You made me laugh!! So much truth to your humor here. Wonderful writing!!!
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Thanks for finding my blog.
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And what a visually beautiful website you have! Stunning… I glad my post led me there.
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Hilarious !!
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How heteronormative! 😉
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OMG I’m laughing out loud! LOVE this post! (probably when he discovers his best friend/body part) really cracks me up! How do you think up this humor, girl? You are the best!
Libby
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You hit the nail on the head. Another GREAT post!
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This is great!, oh Hi I’m new to your blog….may i pop in? .. but This is great!..and the really funny thing is that this is exactly what my Mother did to get my Father to do things for her.. c
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I am sure many many men have that exact conversation with their growing sons…you nailed this one right on the head! Too bad for the men that we are smarter than they and know all about their little tricks…lol
And the only time my dear husband said anything at all about my hair was when I dyed it myself–it was supposed to be a radiant red but due to the white hair I was trying to cover up the dye didn’t take properly and it turned out orange! Everybody commented on my hair until I finally bit the bullet and spent my hard-earned money at a salon to have the disaster fixed. Other than that, I think I could have shaved my head and hubby wouldn’t have said anything…much like when I changed the furniture arrangement every few weeks!
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My husband has learned to say, “How do you like your hair?” – period.
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This right here? Is awesome.
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Thanks right here.
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My son is my, er, husband. As far as helping around the house that is. He has 3 jobs: empty dishwasher, take garbage out (both out to the outside garbage bin and then bin to curb on Sunday nights) and poop patrol. That’s it. It usually comes down to me saying this “well, you aren’t going anywhere until you….”. Guess we know what his wife will someday be telling him!!! Haha!
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Genius comedy!
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